(Closed) VENT – FMIL trying to be helpful but come on!

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@MsYankee:  Handle it by being polite, but assertive. 

“Thanks for the suggestion, FMIL.  We actually researched that company along with several others and have decided to go with X DJ instead.” then change the subject to something else.  If she persists, employ the broken record tactic and just repeat what you’ve already said.  If necessary, have your FI have a quiet word with her along the lines of, “We really appreciate your help, but we’ve made the decision about the DJ.”

As for her comments about your dress – that is pushy.  I wouldn’t give that suggestion the time of day – just smile and change the subject. 

If she wants something that is reasonable and you can accommodate, then okay it. 

Post # 4
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Honestly I don’t see an issue at all. I have an extremely passive aggressive family and the way you describe this just sounds like she is being helpful. It’s not like she is saying ‘Pick my vendor or you get no money.’

Post # 5
Member
4375 posts
Honey bee

I think you just keep being the polite person you are and say thank you. Try to redirect her energy into something you do want her to help with, if possible. Remember that the wedding is just one event, but you want to keep being in good relations with her afterwards. 

Post # 6
Member
45386 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think, in the grand scheme of things, you are over reacting. You said you wanted to involve the FMIL’s. What is your idea of involving them? Telling them what you are thinking and they sitting there nodding their heads and nothing else?

I just don’t see 3-4 emails a week as overwhelming. She seems to be acting out of an honest desire to be helpful. Be gracious. Thank her for the information, then use it in your decision making.

 

Post # 8
Member
4529 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@MsYankee:  We are accepting zero funds from anyone to avoid this :-p I’m a pretty Type A control-freak, so 3-4 emails a week might bother me, too. I just would rather handle everything myself, unassisted.

Other Bees are right: just be polite and assertive “thank you for the idea, we’ll take it into consideration.”

Post # 9
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MsYankee: I also don’t see a problem with this. What you’ve written here makes it seem to me that she’s genuinely trying to be helpful and you can prevent her from challenging your decisions by just being polite and thanking her for the suggestion.

I tend to base my reaction to my FMIL’s communication by checking with my FI first. Her style can be kind of abrupt and lacking necessary information so in the past, I perceived her words as being overly critical. My FI insisted that she’s always coming from a good place, and he’s  always been right. So maybe if your FI isn’t offended/pressured by her efforts, you shouldn’t be either?

 

Post # 10
Member
3699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Just thank her and either call the DJ place or don’t.  When she asks tell her that you didn’t like them, you already had a DJ booked, or they weren’t much cheaper than the one you already picked out. 

Re the dress – $1000 is a lot of money for a dress, a comment is just a comment.  If one of my friends spent $12,000 on a dress, whether they could afford it or not, I’m sure at some point I’d say “Holy shit, my dress only cost $1,200!” 

When I was planning my wedding I just tried to react to everything my IL’s said like I would my best friend.  Think of it as coming from that good place, not an interfere-y control-y place.  My bff would try to get me all the good deals and not care if I turned them down, just want me to have the option.  And she’d not filter comments like “you spent how much on that?!” 

Post # 11
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds to me like she is just trying to be helpful.  I love getting emails from my FMIL about the wedding.  Even before we knew they were going to pay for 75% of the wedding, I always listened to her suggestions and called any vendors she recommended.  She sent my FI a text one day that said she was so grateful she wasn’t being treated like a lot of other parents of the groom.  I’ve included her in just about every detail from the caterer to the type of port o potties! LOL!

I love my future in-laws and they have been SOOOO helpful.  They never thought their son was going to get married and are just so happy and I can hear the excitement in their voices/emails which makes me excited.

Post # 12
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MsYankee:  I feel your pain COMPLETELY, girl!  I have to repeat, “she’s excited and trying to be helpful” over and over again in my mind while reading FMIL’s emails or talking to her in person.  I caved and joined Pinterest and made a wedding board so as to better communicate to her what I want the ceremony/reception to look like (she describes herself as ‘very visual/crafty’); the board shows several tablescapes with nice white tablecloths and colored runners and napkins, which sould work well at our venue (all rectangular six-top tables).  She informed me last night over dinner that she bought round woven placemats and striped dishtowels (?) that she wants to incorporate into the table settings.  Ummm…we can talk about it, I guess?  Previously, when I mentioned that I was struggling to find a dress in my budget, she kept sending me links to China-based replica dress shops, even after I [nicely] pointed out the potential issues with ordering from them.  I know she means well but subtle hints obviously aren’t working, hopefully I can ratchet up the firmness without offending her/sounding like a bridezilla?  Anway, good luck!  Deep breaths and use your FI to run interference, too!

Post # 15
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@MsYankee:  It would certainly make things easier if she communicated more directly. But have you considered that she’s trying to be polite? Some people have difficulty being direct because they are very concerned with upsetting anyone. I know it just leaves you to wonder what she is ACTUALLY thinking, but generally, when dealing with non-direct communicators if you keep it polite but assertive, it won’t blow up into anything serious. It seems like this is already your approach with her, and while it might make you feel uncertain, you are doing the right thing! It’s bound to get easier with time and who knows, maybe by you modeling more direct communication with her, she’ll learn to be more straightforward in a way that you are more comfortable with!

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