- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
Bees…I’m not sure how to handle this. Sorry, a long post ahead.
A few weeks ago my Fiance left his FB up and being nosey, I read some of his messages. One was between him and another girl that he knew before he met me, and the messages were pretty flirtatious. I didn’t think much of it until I saw that he had been reaching out to the girl frequently while we’ve been together (7 years). She didn’t respond back, but nonetheless it bothered me.
I confronted him, we had a huge fight (he swore she was just a friend and he was just checking on her) and eventually made up. While he was at work, I used his computer and noticed that he had quite a bit of porn sites in his “most frequently visited” browser folder. I don’t mind video porn, but what bothered me was the links to the live webcam porn sites. I did a bit of snooping and saw that not only did he have a membership, but he had paid money in the past to “tip” these girls!
Once again, I confronted him and a huge fight ensued. He swore that it was “just like video porn” for him and he “never chatted with the models.” I told him that I didn’t like the fact that he was watching someone actively put on a show for him, he paid actual money to “tip” them and that he had the OPTION to chat with them if he wanted to. He argued that he only went to the “popular rooms” with thousands of other people watching and never had a private interaction. He said he would stop and that was that.
Two days ago I used his computer again, and found that he had visited the site AGAIN. I asked him about it and he lied, first saying he hadn’t logged into the site. After I admitted I was on his computer, he himself admitted that he was on that very day and became angry with me for snooping. We fought again and I made him look me in the eye and promise he wouldn’t get on the site again. I also apologized for going through his browser folder and promised I wouldn’t look at his computer again.
I’ve stuck to my promise, but I’m having a hard time believing he’s sticking to his. It bothers me that he goes to this site, and it bothers me even more that he doesn’t consider my feelings important enough to stop. In my mind, he’s picking these anonymous, yet exciting women over me.
We don’t have sex very often…I have a condition called vaginismus and sex is pretty painful (I’m only 25 and he’s 27). He constantly compliments me and tells me that he would love to have sex with me, but I’m never in the mood. That makes me feel even more guilty and I’ve become incredibly insecure about myself. Couple that with financial stress (he’s looking for full-time work and currently working 3 part-time jobs and we’re barely keeping our head above water money wise) and weight gain (65 lbs to be exact). My armour is cracked and the porn/lying was a blow directly to the soft spots.
I feel like I’m not good enough and that I should just have sex going forward even though it hurts and I’m not in the mood. It hurts quite a bit that I know he’s smiling in my face and still going to those sites behind my back, but I feel powerless–there’s nothing I can do about it. All of the advice articles I’ve read tell me that men are “visual creatures” who can’t “control” themselves. Basically, they tell me to get over it. So I guess that’s what I have to do…and deal with my feelings on my own time. It’s hard though, pretending not to be hurting when you are.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.