Dealing With SO's Depression/Relationship Doubts

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

If he was fully committed to you, I would say try and support him and work through the issues. All relationships have obstacles. However, he is having doubts about your relationship so I wouldn’t be willing to live on edge wondering about what’s next, especially if I wasn’t married to the person. 

I’m not an expert and I’m sure some people will say the depression is making him doubt your relationship. That has never been my experience and it’s all I have to draw from (my close friend is clinically depressed and married). Maybe the depression is the root cause, or maybe it’s unrelated. It depends how long both have been going on. Either way, this isn’t his first bout of depression and likely won’t be his last. Are you willing to deal with that longterm especially if it manifests by doubting you? 

Maybe you should also speak to a counselor individually to try and understand his perspective and also to try and figure out what’s best for you. Ultimately that’s what you need to do. 

Post # 3
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius

BBK009: It’s such a hard thing to deal with both sides, I have dealt with depression myself for years, I have been anti-depressants since 2009, and it has had an affect on each of my relationships. Whether that be my own self doubt and confidence issues, lack of motivation and labido, unsure what I want or feel, complete up and down of emotions. 

I have been with FI for almost 4yrs, we get married in 5 weeks. He is very confident and sure of himself, I may seem bubbly and confident to others, and have a great job, but I often hate myself, wonder why anyone would love me, not want to go to work, not want to work out, not want to make an effort. I just find it hard at times, this means FI often thinks that I don’t want him any more or I don’t want to do things with him, and get’s frustrated when I say ‘I’m fat’ or ‘I’m ugly’ and tell him he’s lying when he pays a compliment. 

It does sometimes make you wonder if it’s other things making you unhappy, job, home, relationship, family etc, of course all these things can contribute and make depression worse, however quite often they are never the reason, you are just unhappy with everything and you can’t explain why. You get yourself into a rut, the more you get frustrated with not being able to pinpoint what’s wrong the worse you feel, a visious cycle.

The main thing is that he is getting help, and for clinical depression medication does help significatly. I know it’s hard on you from the other side, but try and stick with him. When he gets help whether therapy or medication, he is very likely to turn around and feel so aweful for ever doubting his feelings for you and your relationship. It just takes time 🙂

Hang in there, and there is loads of advice and help out there for people living with someone who has depression, so read up and make sure you can be as understanding and supportive as possible x

Post # 4
Member
4916 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

When I was first diagnosed with severe depression by my primary, he made it very clear that until we treated the depression, nothing else in my life was going to work.  Not career, not relationships, nothing.  He said we had to get the depression under control first.

In my case, meds are required.  

I’m now happily married to a great guy.

Props for your SO for having the courage to get help.  

Post # 5
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Having been on that rollercoaster with a SO with depression, I would strongly encourage to think about whether you can live with it for the rest of your life. It’s utterly exhausting and affects every facet of your relationship. It’s great that he is seeking help though. With help and support, he could very likely overcome, or at least manage, it. Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I have been through this, only i was your SO and my DH was you. And it all came to light right after we got engaged. So i was on anti-depressents, in therapy, and still trying to plan a wedding and salvage our relationship. 

All i can say is your support and help will mean more than you can even know.  PM me if you want to discuss, but i think seeing a counsellor yourself so you can understand a little better what your SO is going to will really help. DH and i did a few couples counselling sessions, it opened his eyes alot. 

Post # 7
Member
4828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

BBK009:  Well I don’t know how long you’ve been togetehr, but the spark does kind of fade. If someone tells you it doesn’t they’re lying. Lol! Relationships evolve into something deeper and perhaps that’s what has happened? It’s okay!! As for the depression, power to him for GETTING HELP. I’d wait that out awhile and see if he improves. I married a man with depression and he never.ever.ever got help despite me asking him multiple times to see someone. I finally couldn’t take it any longer and divorced him.

What sassy411:‘s primary said is ON THE MONEY!! Things will fall apart until the depression is under control. My ex’s relationship with his family, including his kids was awkward, he’s terrible with money etc etc. Still is.

Post # 9
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

BBK009:  I have clinical depression (as well as OCD and generalized anxiety disorder, eek!), so I understand how your SO is feeling. My depression has never made me doubt my relationship with my partner (he saved my life during a suicide attempt, but that’s another story), but it has made me doubt most things in life: am I any good at my job? Do any of my friends care about me? Should I live here? Etc. Depression makes everything in your life feel frightening and uncertain, and it can be a chore to even get up in the morning. Your SO is not behaving unusually for someone with depression – it comes in waves, so he won’t feel like that all the time. Whenever I have bad episodes, my partner is my anchor. It takes a lot of strength, but I think you’ll be able to do that with your SO, too – you both sound committed enough to make this work.

Post # 10
Member
8916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

My darling husband struggles with depression and when it’s not going well, it certainly affects everything else including the quality of our relationship.  It’s ESSENTIAL that he gets into treatment – anti-depressants can make such a difference.  If you know this is the man for you (as I do in my situation), then all you can do is encourage him to get help, go to his appointments with him if possible, remind him to take his medication, do your best to bring him up and also not take it personally when he’s feeling down, and enjoy the good times.  I know it’s 1000% worth it in my case.

Post # 11
coyoteBee
2051 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Franklin Plaza

My DH was diagnosed with GAD and depression while we were dating. Many people told me to run, not walk, away from him and his “issues” but I knew in my heart that he was worth sticking around for. That was over 7 years ago and we are now married. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t always easy, especially in the beginning. And we still hit rough patches from time to time (but what relationship doesnt?!). And as lolot: said, with the right therapist and the right medication he can really turn this whole thing around. I don’t like talking about it much on public forums because DH is very private about it, but I’m happy to talk to you more if you want to know more about what we went through or just need to vent! It can be very difficult at times and only you can decide if it is worth fighting for. Just send me a PM! 🙂 And good luck to both you and your SO.

Post # 12
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I dealt with this with my last bf before FI, and it was worse, bi polar with crippling anxiety. In the end I couldn’t deal… I took it all too personally. I am emotionally healthy and happy and decided I deserve a partner who is the same. I wish him well but I am so glad I walked away. 

Post # 13
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

BBK009:  I haven’t read any other responses, but I’ve been thru this.

3 days after our son was born, my FI came to me with tears in his eyes, looking like a wreck. He word vomited all over me. He didn’t think he could be a dad. He thought we’d be better off without him. He wasn’t cut out for family stuff. He doesn’t know how to “do” babies….

My response was basically, “this isn’t you. We tried for 6 months to have him. Something’s wrong here. If you want me to leave for a few days I will. On one condition; you get yourself to your doc, and see what he says.” He responded that he didn’t want us to leave, and he knew it all sounded really wrong coming out of his mouth. 

So, I struck a deal with him. I’d do ALL baby duty and light housework. All he had to do was whatever made him feel better, along with help from his dr, and keep up the house. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed him an antidepressant and anti anxiety meds. The first 2-3 weeks were hard. I was on my own a lot, but I could tell he was trying. He stayed blue for a bit, but within the month he was feeling so much better. But, more importantly, he was ready to start doing some daddy duty. 

Here we are, almost 3 years later. FI is doing great. He has turned into a confident, wonderful dad, and our son adores him. He still takes the antidepressant daily, but he hasn’t had a breakdown since that day. 

When he asked me to marry him, a big thing for him was how supportive I was during that time by allowing him to go thru it without getting too upset. To this day, he has no idea that during that time, I cried myself to sleep every night, and really prepared myself to lose him. It was hell for me, but it was worse for him, so I did what I thought was best for him-which was never seeing me upset, only supportive.

I’m glad he’s going to seek some help. I hope everything works out for you!

Post # 15
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

BBK009, I am in the EXACT same position as you! Mental illness (depression, anxiety and OCD) has been a constant in our LT relationship and his recent battle with anxiety has led to ending things, stating that we will never work out.  We spoke about two weeks ago after breaking up in November, and he told me that he is struggling with feeling terrible anxiety about the future and not being able to focus on the present.  The anxiety is always hovering and he can’t feel happy.  Have any other bees ended up working things out with their SO after a mental health reoccurrence? 

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