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I'd say just let it go. Obviously they are jealous and they recognize that yours will be the better wedding. Don't talk about yours unless they ask you about what you're doing and just leave the subject alone. You might mention to your FI what his brother is saying and let him deal with his family.
You have every right to feel hurt and I would feel the same as you; in fact I did before my wedding but over other circumstances. I WILL NEVER understand family and friends bashing on a loved ones wedding, never. Maybe she does feel insecure about her wedding but you should never lash out your insecurities at someone else only to hurt them. For myself I come with the new found attitude awhile ago and saying, I will do all I can to never say something about someone behind their back that I wont say to their face. I think people forget it is so hurtful and that words can never be taken back and they sometimes linger longer than any action ever could. Just try to enjoy yourself at the wedding and chalk it up to her probably being insecure.
The situation sucks, and I'm not sure why your MIL would tell you your future sister in law is bad mouthing your wedding. I don't think she's bad mouthing it.. more like she's a little jealous of your formal affair. I would let it go and go out of your way to really enjoy their wedding and gush about their details. Sometimes being the bigger person is the only way to go- she's feeling insecure continue to extend an olive branch.
Another thing about this that bothers me is that I would never have known about it if FI's mother hadn't told me. She does a lot of comparing between the two of us. While it seems like I come out on top when she speaks to me, I don't like these comparisons of future daughter in laws being done. FI and I live so far away and we see them so rarely (FI spends every holiday with my family and its by his choice even though I offer that we should fly back to spend at least one with them each year), that I really just want to try my best to get along with everyone back there.
I'm not into drama and the fact that I haven't even seen this girl in close to a year, when she and her now FI had been together for about 3 months, I just really don't think its fair. I also think this is all stemming from FMIL's previous visit where I took her through all of our wedding plans, she saw the locations in person, and reported home how "beautiful" it will be. I'm sorry that FSIL/FBIL have to foot the bill for their own wedding, but if that was us, we wouldn't go into debt for it. I feel very grateful that my parents want to pay the bill for mine, but that isn't something I could have had any influence over. Just like FSIL's paren's can't afford to pay for hers - that is no fault of her own.
I think I really just need to get this out and talk about it with uninvolved people. I've discussed it a bit with my mother, but thats it. I don't want to cause problems with the family. FI is so over hearing about how they are acting and their wedding. He is so disappointed in how little recognition our wedding is getting, how little help his brother was in helping to plan his bachelor party, and how little communication there was in even telling us their wedding plans so that we could plan our other activities around them.
Do you think maybe you FMIL pits your FSIL against you a little? The whole situation is a little odd- perhaps your fiance should tell his mother to stop stirring the pot.
@Maureen9004 - I definitely do. My mom who is Miss Manners noticed how FMIL would make comparisons and found it to be completely inappropriate too. I also think, if she is saying these things about FSIL, what is she saying about me when she is home and we are in another time zone. I hadn't really been bothered by it until I heard some of the commentary, which tied together with some emails I had received from FSIL following FMIL's previous visit.
I'm disappointed. Me being the smaller person wants me to push FSIL out of any possible involvement in my own wedding, but since she will be family, I really think I should ask her to do something, regardless of if she asks me to do anything in her own wedding.
I have had problems with ettiquette issues with FMIL that I have posted about before, so this putting us against each other actually seems pretty in line with other things.
Have you talked to your Fi about this? This is his brother, so he needs to know how his brother's action are effecting you. Your FI obviously loves you, and his brother as well. You need to tell him FI how hurt you are by this - your FI should realize (or you can suggest to him) that he needs to talk with his brother about how his actions (and perhaps the other family members too) are affecting you.
Your feelings are totally valid here - your FI should help comfort you. He's going to be your life partner, and needs to stand up for you.
I have spoken to my FI about it. He is also hurt by their actions. He has spoken to their mother about it, but that really doesn't seem to change anything. I think since we are so far away, our wedding isn't as important as theirs in their eyes. In terms of the comparisons between FSIL and I, FI and I have discussed how I feel his mother isn't always the most tactful or well mannered (to put it nicely) and he gets offended when I say this. He and I have very different backgrounds and while he is wonderful. his family is a bit different from mine. I don't think that even if he (or I) were to bring up these ettiqette issues with his mother she would even understand. Frankly, when it comes to wedding ettiquette, FI doesn't even understand a lot of it because he is a guy and also because he grew up very differently than I did.
In terms of FI comforting me over FSIL's comments, he does, but he is also just so disappointed by their actions that its hard for him to comfort me when he has actually been hurt just as bad, if not worse. FBIL was his best friend in the world and when he started dating FSIL he completely changed. She tells him to jump and he asks how high and no one else matters anymore. I hope this changes after they get married and FBIL and FI can become closer again, but we'll see.
I feel so bad for you. But my suggestion is to take the high road. Its hard having weddings close my Fi's brother did the same to him on his first marriage with the date. 3 months before. And his son decided to get married a month after us. But no one is being bitter or jelouse. We are helping each other our colors are even similar -- It makes me feel young comparing notes with my FDI. Smile, keep your head up and just ignore her digs. And congratulations on your wedding.
I agree with Maureen that your FMIL is out of line even telling you all of this. As I was reading your post, I kept wondering why on earth would she want to hurt you by telling you things that would obviously bother you. Maybe it's your FMIL that is feeling guilty of the fact that YOUR parents are paying for your wedding and THEY aren't helping the other brother to pay for a nicer wedding? It sounds like she is the one criticizing you, not the brother's fiance. You mentioned that you don't see your inlaws very often? Maybe this is her way of punishing you.
@FutureMomInLaw: I think you might be right. As I have mentioned, FI and I grew up under vastly different conditions. FI's parents did a wonderful job raising their children, but they struggled and continue to do so. FMIL has come out to visit twice since we were last out to visit them about 11 months ago, but I haven't actually seen anyone else in almost a year. As I said, FI prefers to stay here for holidays.
I know that when FMIL first found out that FSIL's parents would not be paying for a wedding, she and FFIL were very concerned that they were going to be asked to contribute, which they couldn't afford to do. I don't think this ever happened fortunately. Another thing I gathered from what FMIL said was that she was hurt that FSIL (which living in the veyr same city) rarely involved her in any wedding planning. FMIL did not want to make any decisions, but she doesn't have any daughters and would have really enjoyed just hearing about the plans, maybe even going to visit certain things. Even though I have been far away, I email FMIL pictures of everything, including me in my dress before it went to the seamstress. I sent her proofs of our invititations and even though her opinion doesn't really matter in terms of what decisions we make, she never offered it other than to say she was so happy to be seeing everything even if it was from afar. This reason makes me think that she just isn't too happy with FSIL, but I really have no idea.
It still makes no sense to tell me things that would hurt my feelings. Even if she didn't like me (which I don't think is the case), but why do that? That is what I find so confusing. Nothing good comes from saying these things.
We are literally about to fly out for FBIL and FSIL's wedding and I'm just trying to work through these feelings before we get there. I just want them to have the best wedding they can. Our weddings will be different in price, but the most important thing is the actual wedding vows itself. It doesn't matter where you do that, what you are wearing or with whom in the audience... it's all the same. I just want them to have their perfect day and I don't want them to ever think our wedding will outshine theirs or that I want it too.
I think you should just go to the brother's wedding, ooo and ahhh over everything, and NOT talk about your upcoming wedding to your FMIL until well after the other wedding is over. You already know that she tends to pit the SIL against you by comparing you, so just concentrate on developing a better relationship with your SIL. I think you should be grateful that you don't live that close to your FI's family so you won't get dragged into continual family drama!
It all sounds a little strange to me...
The whole issue with your FI and his brother is a separate issue, but regarding your FSIL's alleged jealousy, your FMIL may be the problem and not the FSIL (obviously coming from someone who doesn't know either of their personalities).
Even if you take what your FMIL says as the truth (and she may be twisting the truth to fit her own illusions), it sounds like FSIL isn't bashing your wedding but wishing hers will be as nice as yours, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
OR she is just saying things to your FMIL to get her to shut up about how great your wedding is going to be. If FMIL is always inappropriately comparing you and FSIL when she's talking to you, she's probably doing the same to FSIL. Imagine being FSIL, and being compared and always (as you say) coming out the loser. I would imagine it would make for an awkward discussion. I mean, if my FMIL kept saying things about how great her other son's wedding was going to be and I knew mine would never compare due to factors beyond my control, I would probably mumble some comment (in secret sarcasm) like 'oh, um, yeah, I guess their wedding's going to be great, I wish mine could be just as great.' And yeah, I sure wouldn't go out of my way to involve her with wedding planning if she's just going to bash what I can afford or want. The information you're getting is second hand in this situation, and I would hesitate to completely judge her and write her off. Yeah, your first instinct is to be hurt and that's fine, but maybe there's more going on than what it first appears to be.
I think that you sound like a very sweet person and I think that it is perfectly fine to have your feelings hurt. I think that this girl also probably is just trying to say all of this stuff so that everyone knows she knows that your wedding will be better if you know what I'm saying. I think that it is great your parents are paying and yea it stinks that they have to pay for their wedding themselves that is just the way life is sometimes. Nobody said they had to spend themselves into the poorhouse just to put on a wedding better than yours or one to showoff to others. I think its very important to remember that a wedding is one day and while it is very important the most important thing is about the marriage and family that follows. I think that maybe a little more time for being engaged would be great to save money because once they are married all they have to show for that debt is pictures and memories that could have been just as sweet without the debt. She is obviously jealous of you and I would take this as just sad instead of feeling hurt. She probably does not ask you to do anything because in a way she might be embarrassed or something because she obviously feels her wedding will be stupid compared to yours. I think that you should talk to her if you don't want a very tense time at her wedding and your own not to mention you will all be family after those two days are passed. I am all about being honest in a loving positive way but she needs to know that she has hurt your feelings because while you are happy your parents are paying for your wedding you in no way are acting as if yours will be better. Weddings are beautiful because of what they represent and noone should lose sight of that. I think that you should talk to your mother in law too if it makes you uncomfortable to be compared even if you come out on top or at least just make very nice comments about your future sister in law to her.
You sound like such a sweet person and so I just hope you vent and let it all out and just get back to enjoying this time planning your wedding! And if you were going to let her read then I say go ahead and ask because there is no reason for you to become silly like they are being. She may say no but it doesn't hurt to ask :) Hope it all works out!
Sounds like jealousy on the FSIL's part to me...I'm so sorry, my feelings would be just as hurt as yours, especially if she asked another bro's gf to be a bridesmaid and not you, that's rude....
But ultimately, your wedding is going to be way way better so therefore YOU WIN! ha!
I think all you can do is smile pretty and enjoy their wedding. I understand there are a lot of underlying issues here, but anytime there are two weddings in a family and one is a small budget and one is a larger budget more elaborate then there are going to be comparisons. I don't think there is anything you can do to help her out about that.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. However, I don't think you should ask FSIL to do a reading at your wedding. I'm sure there are others who love and respect you and your FI much more than she that you could ask to stand up and read for you.
I don't think it really sounds like FSIL is badmouthing your wedding. I think she is just nervous about the comparisons, and saying stuff outloud to others to make sure others don't badmouth her wedding behind her back. Now if she was saying YOUR wedding was going to suck, then of course I would be mad. But her saying that she is happy he wedding is first because yours is going to rock, well, I just don't see anything wrong with that. I also think you should ask her to read-it would be a nice gesture.
Awww sweetie that's awful. People get so sticky when it comes to money, especially family. Your situation sounds somewhat similar to my sister and BIL. His family has always struggled and they view my sister and my family kind of like a bank. I think they don't see how hard we work to get further ahead, or where we cut back to save up for things we want... They just sort of get this 'Well you get everything you want in life and you don't do anything for it' mentality. It's really frustrating. Unfortunately I don't think you're ever going to stop them from being jealous, it's just the way people are. It's easier to be blind to the hard work other people do and not think about the hardships that have been gone through to get there, and instead look at the current position and believe it's always been that way. You can't help who you are or who your family is, so don't feel guilty about it.
I feel bad for your FSIL that she's so insecure and self conscious about her wedding. Clearly she's feeling a you vs her pressure and I agree with the others, it sounds like FMIL is causing it. The fact that her reaction is to bad mouth you though is completely inappropriate. I think you should stop buying her lots of gifts because it's just giving her more fuel (nor do I think you should try to ease your conscience in this way, you shouldn't be feeling guilty!!). She's going to turn around after the shower and say "oh did you see how much Mrs Louboutin is showing off? Look how much money she spent!". You're never going to win with her.
I wouldn't ask her to do a reading. The people you want representing you and FI at your wedding should be people who love you and when you see them doing their part you feel proud and happy. I think it's just best to back away from the situation and leave it be. FMIL should keep her nose out of it. Don't send her anything else about the wedding because clearly she's passing it along to FSIL and it sounds like it's in a "You're not as good as Mrs Louboutin" way and I know that's not your intention. Go to FSIL's wedding, rave about how beautiful it is and how you'd like to steal X idea from her for your own, have fun, flatter her and try to make her feel good because clearly she doesn't feel good. Just do your best.
((HUGS))
I agree about at least throwing the offer to FSIL on doing a reading. Take the high road. You know, if I was in her situation, I'd probably be jealous. I don't think I'd be mean or purposely exclude you, while I have the other FSIL. But I understand her feelings.
I don't think FMIL orchestrated the whole thing. But she isn't helping, to say the least. PErhaps FSIL has an abrasive personality, which would explain the change in FI/FBIL's relationship, excluding you, and FMIL not liking her as much as you. Then FSIL picks up on this, and it all snowballs from there....
You know, I met a gal once who rubbed me the wrong way. Come to find out after, she's completely loaded. Made me even more mad. I was very jealous. Of course I kept it to myself. I din't really know her. But after a year + I ended up meeting her. She was nice (Sigh). I don't dislike her anymore. (I can't say I'm not just a little jealous, she's flithy rich, but I like her as a person.) My point??? There's hope you can break down those walls, if you continue to be kind to her.
I have to agree with @flamingred a little here, and I think the sentiment that the OP's wedding is going to be "better" is a missing the point a bit. It's hard to have the "poor" wedding, especially when you know there is going to be a lot of guest overlap and people will naturally compare. (On that note, I think the FI's brother and fiancee should have planned their wedding for much later or something, but still...) My best friend just got married last weekend, and I have two months to go. She had a parent-hosted extravaganza, and we are self-hosting a modest celebration. Though I remained supportive (and she of me) it's hard to see someone you know and love get bigger and better things!
OP: I understand your feelings are hurt, but I think she's just building up a defense mechanism because she's insecure about her own wedding... a feeling I can unfortunately empathize with. Barring any future catty behavior toward you directly, I think you should try to follow @futuremominlaw's advice. Also, I think your FMIL should have kept her mouth shut instead of stirring the pot like that. :(
What a tough situation. My advise is to bite the bullet. When your feelings are hurt it is tough to not defent yourself and explain where you come from, but with two weddings so close to each other it is probably the best thing to do. It is not your fault that your parents are being generous enough to help out with your wedding.
I can see how frustrating it is for you. But imagine yourself in her shoes. If your soon to be sister-in-law expressed how sad she was just before your wedding--how would that make your feel? Take the high road.
Thanks ladies! I'm just going to try to be as nice as I can at the wedding and not discuss any of this. I'm also going to try to divert any comparison discussions with FMIL. I think I am feeling this way because of both FSIL and FMIL. I also don't want to add any more stress onto FSIL than she already has before her wedding by having a semi-serious discussion. We see them so rarely as it is, and I think it would put a damper on their weekend, which is the last thing I want to do.
You know, jealousy is real pet peeve of mine. The feeling can be normal, but the acting out is NOT.
People tend to pity the jealous one, but really it is the person being envied that goes through a lot of hell too!! People can be real nasty or passive aggressive when they're jealous of you.
It's so pathetic, and I don't blame you if you feel hurt. Don't invalidate yourself, it's okay to feel hurt by it.
Someone once told me when this group of girls at work were jealous of me and it hurt my feelings, to remind myself that's how much "power" I have, and that's how miserable they are.
Pity her, b/c she's obviously chronically miserable. You enjoy your wedding planning! Screw her.
:)
I only had two things to add to my previous post.
You're probably at her wedding now. Enjoy it, and remember... this is just the beginning of a lifelong family tie. Ignore her and the FMIL's comments right now... be gracious and kill them with kindness. A person should be able to enjoy their own blessings without feeling guilty about them- or being jealous of someone elses'. if that lesson is not learned early on, it will be one long miserable life for SIL.
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I know there is nothing I can do. I'm not the type to cause problems, but my feelings have been hurt.
FI and I were together for a year and a half before we got engaged last year. Our wedding will be this July. FI's brother got engaged right after us to his girlfriend of 6 months and they scheduled their wedding right before ours (even though we already set our date, we had been together much longer, and FI is the older brother). I let this go seeing as how every wedding is special and that this wouldn't take away from our day. FI asked his brother to be his best man, FI's brother only asked FI to be a groomsman.
I recently find out that FI's brother's fiance has been bad mouthing my wedding to anyone and everyone who will listen. They all live in the same city as where FI is from, which is across the country. I really haven't said much about my wedding to FI's brother's fiance knowing that they are paying for their own wedding and my parents and paying for an all out formal bash. I find out from FI's mother this past weekend that FI's brother's fiance has been complaing for months about how beautiful my wedding will be and how hers will suck, how she is so glad theirs is first because they wouldn't want to follow ours, etc etc etc
This makes me really sad. This coupled with the fact that the fiance asked FI's OTHER brother's girlfriend to be a bridesmaid (they don't really even know each other or like each other from what I have heard) and didn't ask me to do anything in the wedding, even if its just ask guests to sign the guest book. I was planning on asking her to do a reading, but now I'm thinking I shouldn't.
I hate being that person complaining about feeling hurt, but my feelings are hurt. We are flying out for their wedding very soon and I'm going to be as nice and not say anything, but this does hurt my feelings. I've been nothing but extremely nice to her and I even bought her a $300 shower present because I felt so bad they had to pay for their own wedding and were going into debt to do so. I know that buying gifts doesn't count for anything, but it was my way of just doing something nice for them.