(Closed) Dealing with wedding jealousy. My feelings are hurt.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’d say just let it go. Obviously they are jealous and they recognize that yours will be the better wedding. Don’t talk about yours unless they ask you about what you’re doing and just leave the subject alone. You might mention to your FI what his brother is saying and let him deal with his family.

Post # 4
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

You have every right to feel hurt and I would feel the same as you; in fact I did before my wedding but over other circumstances. I WILL NEVER understand family and friends bashing on a loved ones wedding, never. Maybe she does feel insecure about her wedding but you should never lash out your insecurities at someone else only to hurt them. For myself I come with the new found attitude awhile ago and saying, I will do all I can to never say something about someone behind their back that I wont say to their face. I think people forget it is so hurtful and that words can never be taken back and they sometimes linger longer than any action ever could. Just try to enjoy yourself at the wedding and chalk it up to her probably being insecure.

Post # 5
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

The situation sucks, and I’m not sure why your MIL would tell you your future sister in law is bad mouthing your wedding. I don’t think she’s bad mouthing it.. more like she’s a little jealous of your formal affair. I would let it go and go out of your way to really enjoy their wedding and gush about their details. Sometimes being the bigger person is the only way to go- she’s feeling insecure continue to extend an olive branch.

Post # 7
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Do you think maybe you FMIL pits your FSIL against you a little? The whole situation is a little odd- perhaps your fiance should tell his mother to stop stirring the pot.

Post # 9
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Have you talked to your Fi about this? This is his brother, so he needs to know how his brother’s action are effecting you. Your FI obviously loves you, and his brother as well. You need to tell him FI how hurt you are by this – your FI should realize (or you can suggest to him) that he needs to talk with his brother about how his actions (and perhaps the other family members too) are affecting you. 

Your feelings are totally valid here – your FI should help comfort you. He’s going to be your life partner, and needs to stand up for you.

Post # 11
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I feel so bad for you.  But my suggestion is to take the high road.  Its hard having weddings close my Fi’s brother did the same to him on his first marriage with the date. 3 months before.  And his son decided to get married a month after us.  But no one is being bitter or jelouse.  We are helping each other our colors are even similar — It makes me feel young comparing notes with my FDI.   Smile, keep your head up and just ignore her digs.  And congratulations on your wedding. 

Post # 12
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

I agree with Maureen that your FMIL is out of line even telling you all of this.  As I was reading your post, I kept wondering why on earth would she want to hurt you by telling you things that would obviously bother you.  Maybe it’s your FMIL that is feeling guilty of the fact that YOUR parents are paying for your wedding and THEY aren’t helping the other brother to pay for a nicer wedding? It sounds like she is the one criticizing you, not the brother’s fiance.  You mentioned that you don’t see your inlaws very often?  Maybe this is her way of punishing you.

Post # 14
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

I think you should just go to the brother’s wedding, ooo and ahhh over everything, and NOT talk about your upcoming wedding to your FMIL until well after the other wedding is over.  You already know that she tends to pit the SIL against you by comparing you, so just concentrate on developing a better relationship with your SIL. I think you should be grateful that you don’t live that close to your FI’s family so you won’t get dragged into continual family drama!

Post # 15
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

It all sounds a little strange to me…

The whole issue with your FI and his brother is a separate issue, but regarding your FSIL’s alleged jealousy, your FMIL may be the problem and not the FSIL (obviously coming from someone who doesn’t know either of their personalities). 

Even if you take what your FMIL says as the truth (and she may be twisting the truth to fit her own illusions), it sounds like FSIL isn’t bashing your wedding but wishing hers will be as nice as yours, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

OR she is just saying things to your FMIL to get her to shut up about how great your wedding is going to be.  If FMIL is always inappropriately comparing you and FSIL when she’s talking to you, she’s probably doing the same to FSIL.  Imagine being FSIL, and being compared and always (as you say) coming out the loser. I would imagine it would make for an awkward discussion.  I mean, if my FMIL kept saying things about how great her other son’s wedding was going to be and I knew mine would never compare due to factors beyond my control, I would probably mumble some comment (in secret sarcasm) like ‘oh, um, yeah, I guess their wedding’s going to be great, I wish mine could be just as great.’  And yeah, I sure wouldn’t go out of my way to involve her with wedding planning if she’s just going to bash what I can afford or want.  The information you’re getting is second hand in this situation, and I would hesitate to completely judge her and write her off.  Yeah, your first instinct is to be hurt and that’s fine, but maybe there’s more going on than what it first appears to be.

Post # 16
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I think that you sound like a very sweet person and I think that it is perfectly fine to have your feelings hurt.  I think that this girl also probably is just trying to say all of this stuff so that everyone knows she knows that your wedding will be better if you know what I’m saying.  I think that it is great your parents are paying and yea it stinks that they have to pay for their wedding themselves that is just the way life is sometimes.  Nobody said they had to spend themselves  into the poorhouse just to put on a wedding better than yours or one to showoff to others.  I think its very important to remember that a wedding is one day and while it is very important the most important thing is about the marriage and family that follows.  I think that maybe a little more time for being engaged would be great to save money because once they are married all they have to show for that debt is pictures and memories that could have been just as sweet without the debt.  She is obviously jealous of you and I would take this as just sad instead of feeling hurt.  She probably does not ask you to do anything because in a way she might be embarrassed or something because she obviously feels her wedding will be stupid compared to yours.  I think that you should talk to her if you don’t want a very tense time at her wedding and your own not to mention you will all be family after those two days are passed.  I am all about being honest in a loving positive way but she needs to know that she has hurt your feelings because while you are happy your parents are paying for your wedding you in no way are acting as if yours will be better.  Weddings are beautiful because of what they represent and noone should lose sight of that.  I think that you should talk to your mother in law too if it makes you uncomfortable to be compared even if you come out on top or at least just make very nice comments about your future sister in law to her.

You sound like such a sweet person and so I just hope you vent and let it all out and just get back to enjoying this time planning your wedding! And if you were going to let her read then I say go ahead and ask because there is no reason for you to become silly like they are being.  She may say no but it doesn’t hurt to ask 🙂 Hope it all works out!

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