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Dear B**** I share an office space with. My boss really likes me. You tattling on me that I forgot to unplug my fan last night isn't going to change that. In fact, neither of us like you and when we get out of this lease, we're moving. Then who will you complain to?
Sincerely,
~Only been here a couple months and people like me more than you.
Dear Jerk off from Craig's List
If you're going to cancel, don't do it 2 minutes before you're supposed to meet me. And please have the decency to call next time. I waited for you all morning and finally assumed you would come only to get an email from you 2 minutes before.
Thanks. Thanks a bunch.
Dear Ebay,
Please stop selling s**t cheap and then charge me more for shipping than what I got the item for.
Dear Everyone who keep bothering me about the wedding,
Leave me the hell alone and stop asking questions that dont concern you.
Dear Bitchy Co-worker,
I can't stand your condescending attitude and the fact that you dont want to take calls and see clients but then reiterate the term "Teamwork." I'm so over your bi-polar attitude and the fact that you act like a victim even though you tried to throw me under the bus at a meeting yesterday. Go screw yourself and and take team work and shove it up your a**.
Thanks, Annoyed
Dear stupid FBIL's friend,
I do not want to invite you to our wedding, just because you send me a msg every once in a blue moon asking me how I'm doing, it does not mean I want to invite you to our wedding. You are a B*$&h, all you think about is yourself, you don't give a damn about anybody, Your boyfriend is my FBIL's little bitch and that's probably the only reason you might get an invite because your boyfriend might get an invitation. So stop pretending that you care and go fly a kyte!!!
Ouff, that felt good lol, thanks for this thread!
Dear nice lady sitting across from me in my doctor's waiting room this morning,
While I know you had the best intentions and were concerned only for my safety, I did not appreciate you interrupting me in my reading of "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" to tell me that you just read about someone crashing her car because her flipflops got stuck under the gas pedal, all while staring at my flipflops. I felt like a small child being scolded, except you aren't my mommy.
Sincerely,
Unrepentant Flipflop Wearer
Dear reps from training, apparently you are not ready yet to be working on the stuff you were supposed to be trained on. I am getting tired of when you send me your work to Audit to find you not reading the request correctly to making mind boggling mistakes that I have to let you know about.
Dear step-cousin,
We all get that you and your fiance (that you've been with for less than a year) are soo in love. I guess that would explain the numerous emotional affairs he's been conducting via e-Mail (on the computer and internet connection that YOU pay for) and text messaging (on the cell phone YOU pay for). Anyway, we all understand how deeply in love with each other the two of you are. Therefore, it is completely unecessary to see FB conversations between you like this:
Her fiance comes home from work, to where she is lying in bed, and posts this on her FB wall:
"I love you baby... just got home, getting ready to crawl into bed with you."
(Totally not necessary, seeing as how she knows he is home and ready to get into bed.)
Cousin's comment to her fiance:
"I love you too baby...i'm glad you're home safe and sound..i've missed you."
Her Fiance:
"i always miss you when we are apart"
Cousin:
"awwww baby so do i...i love you with all my heart & soul."
Her fiance:
"i love you with every fiber of my being"
Cousin:
"awwww....ditto"
Her fiance:
"its true "
Cousin:
"i know baby and i feel the same way."
Her fiance:
"good, i dont want that to ever change"
Cousin:
" it never will baby"
@Neva: She said that!? Wow...she's on one serious personal mission.
To the people I work for...
Yes you WILL figure something out for today, because I am not coming in sick. Just because you're demanding and ridiculous and don't bother having people to cover when things happen...doesn't mean I'm going to come in when I feel like death. And I'm not going to feel bad about it eitiher.
Sincerely, sicky.
oooo- I have a few of these.
Dear Job,
You kind of suck the life out of me but at least I have you even though you just barely pay my bills.
Dear Wedding,
You are super exciting, expensive, and stressful. Please find a way to work out in the next few weeks before I cancel you and elope.
Oh and please tell my family they need to not be so sensitive, it's quite exhausting planning a wedding and having to inform everyone of everything you're thinking or they feel insulted and left out.
Dear LIRR,
Can you please go one week without being delayed? My commute is long as it is, you are not helping like you should be.
Dear Other Wedding I'm dealing with as a MOH,
I don't like you and if you weren't two months away I might very well quit you because of the drama. I am not a f^ck up and there is not reason your in-laws should be calling me that and honestly there's no reason for you to let them.
Dear annoying lady that i share an office with...
Please do not SCREAM into your phone when you are talking, actually just don't talk at all, your voice gives me a head ache. Please STOP SPRAYING your old lady PERFUME in a small room with no air...
thank you..
Bahaha I wish we coule "like" things here.
"actually just don't talk at all, your voice gives me a head ache." That made me laugh.
@swanks4tw: Me too. I wish I could say that to my upstairs neighbor, he has the most annoying voice I've ever heard, and laughs like a male version of Fran Drescher.
Dear friend,
Our venue is NOT shabby. Also, the fact that you're having a reception BEFORE YOUR MARRIAGE isn't the brightest of ideas. Plus, you do realize everyone is going to know you copied US, since it's AFTER OUR WEDDING, right???? Learn to do your own thing and stop copying people. Also, if you continue insulting with the passive agressiveness, you will learn that though I am typically nice andk sweet, I have claws and know how to use them. After sharpening them. And your bf who is my FI's best friend, ain't gonna save your ass. Just sayin', 'cause my FI is on MY SIDE and agrees with me.
Sincerely,
ME
Dear Milo (my cat),
I would appreciate it if you could handle being shut in a room for an hour. The movers had to move our stuff in and you know that. Instead, you find a way to open the linen cabinet door and find it awesome that there's no ceiling in there. I didn't know there was no ceiling in there or obviously I wouldn't have put you in there so why did you find it so fun? Lucky for you the ceiling has panels so you were able to fall through instead of being stuck. Also lucky is the fact that you didn't electrocute yourself. Don't do it again or else. Consider yourself warned.
@linguo42: Here's mine, perfectly timed because I am SO upset.
"Dear Mom,
You have been pinching me in my stomach since I was 10 years old telling me I had "more than an inch" of fat (at like 90 lbs). Guess what?! Just because you have weight problems and are OBSESSED with being fat doesn't mean it's alright for you to tell me I better diet or else you're going to have to roll me down the aisle. I am 5'3 and 135 lbs, yes I am an apple, but I am NOT morbidly obese!!!! You not only forced me to pick a dress that (while nice) I do not love, but now you "won't let me" alter it because I should stop being so fat and alter myself (after all it's cheaper). I dread even LOOKING at my wedding dress, let alone every time I have to put it on. You made a scene at david's bridal when it was a little tight in the bust and I am sure you will make me feel bad on my wedding day about how "fat" I am and how you "just knew" that I would be TOO FAT for my wedding dress. I am within my BMI, are you?"
Dear Boss/Shitza old building I work in:
The AC is out today, im sweating and I forgot my deoderant this morning. The office smells like farts layered with stifiling heat. Thank you for not letting us go home early. Thank you for bringing my paycheck at the end of the day. Please utilize direct deposit, this is not 1980, though the building sure is tacky enough to be. Thanks cheapskate boss. I'll spend the rest of my time reading the bee boards, then. You're welcome.
Schvety Me
Dear Landlady,
I'm really over hearing how much you spent replacing the hot water heater in my place. Guess what? That's why I pay rent. I'm sorry that you actually had to pay a professional to do something around here because your handyman couldn't fix that one half a$$ed. And seriously? The hot water heater guy told you the access door should be insulated. Duct tape? Wow, we spare no expense around here!
I am loving this thread!!
Dear sorority girl who was at a wedding I was at this afternoon,
Going to a wedding in a church is not the same as going clubbing. Please don't dress like everyone wants to see your cleavage AND 99.4% of your legs.
Oh, and you probably shouldn't wear a dress that is whiter and more shiny than the bride's...
I have a couple
Dear girl on my facebook,
You are not a nerd because you play a game just to fit in, get overyourself.A nerd is someone who plays games and understands it, knows about computers and can sit through a Star Trek marathon.You only play that game because your boyfriend plays.Also you owe me for paying for lunch that one day
Dear people that come to sonic,
I am sorry we dont have salads anymore.That wasnt out choice.It was corporate.So dont get mad at us when you try and order all ice cream(which has an outragous amount of calories)and a salad.If you are gonna eat healthy dont get ice cream too.
Dear boyfriends best friend,
We used to be best friends but then you became a dick when you got married.That is why I hate you and my boyfriend hanging out.Let alone 2 years ago you kept trying to get with me while I was with my boyfriend.I hate your wife and I cannot wait til you two move in December when you guys leave for the navy.
Love, aperson who cannot shut up for much longer
Dearest co-workers,
Yes, I may have had some nausea and smell aversions at inservice this afternoon; however, I am NOT PREGNANT. Sorry.
Love,
Me
Dear FILs,
I appreciate you allowing the both of us to live with you until we can get our finances straighten. I sincerely apologize that I have not been able to contribute much since I began working. Your son is currently unemployed and does his best around the house to help out. I feel that nothing he does is ever good enough for you. It angers me.
Also, when we ask "what's for dinner?" - it's usually our way of seeing if you're actually cooking dinner or do not plan on eating until almost 8 pm. We KNOW you are not responsible for feeding us. We do not expect anything. Especially because we have been fending for ourselves for awhile now. Quit bitching because we do not do something only to bitch about how we DO do something. The communication between all of us has been cut for some odd reason.
Another thing. Please stop fighting, coming to us trying to get us on your side, making our lives hell then make up and treat us like shit afterwards.
You guys need counseling. Couple counseling. You are dragging me down.
Sincerely,
Your mentally/emotionally exhausted FDIL
Dear Bridesmaids
Get it together ladies. You've known for over a year that you would have to buy a dress and attend a couple wedding related events. I'm tired of hearing that you can't come to this or you can't pay for that because you failed to plan ahead. This didn't happen overnight.
Sincerely,
Moi
Ugh, I have another 
Dear Bank of America,
Quit putting holds on our card every time we make a big wedding related purchase. You did it when he rented the tuxes. I know, he is a man and the store was called "dress gallery" so we were understanding even though it took the entire next morning to get our account unfrozen. But seriously?! We can't even buy a wedding ring without you guys freaking and putting a hold on the account? Honestly, if you'd just call and ask "hey, did you just spend x amount at such and such store?" We could tell you "why yes, we did. thank you for asking." Is that really so hard? Guess what? We're getting married! We will be making big purchases, a lot of them. Is this going to happen every time? Must we call you and warn you that we're going to spend money before we make a purchase? C'mon guys, this is ridiculous.
Sincerely,
Bride who's tired of having to undo your mistakes
Dear Life,
Please get with it. I'm sick of struggling to keep a roof over my head, money in the bank, keeping my FI happy and sane and trying to please everyone else too. I would just really like it if you would be nice and let everything work out for once. Thank you.
Dear Future BIL,
You're a jerk. Just because we don't have the things you have doesn't mean that we're lazy or stupid. You do realise that the only reason you have your job, fancy cars, your expensive wedding, your wife and your baby is because your in-laws paid for it all. Everything you have was handed to you. I'm very sorry to tell you but other people usually have to work for those things. Like your brother and I who only just found a place to live after being homeless for three weeks. I'm so terribly sorry that it makes you look bad. You're a stuck- up prick and I am glad we now live an hour away from you so I don't have to put up with you telling your brother that he should leave me cause i'm holding him back.
Sincerly, the woman who *is* marrying your brother so get over it.
Dear US Army,
Give me back my husband! It is cruel and unusual to steal away a Newlywed for an entire 12 weeks (when the school could have been completed in less than 4), and I am about to go nuts without him here. I can't sleep. I can't eat. So stop delaying this process and get him back home.
Sincerely,
Sad and lonely wife...
Oh and I nearly forgot:
Dear Future US Army,
You suck for making my husband deploy for A YEAR in just 5 short months.
Not cool.
Dear nieghbors who walk on the complex apartment balcony like you weigh 600 pounds please stop. Also please stop RUNNING LOUDLY by my window & door at 2 am in the morning causing my dog to bark while I am soaking in the tub from a sore knee to only scare the living heck out of me.
Thanks.
Dear person in the blue car,
Thanks for turning on the street I was also turning onto and then stopping dead in the center of the road to turn into the cemetery with no turn signal or warning! I almost hit you and the car behind me was so close to my bumper I don't know how they didn't hit me. You need to learn to use turn signals and learn where the cemetery entrance is because the place you entered was not for left hand turns! Want to know why? It causes accidents! Thank you so much for the near heart attack!!!
All my love, Red car owner whose lived over here for 5 years and driven my same car here for over 5 years and would like to continue doing so.
Dear People Who Scheduled an Interview for Today and Didn't Show or Call,
I need to hire 30 people for part time work in October. I would have hired you today if you had shown up and expressed interest. I would have rescheduled your interview for 2 weeks from now had you called. Instead I spent an entire Saturday away from my 3 year old daughter and 5 year old son waiting on you to show up.
Dont call me with excuses on Monday. I will be giving someone else that job.
A pissed off potential employer.
Dear SIL and BIL,
No, I am not babysitting your kids next week. I'm sorry the two of you didn't think the whole child care thing through before SIL went back to work. That does not make me responsible. I'm pregnant and exhausted and I do not need the stress of your undisciplined, uncontrolable, non-listening kids vexing my nerves. I'd much rather prefer the last weeks of my pregnancy watching movies and reading and having peace and quiet, thankyouverymuch!
Signed,
Me
@nontraditionalmiami: Funniest thing EVER.
Dear Everyone Who Doesn't Have Kids,
Please don't offer me parenting advice. It's so hard not to respond sarcastically and I really don't have energy for restraint right now.
Thanks,
A New Mom who Still Knows More About This Than You
Dear Woman I'm Not Friends With,
Why is my lack of response to all of your emails and texts not enough to make you STOP CONTACTING ME?!
Sincerely,
Thisclose to telling you to frig off
Dear Self,
PLEASE show some self-restraint and stop eating everything in sight. I know you're bored/stressed/hungry but seriously. Go eat some grapes or something instead of that delicious piece of cake.
Thanks,
Me.
Dear random strangers,
I dont expect special treatment being 36wks pregnant, but seriously, if I'm moving too effin slow with my waddle, walk the eff around me!
Dear Aunt,
I don't care about my former friend's baby shower. I know you took pictures to show her mama MY shower because she had the same effin colors. I liked that she copied my Team Green shower, especially since she knows she's having a girl and could have done tons of girl themes... just shows how creative my sister is and how uncreative her hosts were.LMAO
Dear legs,
Please stop swelling!
Dear baby,
Please do not come on daddy's 1st day at his new job next monday. You can wait until your due date.LOL
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In the words of Ron White, things that make you go "buhhh"...
Dear creepy IT guy,
NO I do NOT want to see the bruise on your stomach from the blood thinner shot they gave you at the hospital. How in ANY way shape or form is you lifting your shirt up to display your hairy, sweaty pot belly appropriate for the workplace?
Sincerely,
The girl who kept her eyes firmly fixed on her computer screen but still got a peripheral view of the nastiness.
Anyone else have someone they want to tell off today? Share 'em if you got 'em!