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Oh your poor thing ((hugs))
Firstly your fi needs to tell her straight up that there will be no second reception and that there will be X amount of people invited to the wedding and future mother in law can invite X amount of people NO MORE from that number she can invite whomever she likes. That you will be having X music and therefore dont need his brother to play and finally due to the past actions of the other brother he will not be a groomsman. End of Story.
Thanks for the support ladies :) I think I'll have FI call his mom tomorrow
Keep in mind that any monetary contributions should be considered a GIFT by both parties (you and FI, and the FMIL). When it all boils down, it is your day and you will be the one with regrets if it isn't all you hoped for.
Even so, she is his mother. My family couldn't help with the expense of our wedding, but it was still important for them to be involved and a part of it. As such, yes it may be important for her to have a VOICE in large decision-making, but not the final vote.
Also, if they want to host a second reception for you, what is the true harm?
If it's separate from your wedding day, you may be surprised at the help the extra gifts can provide. And it would be much less formal for you...not really added stress. Kind of like a second wedding shower. It could be a positive thing...just something to **consider**.
Keep your chin up. My MIL and I DO get along and it was still hard for a lot of the planning to not just tear her a new one. They don't mean to be overbearing!
@latentsmile: the big problem I am having with the second reception is the disrespect she is showing my parents over the whole thing...like we are putting her out even though we have not asked her to do anything but show up. She is also wants us to wear our wedding attire again. Plus it will be the middle of the semester for us and we will be studying for quals for grad school. We don't really have the money to throw a second reception just so her aunts don't have to travel...
Have you pointed out to her that you can't afford the extra expense? Is it possible that she expects to host the party? If you are clear that she needs to host the party, perhaps she will be less gung-ho about it.
Also, is it possible she feels disrespected because she hasn't been asked to chip in for the wedding? Not knowing the situation makes it hard to gauge exactly where all of the trouble is rooted, but I know that my father felt better once he made it clear exactly how much he could and could not contribute.
I wouldn't wear my wedding attire again for another reception, no way. Maybe a nice cocktail dress, though. It's special for one day of use. Mine is in storage until our 20th anniversary, at least! :) I see how you are very frustrated. Has your FI offered to one-on-one with her? This sounds like something he may need to set straight. After all, he knows her better than you do, and we know that FMIL/MIL's can tend to get a bit catty with DIL's no matter how hard we try. Best of luck!
@latentsmile: Thanks for the advice :) FI is set to talk with her tomorrow about the whole issue. She is expecting us to host it. I don't have an issue with them not contributing financially, his dad just got laid off and his brother is a professional college student at a private art school, so I know they don't have the funds, hence why we didn't ask them. We didn't want them to feel bad, and my parents have been so generous to help pay for our wedding. I'm with you though, I'll save my dress for my 20th anniversary...if I can still fit in it :-P
@missapis: ugh, so sorry you've having to deal with this!
If she pays for the 2nd "reception", then fine, let her. It'll be on HER to do everything and you'll be the "guests of honor" and only have to show up. Otherwise, nope, not gonna happen. Also, I'd make it known it has to be on a weekend when you two are available...
Otherwise, just give her x-amount of invites and that's it! If she gets cranky, let your FI be firm about it. And make sure HE doesn't give in when talking to her (I know, I know, sometimes easier said than done. I have this problem with my FI and HIS mother over other stuff, so I can sympathize somewhat.).
After all that, I'd just ignore her and send the invites to who you and your FI want if she doesn't give you a set number of names.
Oh, and I also have to say that she DOES NOT have to have a say in your day. Especially if she isn't paying. The one who pays has the say, typically. As well as the bride and groom... usually, but sometimes that doesn't happen when the parents are paying. Sad, but true :( Though it doesn't sound like you have to worry about that! :)
good luck and I hope it all works out for you!!!
Sorry you are going through this. I'll just make it clear that she can host an at home reception if that is what she wants. Just let you know when and where and you guys will be there. When my family members get all upset because my wedding is in California and say why can't I get married in XYZ city they live in. I just say well you can certainly have a wedding in xyz city just let us know where and when and we will be there, however the real wedding will be in Sonoma. That usually shuts them up.
Also to add to PP ideas,let her know as politley as you can that if she continues to invite people word of mouth or tells people what is happening where and when,then when you do send out invites,she will look silly and foolish for being wrong.(Hope this makes sense)
xx
@kimbo89: Thats a good idea :)
Thanks ladies, I knew you guys would make me feel better about the situation
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Even before FI and I got engaged, I knew that the wedding planning process was going to be complicated by FMIL. She never got the wedding she wanted and all she talked about was what SHE wanted for our wedding. We picked a venue closer to my parents for 2 main reasons: they are paying for everything, and my grandparents are older/ill and cannot make the 3 hour drive to the town my FILs live. FMIL has been having issues with this since we told her. She is convinced that we did this to spite her and she is complaining that all of her aunts/uncles and such wont be able to make it because they are old. FI has never met half of these people and they are in nursing homes and very ill, so they would not be able to come even if we had the wedding in her town! She now wants us to throw a second wedding reception in their town after the wedding so non of FI relatives will have to travel, even the ones that would be able to. She has been inviting people by word of mouth and her side of the guest list has started to get out of control. As I mentioned before, she has not offered to pay for anything. I am just trying to ignore her, but she has been such a witch our whole relationship, it is just starting to wear on me. She is also trying to force FI and I to allow FI's younger brother to perform a musical selection at our wedding (he is horrible at all of the instruments she makes him play. All he wants to play is his Wii) and make his older brother a groomsman. His older brother has gone out of his way to try to break us up time after time, even going so far as to steal my things while I am visiting and sending me frantic text messages while I am out of town that FI was trying to stab the younger brother (completly untrue). I am just getting so fed up with his family and the wedding is not until fall 2012. I can already tell that this is going to be a battle.
Any bees with advice for me? I need some help with his crazy family.