Post # 1
It seems like this whole engagement has been a constant battle with my future mother in law over who is making the decisions. For example, when we first got engaged Future Mother-In-Law decided that her brother’s girlfriend’s daughter had to be the flower girl. Did she even ask us if we wanted her to be the flower girl? no. She just asked her brother’s girlfriend if she could. Then Future Mother-In-Law decided that she was going to buy the flower girl dress. I fell in love with one dress and I told her that was the one that I wanted. It was only like $27 on ebay. (score!) However, apparently Future Mother-In-Law had her own idea for what the dress should be. So when I went to her house she told me that the dress that I wanted had already been sold on ebay and she couldn’t get it now. Then she proceeded to show me another dress that she said she thought was adorable. I reluctantly agreed to the dress because at that point I was bummed that the dress I really really wanted was unavailable. But turns out Future Mother-In-Law LIED about the dress. My sister (who worked with her at the time) said she showed her the dress online the day that she ordered it and it was very much still available. WTF. Now I’m stuck with a dress with brown butterflies all over it…..for a fall wedding. Makes sense, right?
Well now I have found my dream ceremony venue. It’s an adorable chapel from the 1800s and it’s only $200 to rent. It goes with the feel of our wedding so well, and I LOVE it. I’ve always wanted to get married in a little white chapel.
But of course Future Mother-In-Law keeps telling me that I should just get married at her church or my FI’s grandparents’ church so that it will be free. I know I should’ve already booked the chapel, but things aren’t as high-paced around here. I live in the country so venues don’t typically get booked up that far in advance. However, she keeps making me feel bad being like “what if it’s booked for that date already? It’ll probably be booked.” So I told her that I would just change the date if it was already booked for the date we chose. Then she had the nerve to tell me “you can’t change the date, i done told everyone.” (and yes, that’s a direct quote.)
now the bridezilla is really coming out of me. I don’t care who SHE told. Half of the people she told probably won’t be invited anyway. (she wants us to invite her friends and other people we don’t want there for the sake of our small budget) I’m just getting so annoyed. I understand that she wants to help, but I don’t take kindly to the fact that she’s telling me what to do or that she’s trying to make the decisions for us. This is OUR wedding. WE are paying for it. Let US plan it. Dang.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour
You need to put your foot down!
Don’t let her force tou to make a decision about anything right away. If she ‘suggests’ something, thank her, but let her know you need to think about it.
If she brings up the fact that you can’t change the date again, let her know that you those who are invited will be getting invitations anyway, so they will have plenty of notice on the corrected date anyway so it’s not a big deal.
The picture of the chapel is beutiful! Don’t let her bully you out of that. Keep repeating ‘Thank you, but we’ve already made a decision.’
It’s YOUR wedding.
Post # 4
@futureMrsMason: I think the key is to give her as little information as possible so you don’t open a door into giving her an opinion. Stick to “yes” and “no” as much as possible. If she’s not paying, she doesn’t have to know.
You can’t really go back on the flower girl drama it seems, but just avoid talking about wedding stuff with her. You can tell her your wedding date after you book the venue that YOU want.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour
ps – just buy the flowergirl dress that you want. ‘Accudentily’ ruin the other one if you have to.
Post # 6
It’s nice to please parents and parents-in-law but ultimately the decisions are yours, especially if you are the one paying!
As for the wedding date, I’m sure guests are going to come to the church based on the date listed on the invitation, no matter what she [done] told them! If she continues with rude and bossy comments, I recommend you have your Fiance speak to her, he will know how to deal with his mom.
Post # 7
Ok first, the chapel is amazing, don’t let it go. Secondly, eventually you’re going to have to say that this is going to be one of the most important days of your life and that you appreciate her input but it is ultimately about you and your Fiance.
Post # 8
I would tell her to kick rocks.. but the main reason Im writing this is to let you know that $200 is a great deal for a chapel.. her church is probably NOT free..its costing me $1000 to get married in my own church with all the fees they charge.. so shes probably wrong about that
Post # 9
@futureMrsMason: I second the PP about the price issue … I am getting married at the church I attend and it’s free for me but you are still expected to make a donation (and pay the organist). It’s discounted, but definitely not free (more like $500!), for “inactive members” such as children of members, which would be the category you fall into. It would probably be something like that are your MILs church. $200 is not bad at all, and that chapel is BEAUTIFUL. Seriously gorgeous. Stand up for what you want, you deserve it! You are paying and none of the “objections” she raised are insurmountable.
Post # 10
Quit telling her details:) Book the places you and Fiance want, when you want them and buy your own $27 flower girl dress. This is your wedding and if you don’t take the initiative to get the things that are important to you , she is going ot run you over like a train. If things don’t get better I would have Fiance talk to her about “being a little ovewhelming”, is how I would put it, so she will back off.
Post # 11
@futureMrsMason: Honey grow a backbone NOWbecause one year will pass quickly. I went through the same thing. My aunts “planned” my mom’s wedding 30 years ago and wanted to do with same with mine.
Needless to say, I did what I wanted to do.
Do you want that little girl as a flower girl? If not, you need to call the fg and let her know that your Mother-In-Law jumped the gun, went behind your back, and you have chosen to use someone else. It is not your fault. Place the blame on your Future Mother-In-Law.
Second, buy the dress you want. Do you really want to look at that 2nd dress for the rest of your life in your wedding photos? Because photos are forever.
Third, keep all details to yourself. As a PP said, just say “I’ve already handled that thank you”.
Get ready for a battle over the guest list because it is coming.
Post # 12
I assume that telling you to put your foot down is going to be sound advice, but were it that simple…it would have been done!
I agree, unfortunately she can’t handle being included on planning.
and when that guest list happens let her give you all the guests she wants personally I’d invoice her for each invite/plate…but again not you.
once the invites go out there’s nothing she can do other than be embarrassed when her friends have no where to sit and nothing to eat
Post # 13
I’ve already had this discussion with her way back when all the flower girl drama and everything else was going on. (my last straw was when she seriously tried to talk my Fiance out of the chapel the first time behind my back.) I told her that it was our wedding and I appreciated her help but it was ultimately OUR wedding and I was going to have to live with the memory of that day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to regret how the day went just because my Fiance and I have different visions for the day than she does. She wants everything super traditional, while we do not. I really did try to be nice about it, and worded it the best way I could, but When I told her things did not go over well. She cried and cussed both me and my Fiance out via text. She wouldn’t even talk to him for a couple of days and told him that she wasn’t even coming to our wedding. But eventually things cooled off and she got MUCH better about butting in. She’s still not as bad about it, but that chapel is the one thing that I really want so I wish she’d just accept that and move on already. It’s OUR money & we can afford it. So why not?
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love her to death, but she’s already had her (two) wedding(s), netiher one of them fancy. I don’t know if she’s jealous of our wedding or if she is just a major control freak, but either way, I am getting married in that chapel unless I absolutely can’t whether she likes it or not.
Post # 14
I agree with PP.
What I ended up doing was keeping my mom and aunts out of my planning. I had to do it for me emotional sake. All they did was make me cry and hate all my ideas. I signed contracts without them knowing and kept my answers at “I alraedy did that” thank you.
Since you are paying, you have the leverage. You can call the gf and tell her your Mother-In-Law was wrong and you have chosen another flowergirl.
That dress she bough you can donate it to the thrift store and buy the one you want.
You do not have to answer her calls. You can even be gracious and give her 5-10 peole she can invite to the wedding. Anyone else she will have to cough up the money.
Post # 15
At some point in every young couple’s life, they have to decide to stand on their own two ( or four) feet.
People can only do to you what you let them. “Thanks for the input Future Mother-In-Law. I have a different vision” or ” I will let you know our decision”.
She needs to learn that you are a couple and that you are capable of making your own decisions. If not, this could be a lifelong pattern.
Post # 16
I’d just like to say that Darling Husband and I were telling a lot of people that our wedding was going to be on December 10, then we changed it to the 3rd so we could use the venue we wanted. No. Big. Deal. They got the invite with the right date on it and made the decision to come or not after that.
Put your foot down. Do it the way you and your Fiance want. Take other’s opinions (including your FMIL’s) into account, but in the end, the decision’s of how the wedding will be is yours and your FI’s to make.