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I think saying passed away is a much more delicate way of putting it then saying "he died." Earlier this year me ex/daughter's dad passed away and the letter I got from the state notifying me said "John Smith is dead. Your case is now closed." I thought those words sounded so harsh.
Delicacy is all very well, but it seems ludicrous to say that someone who died in a violent manner has "passed away".
Usually I will say "passed away." I feel it's more respectful and helps to shift the focus a bit to the deceased's life rather than their (sometimes gruesome) death.
@Aure: How does it shift the focus to their life?
@SpecialSundae: It implies that they've "passed" through the stages of life and death, rather than just being dead.
In the situation where children or sensitive people are around, I will say "passed away" so as not to scare them. Otherwise I usually use the word "died" as well.
@Aure: That is an interesting way to look at it. I've never thought of that.
@SpecialSundae: Noticed how I prefaced my first comment with "I feel." I explained because you asked.
I prefer passed away also. I sometimes say "died", but not nearly as often as "passed away". I think it is a much more gentle way of speaking about death with somebody who is grieving. For me, it has nothing to do with the manner in which somebody died.
It totally depends on who I'm around. With close friends, I just say someone died. I'm comfortable with death and most of my friends know that (comfortable meaning I'm not afraid of it, it is what it is) With people I don't know well, I say "passed away" since you never know how comfortable others are with the topic.
@Aure: Sorry, I've just never seen that as the reasoning.
@Aure: I agree.
If I'm speaking about a human being's death, I almost always say "passed away." I might say "my mom's cat died" though.
I do get that it's a little weird in reference to a violent death, but... I agree with Aure, it's still more respectful to put it in those terms.
@SpecialSundae: I'm with you on the "he passed away today in a gigantic fireball" aspect. I think "died" makes more sense in that statement.
My dad died last year and that's the way I say it... it doesn't convey disrespect, to me. I feel a bit silly saying he passed away. Maybe some of my perspective is from still dealing with the loss.
I try to be aware of other people's sensiblities and use the terms they're comfortable with for their loved ones.
I use both "passed away" and "died". I just tend to go with whichever feels most right in the moment.
For someone like Dan Wheldon, I would say "Dan Wheldon was killed ...." (which - wow, what a horrific accident!).
@Mrs.KMM: It was horrendous watching it over and over and over again on Monday. We have to watch the running news at work as it's a news-related office.
@Mrs.KMM: Yeah, super good point. I've changed my mind -- I would also say "killed" for something like that. I say that my friend was killed in a car accident, for example. Much more appropriate than "passed away" or even "died."
I think part of it is that euphemisms for death automatically make me think of the Monty Python "Dead Parrot" sketch.
"Passed away" or "died" for what I would consider peaceful deaths, "was killed" for less pleasant ones, and "kicked the bucket" if the person was doing something stupid that got them killed (see the Darwin Awards).
I always say passed away. I really feel like a person who dies has passed away, not necessarily "dead", because of my personal beliefs. So for me it is much more appropriate to say.
I pretty much always say that someone has died. Maybe it's because I don't have any serious fear of death.
Unlike some of the other bees, I would ESPECIALLY say "died" to a child. I think that being gentle but honest with children about death helps them to understand that death is a natural thing, that it's just the last part of someone's life, and that it's OK to feel sad. It also helps them to understand what has really happened, as "passed away" might give a child the idea that the deceased isn't actually gone.
@SpecialSundae: Me too! Saw the topic (before I read the thread) and immediately thought, "Pining for the fjords...".
@sarasouth: I'm with you on this one! People try to soften the blow when talking to kids, but research shows it's actually really important that we use the literal terms with them. Children can become more afraid with terms like "pass away" or "went to sleep" because they can't conceptualize what those phrases mean and imagine the worst. Of course, each family has their own way of teaching their children about death and I fully respect that. Every family has different needs.
@linguo42: "Passed away" or "died" for what I would consider peaceful deaths, "was killed" for less pleasant ones, and "kicked the bucket" if the person was doing something stupid that got them killed (see the Darwin Awards).
Agreed. But in case of people being willfully reckless and doing stupid things to cause their own death, I'll typically pre-face it with "dumbass". I'm pretty comfortable with death talk in general.
@sarasouth: ITA with you on this. I don't believe in "sheilding" kids from the unpleasantries of life. They can handle it.
as of late: "not going to make it" or "didn't make it" "isn't with us" "not here anymore" are phrases I generally use.
@bklynbridetobe: in case of people being willfully reckless and doing stupid things to cause their own death, I'll typically pre-face it with "dumbass". I'm pretty comfortable with death talk in general.
Ditto, DH and I are the same way.
@sarasouth: I totally agree.
I learned in a class about death and dying that saying things like "went to sleep" can cause bedtime issues for children -- making them afraid to go to sleep sometimes because they think they might never wake up.
I try to always use "dead, died" in the gentlest way possible. I also think death is nothing to be afraid of. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to avoid dying, but we all eventually die, so what's the point in being terrified of it?
I can understand your argument about saying "passed away" to refer to someone who died a violent death.
As someone who has lost my father suddenly when I was 15 then my BIL suddenly less than a year ago saying "passed away" is a lot more respectful in my opinion. I will NEVER go up to someone who has just lost someone very close to them and say I am so sorry "so and so" died.
I sincerely hope none of you ever have to deal with the loss of losing someone so close to you. You can understand then why passed away is a lot more gentle then died. Died is so final and sometimes some people are just NOT ready to deal with that yet.
Theorizing and conceptualizing is all fine and good.
Try saying DIED to a mother just days after she lost her 35 year old son suddenly.
I usually use "died" or "was killed"; I tend to use "was killed" when it was a violent death like a car wreck.
I tend use "passed away" when referring to when the person died, rather than the death itself. Example: My grandad passed away when I was in the 2nd grade.
I don't have kids yet, but I think I will use "died" around them. Perhaps just because I grew up on a farm so I knew what death was. And because I don't want to confuse them, if they think "pass" means "not coming back", they could get scared if someone uses that word. I remember when I was 4-H dog project as a kid, there was a lot of talk about how to tell kids the dog was being euthanized. They prefered "put to death" rather than "put to sleep" because the theory was kids could get scared of either going to sleep at night or if the kid or family member had to have surgery "going to sleep" they may think they are being killed like the dog was.
@abbyful: that's interesting, about not confusing the kids!
I think the funniest way of referring to death I've ever heard, was "expired". of course it's not funny when things die, but "expired" is just so... canned goods. makes me think of us as all these products sitting in an aisle, with expiry dates pre-stamped onto us, only we can't see it.
@patchy - We were buying mousetraps a few years ago and the "humane" live traps had a warning that the mouse would "expire" if left too long, LOL. We still laugh about it!
@Regberadaisy - I'd say "I'm so sorry for your loss" but it is often equally inappropriate to say "passed away" if a child has died.
A close friend of my family's 15 year old son died after years of struggles with a plethora of ailments and to imply that he passed away gently ignores how hard he fought.
Death is final. Even if you believe in an afterlife, a life is over.
I sincerely hope none of you ever have to deal with the loss of losing someone so close to you. You can understand then why passed away is a lot more gentle then died.
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I was watching the news a lot on Monday with the loop on Dan Wheldon's death coming up a lot and I was slightly horrified that they referred to him as having "passed away". How can you say that someone "passed away" in a fireball? He died.
I can understand using "passed away" if someone died in their sleep, but generally I'll say "died" unless talking to small children (or taking the p***).
How do you refer to death?