Death in the family – Conflicted about what I should do

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@CarolinaCola:  I would attend.

A funeral is a place to put aside your differences in your grief. (EDIT: I’ve been to a few funerals where divorced husband and wife have been present, and it’s never been a problem. If divorced spouses can do it, unfriendly cousins can).

Offer your condolences to R and her mother, give them a hug, and move on to comforting other people the funeral.

Try to not talk to them long enough for the subject of your wedding to come up. But in the unlikely event that they ask if they’re invited, simply say something like “no, sorry”.

Post # 4
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would go to pay your respects especially as you were close growing up. Don’t let pettyness get in the way. Just keep yourself to yourself, quietly attend and leave peacefully straight after.

Post # 6
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I would attend the funeral, but either don’t attend or avoid them at any social events around the funeral. My grandmother’s church honored her several years after she died and I attended but barely spoke to my aunt and uncle. I was there for my grandmother, not for them.

Post # 7
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. 

Your situation IS difficult but I believe it’s important you go to the funeral. It’s not really so much for the person who died but more of a chance for people who loved him to say goodbye one last time and show support to those closest to him. Like you said yourself, you’d have a hard time forgiving yourself if you didn’t go. 

I think it’s best you go to the funeral and are cordial to your aunt and cousin R but decline to talk about your wedding out of respect for your deceased cousin A – a funeral is hardly the time and the place to talk about a wedding. State that as your reason – I don’t know anyone who could argue with that, much less if they’re the mother and sister of the deceased. 

Post # 8
Member
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@CarolinaCola:  I would go and be cordial but not overly friendly. If you haven’t spoken to them in so long they probably know they aren’t invited to your wedding and won’t ask. If they do just say no and move on. Good luck and sorry for your loss.

Post # 9
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@CarolinaCola:  I definitely think you should go.  I understand the wanting to avoid the awkwardness with your cousin and aunt…but I think going to respect him is the most important thing.  But aside all other feelings even if just for that hour (or however long).  You are there for him..not for your other cousin or aunt or other relatives.  You don’t need to go out of your way to be friendly, but you even said you would never be able to forgive yourself if you didn’t go.  So go to pay your respects and then leave.

Post # 10
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

You should definitely go to the funeral, especially since you feel like you might not forgive yourself if you didn’t. Your aunt just lost her son; she’s probably not going have time to wonder about your wedding. Same for R having lost her brother. Funerals of friends and family are something that you should pretty much always go to unless there’s some obstacle preventing you from going. It’s about coming together in grief and gaining some closure.

Post # 11
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You’ll forever regret not attending if you don’t go pay your respects to the cousin you love. You don’t need to talk to your aunt or cousin if you don’t want to, just keep it civil if it happens, and go be there for the other family members who would like to see you.

Post # 12
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Being a grown-up means doing things you don’t want to do. I would go, you’ll regret it if you don’t. Just make a big circle around them, hang close with mom and/or fiance, and do what you need to do to make peace with the passing. Sorry for your loss; what a terrible tragedy!

Post # 13
Member
7282 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s about paying your respects and putting aside any conflicts that really don’t matter at this moment. But civil and move on from there. I’m sorry for your loss. 

Post # 13
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m sorry for your loss.

 

Go to the funeral. This isn’t about your aunt or cousin R, its about cousin A. This is your last chance to say goodbye and judging from the sutuation, you’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t go.

 

If your wedding is mentioned simply say that this is not the time or place to discuss it, which it isn’t, and move on.

Post # 14
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I am sorry for your loss.  I know the passing of someone you haven’t spoken to for a long time but was once very close to can be difficult.

I would find out what the plans are for the funeral before committing to going.  If there will be a large memorial, then a private cremation/burial for immediate family only, I would go to the memorial.  If they were having a large funeral and a wake/memorial, I would only go to the funeral and then quietly slip out.  I’m sure the cousin and Aunt will be more aware of their grief than worrying about pettyness (I hope)

Also if he was taken quite young, and since it was so sudden, there will more often than not be a very large attendance, so you may be able to avoid them all together.

Again, my condolences.

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