Post # 1
I am at my families home with my SO. He informs me that his family is going to Florida and he wants me to go. The problem is, they are going on my deceased brothers birthday.
For the last four years I break down this weekend which leads to migraines and misery. I told him I am not going.
He says that I should come and he didn’t know when he said ok to this date. Thing is, the week before I had told him March was out for a proposal because that months hard for me and belongs to my brother. Hence our Feb. timeline.
I am wondering if I should go or not, and if so how you think I would be able to get through it while completely depressed. OR should he change the date of his trip (his arents will be there for a month, his sister will be there the one weekend)
Post # 3
I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s important that you *try* to find a way to live and experience joy (through the tears) especially during the month when your brother died. I don’t know the circumstances of his death, but I imagine he would want you to live and enjoy life, not dedicate a month out of the year to suffering. I do know it’s very hard. I think you have to try to move forward, taking baby steps if necessary.
Post # 4
I don’t completely understand where you are coming from but I sort of do…. I lost my dad when I was 12- It was unexpected and it really turned my family upside down. For years, I actually cut that day out of every calendar I had to pretend it didn’t exist. Unfortunately, it is exactly two weeks after my birthday, two days after my twin nephews birthday etc. so it is really unavoidable. I even used to take off work that day so I could be by myself and grieve…. That is, until I realized taking the day off to think about the worst day of my life really didn’t make sense for me anymore. I will never forget my dad, I actually was just thinking about the accident when I woke up this morning for some reason and got a little upset… But you can’t let a day stop you from living. I remember and miss my father every single day of the year and I know he would yell at my for stopping my life because of the day he left us. In more recent years, I’ve been on vacation with FH and his family on that day, worked, etc. because he wouldn’t want me to be extra miserable and alone, he would want me to remember him and live for him. My dad was the most adventurous awesome guy- he swam with sharks (that was an addicent, it was whales until the shark came up behind him, all on video may I add) he went all over the world hunting and fishing, he really lived life the 42 years he was here. He would want me to do the same, especially in honor of him the day he stopped. I hope that helps. I wish I could hug you! Ultimately it is up to you, whatever you feel comfortable with.
Post # 5
I think it’s your choice on whether or not you want to go. Only you can make that call. Do you need/want your FI to stay with you that weekend – is that why you’d want him to change the date? I’d personally probably just tell him to go have fun and have the weekend to myself. But, everyone’s different when it comes to grieving and remembering loved ones.
Post # 6
@Jijitattoo: I agree with this, and I really think you should go. Think of it as a celebration of your brother. I think this could be a really good step towards healing for you, and a good way to remember your brother. <3
Post # 7
@Jijitattoo: It is actually his birthday weekend, I do much better with the month he died (mostly because I block it out). It is harder because it’s a day we always celebrated and now it just reminds me that he isnt here.
@Ms.Sugarsnap: I get trying to ignore the day someone special dies, I don’t take off work but my personality changes palpably. Luckily I’m in education so the summers aren’t when I need to be in front of people. As for the trip I think that part of it is I’d just told him the week before not to plan anything out of the ordinary in March. I never know exactly how I’ll react, but if I get too sad (about anything) it triggers a migraine so I probably wouldn’t be fun even if I do go. Unless I learn coping mechanisms really fast.
I do think it is lovely you SO spend the hard times with you. It is nice to have those you care about around. I literally am always alone because my family lives in a different state.
@MrsWBS: Yea, last year we’d just started dating so I didn’t want him there. Now he’s my best friend and I do want him there. I am just not sure if i can ask that. or how to ask it.
@vorpalette: I hope I get to the point where his birthday makes me happy again but as it stands even if I start laughing about a funny memory on that day I just end up crying. I was hoping he’d be around for a low key day of movies and cuddling but I guess I’ll be alone again.
Idk, this whole situation is really upsetting. I guess you get used to your SO supporting you. I ALWAYS support him, whether it is easy or not or whether I want to or not. I guess it was presumptuous to think he would also always do the same. It all just makes me want to cry this morning (though I am premenstrual and I cried because there was no chilled coke this morning).
Post # 8
@subtlebee: Well in that case, then yes go ahead and ask him to stay with you. You guys should be able to talk to each other about anything, including this and he should be willing to be there for you. While I think it may be good for you to try living normally that weekend, everyone grieves at their own pace. It took many many years for me to be able to live life normally during the anniversary of my best friends death. You will get there. But, in the meantime, don’t be afriad to ask for the support you need from your family, friends, and SO.
Post # 9
I think you should try to continue on with life and go. His birthday should not be a show stopper. I lost my sister 11 years ago. Her birthday sometimes falls on Thanksgiving. (It was yesterday). That’s a tough day to be thankful when its so obvious someone that should be there isnt. But I focus on who is there, and we celebrate what we still have. I know it’s especially hard on a special day like a birthday, but any day is hard. It happens a lot less now, but on any day, thinking about it and reliving it can have be bursting out in tears. My sister passed away right around finals my senior year, my parents still made me go to class 2 days later and finish up tests. You must try to continue on, face the pain whereever you need to be at the moment and learn to grieve whereever you may be. Dont let one tradgedy lead to more and stop life as you should be living it.
Post # 10
I spoke to him about it and let him know that I would prefer he stay and go on one of the three other weekends his parents will have the house rented. He said he would think about it, talk to his sister (who is the reason he chose that day) etc. If he won’t change, I will be upset but nothing I can do about it. Well just have to see how it pans out at this point.
Thanks for the advice ladies! Hopefully one day this will not be such an issue. I wish my emotions didnt cause such a visceral physical response!
Post # 11
I am very sorry for your loss, however I don’t think you should make SO miss spending time with his sister and family and act like he doesn’t support you. Your statement “I ALWAYS support him, whether it is easy or not or whether I want to or not. I guess it was presumptuous to think he would also always do the same.” I don’t think him wanting to spend time with his family is not supporting you. I understand this is a hard time for you but I think you are being a bit harsh with him. If you want to stay home then you should, but you shouldn’t expect him to miss his family time to watch movies.
@pinkshoes said a lot of great things and I’m with her that “Dont let one tradgedy lead to more and stop life as you should be living it.” You need to live your life. I understand grief, I’ve lived it, I think if you are getting upset about SO not spending the weekend with you and this might effect your relationship in the long run (he might stay with you but resent it because he wants to be with his family…also does that mean he will have to stay with you every weekend on this date?) then you should speak with a grief counselor on how you can start to heal from your loss.
Best of luck and again I’m sorry for your loss.
Post # 12
My Brother passed away 3 years agto. I understand how it can be difficult to deal on on that day.
But I would still go…
My brother hated seeing me upset. he wouldn’t want me to be upset, especially over him.
Post # 13
That is tough! It really depends on YOUR emotional state and well being. If I was having a hard time like that I certainly wouldn’t want to put myself in a situation where I cannot have a private emotional breakdown, which is totally understandable in your case! I think your SO (still dont know what this acronym means) should be sensitive to your situation, if he really has the entire month of weekends to chose from why wouldn’t he just change the date for you?