(Closed) Decided NOT to have Children

posted 8 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I totally agree, its so frustrating that people feel the need to damn you for your choice to not have children.  Its not their life, yet they feel like they need to live it for you.  Luckily, we don’t have many people like that in our life.  We are still on the fence, and if we do decide to have kids, it won’t be for a quite a while. 

Post # 4
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Aw. I’m sorry. ๐Ÿ™

I hate it when people are like that. Having or not having kids is absolutely a personal decision. Many people choose not to for a variety of reasons. We should respect that!

Post # 5
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think that one person should not tell another person that they should have kids or not.  It is you & your STBH choice.  I have one aunt who got married in her 20’s & made that same choice.  She never had children & she doesn’t regret it one bit.  Now you may find women, like another aunt of mine who doesn’t have kids because her husband didn’t want them.  She regrets it big time.  They got a divorce & he married someone younger & they had a child.  By that time, it was too late for her to have children, so she feels like she was cheated.  So it is a personal decision & if you are happy with that choice, then don’t worry about what other people say!  And by the way, CONGRATS on the wedding this weekend!

Post # 6
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

remember what miss manners suggests for people like Miss Nosey – just ask them “Why do you ask?” – if they have to explain why they want the details of your reproductive system, that’s their issue. And you can just walk away!

Post # 7
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Not everyone wants or should have kids. My mom said no to a proposal because he didn’t want kids and it could just as easily work the other way around. However, are you really okay with sacrificing kids because he doesn’t want them?

Besides that- just tell people to back off. You can even joke and say the Duggars are uping the kid quotient so I think we are okay!

Post # 8
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Geez.  You know there are actually studies out there that say that children decrease couple’s happiness?  The happiness level comes back only after the kids leave… ๐Ÿ™‚

I wish it was standard that unless you really really want kids you don’t have them.  No more of this idiotic “it’s just what one does” thing.  That’s how you end up with neglected children that are then blamed by parents for ruining the parent’s lives.  ๐Ÿ™

Post # 9
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t have kids, but do want them, but I completely understand where you’re coming from. Right now, I’m 29 and my husband is 30, and I hear from my mother every single day about when we’re having kids. We’re just not ready. I’m not saying that we couldn’t afford a child right now or that we wouldn’t be able to take care of one should something happen, but we just don’t want to give up our freedom just yet.

We want to be sure that we get the travel and the fun out of our system before we have a child. It’s a huge responsibility, and we don’t want to be the people who hand their kid off to someone else while we head out and have our fun. We’ll get it over with now, and then settle down more once we’re ready.

I think it’s great that you guys made a decision and are sticking with it. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. Let Miss Nosey know that you’re not having kids, and it’s not up for debate. Your decision is made. Being blunt will hopefully shut her up!

Post # 10
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We are not having kids either. Our age difference is less than yours, but that did not affect our decision, we just both never wanted them!

My family still thinks I will change my mind, and instead of arguing I just say “anything is possible”. If you are asked by people who have no business knowing you can always say generic stuff like “when we are ready” (which is not a lie – you just may never be ready! ๐Ÿ™‚

As long as you are content with your decision it really does not matter how many people nag, question, and badger you. Just remain calm and happy and let it all slide off!

Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

This is something my husband & I go through all the time and we’ve only been married 6 months!

We are close in age, but made the decision years ago that neither one of us wants children. Everyone says “yeah, thats what I said” and “you’ll change your mind” which I find annoying, but whatever, they will see!

One thing that I say that tends to shut those prying people up is that ” Not everyone is cut out to have kids & that husband and I have made the decision that we arn’t cut out to be parents” most people agree with that statement (esp if they already have kids) and instead will commend me on being responsible.

Post # 12
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

That is definitely a personal issue and only your decision to make – society has no set rules or requirements for married couples to bear children.

I can’t believe how brass she was in asking about it, that is definitely none of her business. She should have dropped the subject as soon as you informed her of your decision.

 

 

Post # 13
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow, Miss Nosy is _really_ nosy!  With that kind of person, I wouldn’t have answered the kid question in the first place, I’d say something like “you’ll be the first to know” or “whoa, we’re still planning the wedding”.  But with the everyone has kids line, I would respond “well I always wanted to be unique!”  Another possibility is to tell her that no, not everyone does have kids after they get married, and if she keeps saying that she’s going to hurt someone’s feelings.  She’s just lucky that you’re so good-natured!  In general, I would cut short the conversations as soon as they get started – for most acquaintances, it’s just casual conversation, so “we’ll see” or “I don’t know yet” and change of subject will prevent their stupidity better than “we don’t want kids and here’s why” and it’s not like it’s their business anyway, right?  And then ask them about their own kids or kid-plans – who doesn’t like talking about themselves!  Finally, for the going-to-hell folks, let God deal with them.  “Kids will happen when He decides it” or something similar, and then let them think whatever they want. 

Post # 15
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have two lines I use for people like Miss Nosy, depending on my mood:

“I hate kids.” Which is true… well, maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but I really don’t care for kids, and that’s my main motivation for not wanting them.

“I have a medical issue that would make preganancy and childbirth very difficult and dangerous for me.” That one usually shuts them up, as they feel like idiots for making you bring up something painful, but some relentless people will then ask about adoption or being a foster parent. *headdesk*

Those who know my fiance generally don’t ask, as there’s a 24-year age difference between us. He’s divorced and has adult children… so he’s pretty much done being a parent. (It was an issue we discussed for about 5 seconds; when I told him I don’t care for kids, he said something along the lines of, “Oh good, because I’ve already been there, done that.” LOL)

 

You could always call her on it, too: “WOW, that was a really rude question/statement! Thanks for your concern!”

Post # 16
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am extremely supportive in ppl choosing not to have children and think its better not to when you recognize that bc some ppl just dont need kids. But to be honest, I think your reasonings are kinda selfish. Sorry, just being honest! You want kinds but would rather be able to take vacays and he doesnt want them so thats it? Please dont rule it out just yet! Being 22, you have plenty of time to decide but please dont you or your FI take any measures to permanently make sure you can never have children. What if one day yall decided to but bc of a vasectomy or something you couldnt have them naturally?

Just dont rule it completely out. Get married, enjoy your hubby, and keep an open mind.

I’m sorry that lady was so rude to you, it really is none of anyone’s business and I hope you dont think I was being a b***h in what I said, I didnt mean to be. I understand the personal choice not to and the medical reasons, I mean thats fine and plus, theres so many other options for having children (ie adoption) but I just didnt understand your other reasonings. I would say ignore ppl like that and just dont answer them!

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