Post # 1
After freaking out over some of the problems we have been having I told FI that when we went to get married I didnt want to make it legal. He like most men said that he wouldn’t stand in front of his friends and just got thru the motions of a fake ceromony so as of now the wedding is off. The reason I made this choice comes from the fact that I draw SS from my late husband. He has no had a job even though I have asked him in the last few month he needs to get one to help out. I told him that I felt that we needed to wait to get married since we have no income or money left after going to HI since I paid for everybody to go and all the deposits etc. PLus during this time I bought a house and I put it in both our names because we were going to get married…well when I realized that I wanted to wait I asked him to put the house back in my name…this casued all sorts of drama with him almost not doing it. He feels as if I’ve taken the house from him and stolen this dream away from him, that I’m about to kick him out and leave him, which I’m not. Basically a very messed up situation. If it were just me I would marry him and say just get a job suck it up and I’d be oki but I have kids. It not fair to take away a large amount of money from the household without any real way of putting it back into it. I;ve asked him that. I knwo he will work..he always has..but my job skills in no way would make up for the loss of income while he was working his way up to a good paying job. I feel and told him that we that we should wait till he has a good paying job that can suppost the family with insurance..and me too, with money in the bank and than we should make it legal. Many families now days dont make it legal for many reasons so that their family gets ahead in life. His big thing is that his last name is more important than anything but I disagree. I just wonder what the Bee’s think on this ???
Post # 3
Here are my two cents:
In this economy, you CANNOT give up that money right now… for the sake of both you and your kids well-being. They (nor you) do not deserve to suffer financially because your man wants you to have his last name. That is not a good enough reason in my opinion. Food on the table and a warm house are more imporant than a legal marriage!!
If he wants to “man up”, get a good paying job, and take care of you and your children, then (and only then) should you consider getting married to him.
If he is not willing to do that for you, I would seriously start to re-think the relationship. Obviously, his priorities are not in the right place!
Just remember that you and your kids are #1!
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!!!!
Post # 4
Wow thats a toughy! I honestly would marry him unconditionally, even if it takes working more or harder, thats what a marriage is about, working together to make ends meet not security. On another note, you do have kids and its hard to raise them with little money but when you marry your FI, he is responsible for them as well. Is it worth losing your FI over money? Not saying you are money greedy or anything like that in case you are misinterpreting, just saying that I have 2 daughters, one from a past relationship and the baby with FI. Since being with him for 4 years i’ve had to struggle working longer hours and a second job because he kept getting laid off at every job he had but we still stuck together, didnt have much but now that he does have a great paying job and I can actually stay home with the baby, we look back and see why we have come so far and always have each others back
Post # 5
I think you did the right thing.
If he’s not able to contribute to your family unit before marriage, why would he change after the wedding? His life seems pretty good right now with you paying for everything, putting your house on his name… he doesn’t seem to appreciate that you’ve been unbelievably generous to him.
The bottom line is, ater marriage, if nothing changes, would you stay with him for your entire life? People can change, but only if THEY want to. You should only get married with someone that you can see spending your life with AS IS – not “as you’d like him to be later”.
I really, really think that you did the right thing and wish that this will be an eye-opener for him. I hope he’ll get his act together and start contributing in a consistent way so you can trust that he’ll be there for you just as you’ve been for him.
Post # 6
Is the only reason you’re calling off the wedding due to money? Or is there any other underlying issues?
Post # 7
You have kids. You have to do what is in their best interest. I agree with you, you can’t lose the money you are bringing in from SS and have no means to replace it. Losing that is lost income and therefore going to be a struggle. Since 75% of marriages end in divorce BECAUSE OF MONEY, I wouldn’t want to play those odds and lose income. Making ends meet will only be harder.
Best of luck!!
Post # 8
You did the right thing. Reading your other posts was very disturbing to me, and the developments in this one didn’t make me feel better. He seems completely unwilling to do what he needs to do to prove that he’s willing to contribute to your family and to your children’s well-being. It is important within a relationship to feel safe, it is important to feel respected, and it is important to feel like partners. There is nothing about his behavior that was making you feel any of those things. It sounds to me like he was taking advantage of you, putting your children’s financial security at risk, and letting you do all the work without making any kind of effort at all. That is not a respectful partnership, nor does it sound like it gave you any confidence in his ability to care for you and your children. You do not NEED someone to take care of you and your children–obviously you are quite capable of doing that on your own. But if you are going to be in a committed relationship, that person needs to be just as committed to ensuring their and your well-being as he is to ensuring his own. He did not seem to be. And that alone is enough to make me certain that calling off your wedding was the right decision. If you add that to the fact that even talking to him about this did not make him realize what he might lose and work to keep it–very discouraging sign. You’re not asking him to go out and become wildly successful overnight….you’re asking him to try, to make an effort, to take whatever job he needs to take to contribute to the household, and make up for the income you will lose from SS. And he just. won’t. That’s selfish, and there’s no room for that in a marriage. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I admire you for being so strong–for yourself and for your children. (((HUGS)))
Post # 9
He seems very cavelier about your financial security and the kids and that’s a big concern. However, I think putting the house in his name and then asking him to change it back was not a good move. I’d be extremly pissed at something like that, it’s like if he proposed and then took it back… how can you trust someone again when they show they will change their mind on trusting you?
Obsession over his name is sexist and childish.
What is your financial situation like? Do you have savings? Does your job pay well? Did his previous jobs pay well? How old are the kids? I think all of these are factors in whether or not it makes sense to make it legal. However I too would not be comfortable having a commitment ceremony without making it legal. But it doesn’t have to be a problem – you can live together, completely committed to each other for a couple of years and then make it legal – it won’t diminish your relationship. The hard part is being on the same page with each other.
Post # 10
Coming from someone who knows a good amount of people who are married but not on paper I see no problems with not doing the legal part. The taking of name. To me, really it’s just a piece of paper. The standing up in front of family and friends and the celebration are more important to me.
That said. From your post I think there’s more going on than just you taking/or not taking his name. I mean if it’s really just because of him not having a job and not being able to contribute financially why did you take his name off the house? Having his name on the house doesn’t add or take away financial strain? Or, is he doing financially so bad that you fear bankruptcy is in the future and you fear losing your house if that happens and his name is on the deed?
I think there’s more going on and that being said especially with kids in the picture I think it’s wise that you guys are pushing the wedding.
Post # 11
I dont’ know if you can do this, but if it really is a “name” thing, can’t you just change your name to match his last night without getting married?
Post # 12
I guess I can totally understand why you had to call it quits. At first when I read i was like ” no i would still marry even if he is poor” but then i really had to think…this guy isnt the biological father, hes putting no effort into the family and above all, your children need a stable environment.
Take this from a person who grew up with a mother who would put her boyfriends over her children. Its not worth it. I always promised that NO man would come between me and my children and what is best for them. Sure you love the guy, but you most definatly did the right thing.
Post # 13
My kids are very very young, I’m young and I’ve only draw the SS for a short short time. We have only been together less than a year. I would change my name legally to his if I can keep my SS benifits I have no problems with that.
Post # 14
I do not want him to leave, he loves the kids, I love him but I am thinking the long term future here for me and the boys if this goes wrong..
Post # 15
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure it must be so, so hard on you. But you shouldn’t be marrying him if you’re not 100% confident that you two will be committed and work well and hard together at your relationship to make it last for life.
Post # 16
Hmm.. I’m trying really hard not to get judgy here. I don’t know your situation and I’m assuming you two are genuinely in love. But it still sounds like he’s benefiting a lot financially from the marriage, and you are taking on another mouth to feed. You are the one with kids to take care of and the one with the money. Was his plan always to not work and collect the SS $ from your late husband? I mean, I think that is actually illegal in addition to disrespectful.
Bottom line, if you aren’t comfortable with the life you would have after it’s legal then don’t do it. You shouldn’t enter into a situation that makes you feel unsafe (financially) and he shouldn’t insist that you do it.