Deciding when to go.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3659 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh, sweetie. This has been going on for so long — I’d leave now. Don’t be miserable for any longer than you have to be.

Post # 4
7025 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@figgnewton:  I’m gonna say it anyway: I remember stuff from when I was 3 but only barely. I have only the haziest memory of my 3rd birthday party. I was talking once to my older daughter about her 3rd birthday party, she knew almost nothing about it and was surprised to see which friends were in the photos. Leaving won’t ruin her 3rd birthday.

There will never be an ideal time – leave ASAP.

Post # 5
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you need and want out, get out.  Your daughter may or may not remember, but honestly…the when doesn’t matter as much for that.  She’ll remember that 2013/2014 was the year her parents split up, if she remembers.   

Post # 6
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have to be honest that I don’t remember things from 3 but I can acknowledge that if something was particularly traumatic a child may remember that event, even if very young. Having said that, kids also pick up on underlying tension and issues so I think even if you were still together for her birthday most kids would pick up if there are problems, if Mum is feeling sad etc etc? Having grown up in a rather tense household at times, parents always teetering on the edge of a verbal blow up etc. this has impacted me the most (not saying this is the case in your situation, I don’t know your specifics 🙂 )

Post # 7
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry things have gotten this bad, but kudos to you for recognizing a bad situation and making moves to change it. Your daughter will be the better off for it, believe me. 

I think this depends a bit on the reason for the divorce (I’m assuming you’re married? I know nothing of your story). Is it that you two have grown apart, and you need to move on? Or are you fighting all the time? Is he abusive? If he’s abusive, you need to get out now, period. If you are fighting a lot, your daughter will pick up on that and will probably have a happier holiday season/birthday with mommy & daddy separated anyway. If it’s more of an amicable split, I suppose you can wait. Honestly, I applaud you for putting your daughter’s needs first, but she is much more prone at that age to pick up on any stress you are feeling than she would be to get upset over her birthday/the holidays. If things are really bad, I would actually recommend now, so that there is some stability in her life before the holidays, rather than waiting till after to separate. 

Post # 8
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@figgnewton:  An unstable marriage where kids learn to be afraid and are unable to talk to their parents about their problems because mom and dad are involved in drama is a shitty situation. Don’t wait for a strained, crappy Christmas to leave him. You’re right that kids remember/know what’s going on. They won’t be fooled by theatrics. 

It will probably be healthier for your kids to have cordial, supportive divorced parents than dysfunctional, sad married ones. 

Post # 9
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My parents split up around my b’day (late november) and the other holidays when I was 3 years old. All I remember from that time period is that it snowed around Christmas and it was my first snow (I live in Alabama, snow is a Big Deal).

In the end it’s up to you, but I don;t think that your child will resent you for going now over waiting a few months.

Post # 10
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Ok, I just read a few of your posts. Honestly? Leave him now. You have been circling around this for months. Don’t wait three more months with this asshole. January’s a long way’s away. By that time, your daughter will have adapted to the new situation. My parents were together then apart for much of my childhood, and I can hardly keep it straight in my memory. You will impact her MUCH more negatively by staying in a tense, toxic home environment. And she WILL pick up on that, no matter how much you think you’re keeping it together. Children are intuitive. Part of being a good parent is being brave enough to step into the unknown. It’s time to step. Good luck!

Post # 11
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@lookingforadvice77:  +1 I just read some of your other posts.

I’ve read enough to know that your DH seems to be having a questionable long term texting relationship with other people.

@figgnewton:  I don’t think that there is ever a right time to leave.  The only reason I can see you wanting to stay until January is if you don’t have your ducks in a row or a place to stay right now.

Honestly….the longer you wait the longer it will take you to rebuild your life and create happy, stable memories for your children.  Sure, children remember things at 3 but a child’s memory gets stronger every day and if this is the move you need to make, I think it’s probably better to do this today then doing it 3 months from now.

Also…I only read 4 posts….but have you asked your DH to go to counseling? Maybe you can get to the bottom of why your DH is into this other woman or feels the need to text all the time.

Post # 12
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@figgnewton:  If you want to leave, do it asap. The longer you wait the more you are going to question your decision. In my opinion (granted my parents are still together) I think your daughter would benefit from spending her birthday and the holidays in a happy single home rather than a married home with tension and underlying issues.

Post # 13
1372 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My mom left my dad when I was six, right around my birthday and the holidays and a bunch of other hectic times. Believe me when I say it’s not a distinct memory, or even really a memory at all. It’s just facts I know now, it didnt ruin my birthday Christmas or any if that.

You have to do what you have to do. I’m a firm believer that if you have to go, it’s even better for the kids if you do. It sucks for everyone to be in a home with a relationship that isnt working. 

Im sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s not fun and leaving really is one of the hardest things to so but it never gets easier. Not until you do it.

Good luck with everything however you choose to go about it. I hope you find some peace soon.

Post # 14
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@figgnewton:  You’re on the fence.  I have been there.  I sat on the fence for almost a year wondering if my marriage was indeed bad enough to leave or was this just a low spot.

I had a breaking point.  I remember screaming so loud in a car by myself (after something he did to me) that I actually hurt my neck (lots of other precursors like an instant stomach ache when I heard his car pull up). When my emotional and physical well being are declinging, it was time to get out.

Do you have your ducks in a row?  You cannot fathom leaving if you don’t have a plan.  Get a plan in place first, then decide or make a move.


Post # 15
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Leave as soon as is practical. Please don’t let ideas like “the holidays” keep you in this situation if you do not absolutely need to be there. Your daughter may remember that Mom and Dad split up when it was cooler weather, or maybe she won’t. But what she will know is that Mom isn’t happy. Remember, at that age kids are very self-centered. So in her little mind, she is somehow at the root of your upsetness because, well, the world is all about her. Save her and save yourself. Give yourself the opportunity to stand on your own two feet, and you will be giving her the opportunity to see just how strong her Momma can be. That is truly a gift.

Post # 16
989 posts
Busy bee

@figgnewton:  I figure – why prolong the misery? January is still 2 months away, that’s a lot of hurt feelings and resentment to build up in that time. Like you say, if you leave now, you can possibly be cordial, leave it longer and you may want to rip his face off.  As far as your daughter goes, you could always still have your husband there for her birthday, he just won’t live with you anymore. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. All that matters is deciding when YOU feel ready to leave. 

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