Declines after STD, before formal invite. I also have a B list. What do I do?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Best course of action in this situation?
    Send the invite anyway, and let them decline it. Then move to B list as planned. : (20 votes)
    51 %
    Accept their decline as is, do not send invite, move the B list to A list. : (18 votes)
    46 %
    Other option explained in comment section. : (1 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    6279 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    i would go ahead and send the invite to both the people who already told you they can’t come and i would sent to that number of people on your B list.

     

    Post # 3
    Member
    1629 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

    partyplanner83:  Circumstances change and they may be able to come after all so Ii would send invitations to the B list for half the number that already told you they cannot come in case one of the declinees changed their mind or can actually make it.

    Oh, and unless someone told me don’t send them an invitation, send it anyway. It makes people feel wanted. If you don’t you are taking the chance on hurt feelings even though they already told you no.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  laceydoilies.
    Post # 5
    Member
    455 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    partyplanner83:  Yes, you send them an invitation. You want them to know that they are still invited, in case circumstances change.

    And you do not have a B list. You decide who you want to be there and you invite them. Your wedding guests are not slots to be filled.

    Post # 6
    Member
    327 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014 - The Celebration Farm

    I’m commenting to follow. We’re planning on doing the same thing by sending out early STDs and then inviting people off our “B List” if we know somebody on the “A List” can’t come.

    Post # 7
    Member
    163 posts
    Blushing bee

    personally i think if someone has declined from a STD that far in advance then the are pretty much postive they wont be there so i wouldnt send an invite – if i had declined a STD then got an invite i would be thinkin “huh im sure i told her i couldnt go” then they have to feel awkward and tell you again

    Go with your gut 

    Post # 9
    Member
    2358 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Every person who gets an STD gets a formal invite. Just bec they let u know early doesn’t mean they dont want to see ur invitation, and they could always always always have a change in circumstances. Not sending an invite after sending an STD is essentially UN-inviting them and imo, very rude.

    Post # 10
    Member
    455 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    partyplanner83:  You posted on the etiquette board, and I gave you feedback about etiquette. You’ll have to forgive me for assuming you might want a heads-up that your plan is rude.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1498 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    partyplanner83:  I had a good friend get married the same day as another friend who’s wedding I was in.  We were hanging out one night, long before the wedding, and he said “You’re going to so-and-so’s wedding right?”  I said “Yes, I’m in it.”  He then told me their wedding was the same date.

    Obviously I couldn’t go, but they didn’t send me an invitation.  Although I know it’s silly to waste the cost and postage, I was a little bummed I didn’t get to see what their invitations looked like.  I really wanted to go to their wedding and was sad I had to miss it.

    Sort of the same situation (minus the STD part) from the other side, just for perspective.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1769 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    OP, we had a few ppl decline firmly after save the dates. We sent invites anyway, but included different RSVP info that said something like- thank you for your rsvp. If your plans change, please let us know by [date] at [website]. I might’ve also shot a personal message to some letting them know that I just wanted to send them the invite. Nobody has seemed upset by it and we didn’t list registry info in the invite at all. 

    We also invite ppl off the b list accordingly. None of the early declines have changed their RSVP to a yes. 

    we also sent invites to about 30 family members who we knew definitely wouldn’t be able to come or send a gift due to finances. I’d feel weird not sending the invite after sending a save the date because it’d seem like I was saying – okay good, so we’ll use your invite and space for someone else instead of wasting a stamp on you. You know? They’re still our fam or friends and still want to be “in the know” about our invites, etc. I don’t want to exclude them just because they’re short on cash or are pregnant or have had a baby recently. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    2642 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Definitely send an invitation anyway.  People’s plans change all the time, and even if you doubt they will change, it’s still nice to make your guests feel included and wanted.

    Also, I will caution you with B-listing.  I find they only really work if you send B-list invitations within a week or 2 of the initial invitations.  You don’t want to too long otherwise you’re guests will know that they’ve been B-listed and no one wants to feel like second choice.  

    Post # 15
    Member
    2358 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    The reason I didn’t do a B list is because I didn’t think B list ppl would have enough notice beforehand to decide if they wanted to attend if I waited for A list RSVPs to come in. Sure enough, 75% of RSVP cards never even came back to me, after pre stamping  and pre addressing. I just sent STDs to everyone I wanted to be there, and if I had only a few show, so be it. But  with fb and such, it would have been impossible to keep the B list ppl from finding out they were in fact, B list. I know u said that having a B list is not the issue, but I’m just sayin.

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