Post # 1
So, if any of you remember one of my more recent threads about wanting to stop my friend’s trainwreck of a wedding (her now husband is an alcoholic and has gotten violent/trashed her house on numerous occasions, and these are only things I have been told of, I’m sure there is more/worse). Well, I am here to tell you that less than two months after the blissful honeymoon my friend’s husband is now in rehab after getting wasted and disappearing on my friend one weekend. (OK, good for him, seriously, but achk…)
When I dropped her a line asking how she’d been, she wrote me back a note saying she feels should be able to be able to have a drink now and then, but “of course I won’t now cause obviously he’s more important” and kept saying what’s wrong with her where she ended up with someone like this “again”…also said she was embarrased and doesn’t feel like being judged. I have to say, she is a total enabler, then plays the victim when he falls off the wagon. Frustrating.
I am at my wit’s end with her… I thankfully live out of state with my FI, which is also good since her husband groped me a couple of times while drunk (this was years ago before FI and I got together). I did tell her but she laughed it off and said he thought of me as a sister. 😐
Today I told her that a friend who saw her over the weekend told me she looked sad… I told her this and she went off the rails. Attacking me and such… I said that the friend only was concerned and also said that she had no idea about the rehab.
It’s exhausting being this girl’s friend anymore… She never has anything positive to say about anything, ever, and now this. Do I stick with her, or what? She’s my best female friend and this sucks since I don’t have many..
Post # 3
If I was in your shoes, I would stop giving her advice and trying to help. It sounds rather mean, but there’a little to no sense in trying to help her when she is ignoring everything you say about him. She is an adult who is apparently making poor decisions. You’ve tried to warn her and help her, so you’ve done your job as a friend; it’s all on her now. She has more than enough information to make a choice about what she wants to do, so there’s not much left for you to say or do. In fact, she already has made her choice — she chose him and his crazy behavior.
If she stays like this, I would, at the very least, take a break from her. At most, I would just end the friendship. Again, it may seem harsh, but there aren’t many good reasons for keeping someone like that around when they cause so much stress.
Post # 4
@Rhopalocera: Exactly – I think taking a break from her now is the best idea… She married him knowing full well he had these issues. She’s such an enabler I can’t stand it, and if you try and help she blows up at you but if I ask advice, etc she is a big fan of the tough love she herself is so afraid to hear.
Post # 5
Well, the sh*t has hit the fan… She has now taken to bringing up my issues (as some of you know I have self esteem issues and issues I am currently working on with FI’s past etc.) when I tell her I am happy she has also stopped drinking. I am trying to emphasize that rather than flat out say “good for you since I always thought you had a problem too!”
She mentioned one time last time I saw her where I had one too many – said she hoped that wasn’t a regular thing. Mmm-hmm. Well, FI and I like to go out once a week but he never disappears on me or vice versa. We always end up home safely and fun is had by all.
I flat out told her thanks for her concern, but if she wants to know what concern is, how about my concern for her after knowing all of this about her then fiance then she went ahead and married him anyway. How in none of our correspondece about his rehab has she shown concern for her step children and how it’s affecting them that their dad is an alcholic. It’s all about her, or she chooses to bring something up in my life.
I don’t need this drama llama this close to my freaking wedding. UGH. /vent
Post # 6
I can relate to this. I have had to distance myself (and finally drop) a friend I have known more than half my life, because of all the chaos that comes with her. She herself has a drug/alcohol problem, gets into trouble with the law, has a boyfriend who lies and steal money from people, I could go on and on, there is a laundry list with this girl.
I was supportive as I could be until it started to really take a toll on myself. I went back and forth trying to be supportive of her, straightforward with her, and completely distance myself from her. I have had to realize that she doesn’t want to do any better for herself. I think it would of been easier on me to be straightforward with her about my feelings from the start, and just cut her off after that. I cut her off completely recently. I wish I had done it sooner. Would of saved me lots of wasted energy. If she wants to change her life some day, she has to want it for herself, and do it on her own. If she gets to that point, she will eventually realize you were just trying to be a good friend, and maybe you guys can have a healthier relationship. Good for you for expressing your concern for her. I think that is an important thing to do.
Post # 7
@mrs_pudding_pop: I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think that it would be in your best interest to distance yourself. If you want to try and save the friendship, maybe you could have a heart to heart with her to air out the issues between y’all. Only you know how that would be received.
Post # 8
Thanks gals… I hope that she realizes her life doesn’t have to be so dramatic if she only stops being a martyr. She is a negative person all around so this does not help.
I hope it all works out for her but I am not going to be a party to it anymore…
Post # 9
@mrs_pudding_pop: I think that’s the right decision.
Leave her to her drama, and you can get on with your life without all the negativity.
Post # 10
I can’t say after your initial post that I’m surprised by her reaction of throwing everything she sees wrong with you back at you. Passive-aggression seems to be her M.O. I agree with the others that not giving her any advice, not acknowledging what’s wrong with her life, etc., is the best policy – along with distancing yourself in general, of course.
If you do ever strike up your friendship again in the future, I’d practice bland responses for any of her ‘dramatic’ complaints and the like. A simple, “Hm, that’s unfortunate,” or “So sad to hear, hey, how about (blank),” should suffice. It’ll start training her to talk to you differently if she expects certain responses.
Though with someone who’s this dense and who has such low self-esteem, you’re probably better off moving on. I had ONE friend – one – and several acquaintances. I still dumped my buddy because in the end, even though I didn’t (and stole don’t) have anyone else, I was still much better off without him.