Delayed timeline after argument – advice please!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

Ahhh I don’t really have any advice.  From where Iam the ring isn’t bought until just before the proposal happens.  It’s unheard of in my area for a guy to have the ring and hide it for so long.  It sucks that the engagement is delayed because you both had a fight… I hope he can think of a new idea and get over the incident.

Hugs!

Post # 4
Member
35 posts
Newbee

@kellym83:  Honestly, I’d be really angry if I were you.

So you had a fight, big whoop. I’m sure you’ve had fights before and positive there will be more to come in engaged and married life. If one fight is rattling him so much that he doesn’t feel “comfortable” with the timeline you’ve previously agreed upon, I’d be really concerned.

If this were my SO, I’d probably sit him down and tell him exactly what I wrote above.

Post # 5
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’d be annoyed too. Is he going to pull the future out from under your feet every time you argue? Because I’m sure you will argue. Because of my past, it takes a lot for me to argue and still feel secure in a relationship, so if SO threatened to take the ring back after an arguement I would be very hurt and angry. And to me, telling how he would have proposed (but now isn’t going to) is a cruel and manipulative way of “punishing” you

Post # 6
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@keylimepie:  this exactly! I don’t get a lot of bees who have this issue- a fight happens and the timeline is pushed back. I kinda feel like you either know or don’t know if you want to marry someone, if he’s so on the fence that a fight made him unsure, then he shouldn’t have bought the ring in the first place. 

 

 

 

I don’t love the way he threw the ring at you and then wanted to rub salt in the wound by telling you how amazing his proposal WAS going to be. This guy needs to grow up. 

 

Post # 7
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Laurenplusalex:  +1 what an immature, manipulative jerk! I would be glad the proposal is delayed if threatening you is how he acts when you fight. Not okay 

DH and I got into an argument a few hours before he proposed. He said he thought about not proposing because he didn’t want the proposal to be ruined but ultimately since we made up he figured it wouldn’t overshadow the proposal. He would never postpone because he was unsure about me after a fight.

Post # 8
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

He reacted very, very terribly but I’d like to know about your discussion that prompted this mess. You don’t really say who started or said what. You just say that he has the ring in his flat (not saying for how long he has had it) and said that you guys got into an arguement last weekend. What about? The ring? Because he hans’t proposed yet?

Like I said, he reacted crappy and to make threats is NOT cool and immature, but what prompted him to react SO strongly?

Post # 9
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@kellym83:  Um, I see a bunch of red flags here.  He’s using the proposal as ammunition in a fight?  What is he going to do if you are engaged?  Threaten to break off the engagement?  Or what about when you are married?  Threaten to divorce you?  Um, I would save yourself the trouble and LEAVE HIM.

Post # 11
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@kellym83: I don’t have any issues with my boyfriend’s mom, BUT his father is another story. He’s different than your SO’s mom, but very over the top as well. He constantly makes me uncomfortable with sexual jokes (not about me, just general ones) and rude comments about other people. He’s also an incredibly selfish husband and father and not at all the kind of person I like to spend time with. His son (my boyfriend), is thankfully the total opposite – and recgonizes the things I see in his father as well. Obviously, he still loves his dad, and he’s not going anywhere, so despite how much I don’t like him on a personal level, I try and make the best of it.

 

Just remember – his mom isn’t going anywhere, and he’s obviously going to be hurt that you don’t like her or whatever. My boyfriend doesn’t really know how much I don’t like to be around his dad, because I just suck it up and deal with it, but I know in the future, it’s bound to come out. When it does, my plan is simply to express the things I don’t like about his father in the nicest way possible but also to let him know that I love his dad for raising him and for making him into the man he is. 

 

You may not love her, but she’ll be around for a long time, so make sure to let your boyfriend know that you’ll continue to make an effort with her (even if it drives you crazy).

 

I’m not saying he was right in the way he handled the aftermath of the argument, BUT it would be hard for me to marry someone who I knew didn’t like one of my parents. 

 

Post # 13
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Did either of your bring some sort of solution to the problem to the table during the argument? When FI and I argue I try to do it like this format: bring up issue and how it makes me feel, ask FI for input (how he feels, if he has a different viewpoint, etc), then we both try to come up with a solution that we both can agree on to make the situation better from both sides. Sometimes arguments kinda “sneak” up on you and suddenly pop up in what seems like a routine discussion, in which case, you need to take control and calmly ask if your SO has any suggestions on how to improve the situation, you come up with ideas too, and then compromise.

I know that doesn’t help the situation now, but it may help future arguments not devolve into emotional manipulation. I know it sounds weird, but if you take a step back and make having such discussions be more about mutually coming up with goal behavior that both parties agree on instead of just airing emotions/concerns to get it out in the open, the argument resolves much more quickly and easily with less pain.

I agree with many PPS here that because this is kinda a sensitive topic (I also would not be totally comfortable marrying someone who didn’t get along with my family, but more importantly didn’t seem to want to TRY to get along or pretend for our relationship’s sake. not saying thats what youre doing at all, but perhaps thats what he sees?). However that totally does not excuse his behavior, what he said/did was extremely cruel and ineffective; it didn’t help the situation AT ALL and it made both of you unhappy. 

At this point, I would brainstorm 1 or 2 things you could live with doing to try to improve your outlook/position/relationship with his mother, and go to your SO and tell him you came up with a few ideas to help with that particular situation (because you know it is important to him, etc etc), and does he have any other suggestions/ideas? Then you work together to come up with a compromise gameplan that you both are comfortable with. Make sure he knows that you need his input/help in this process (like dont let him brush you off saying “its your problem, not mine” or “you shouldn’t need my help” or something along those lines). 

Basically, if an argument like this was major enough in your SO’s eyes to make him question his relationship with you, I would wonder if he feels like his concerns are being addressed. Make sure you let him know that his concerns/issues are a priority for you and you are taking active steps to improve/help when you can. And maybe give him multiple chances to tell you about problems, my FI needs like 3 “Asks” before he’s all like, “well, i guess it did bother me when…”. UGH. lol

Good luck sweetie!

Post # 15
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@kellym83:  Couple of things:

1. My BF is proposing sometime in the next month…and if we had a weekend-long, knock-down-drag-out fight this weekend, I’m sure he would want to ‘get comfortable’ again before proposing. I don’t find that odd at all: a fight that intense could really rattle some people.

2. While he didn’t act perfectly, I have respect for a guy that says “I’m not sure about getting married right now”, rather than sucking up those feelings and just carrying on like he doesnt have them. The fact that he was upfront, to me, is a good sign.

3. I can understand why a fight over your feelings towards *his mother* might make him second guess things. I know a lot of women don’t love their FMILs, but the relationship between a man and his mother is really important. It probably scared him when you expressed concerns over her regular behavior.

4. I think the reason he wanted to tell you about the proposal (and hasn’t returned the ring) is that he still wants to marry you. People can have doubts throughout this process, that is totally normal.

So, all in all: it sounds like you guys had a really bad fight over someone really important to him; it made him question if you two are going to work out, and he panicked. I truly think, as long as you guys get back to normal, he’ll still propose.

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