Post # 1
I really need your advice bees. Sometime ago, my SO and I were having issues that lead to us breaking up. It was nasty… he called me all sorts of things as well as blasted me with a ton of bad words (out of character). Anyway, at that point I really didn’t want him back and was ready to break it off although we share 2 kids and were together for +5 years.
A week or so passed and he came to spend time with the kids and he ended up hanging around. I did not want to speak to him, so I called up a guy who had feelings for me to come and take me away from there. We ended up buying some sandwiches and chatting. That gave my SO a reality check. It was as if he was going crazy. He called me a million times that led to us chatting and eventually fixing all of our problems. I can honestly say that a while has passed by since that happened and our relationship is awesome!!
The problem: My SO wants me to cut off all contact with the guy who has feelings for me. I know this guy for about 15 years and he has never done anything wrong to me. I explained to the other guy that he has to drastically reduce contact with me since my SO hates him. At that point he understood. And he would send me private messages on FB if he really misses me (that is like once every other month).
Right now, he is sending me public messages on my wall and calling me in the afternoons (I believe he does it for my SO to see and get upset. The first public message I deleted but I need advice on the second.
Should I delete the messages on my wall just in case my SO sees it and gets upset or should I leave it as a sign to show that the guy is obviously starving for my attention since i’m not giving it to him?
Usually I feel comfortable bringing any topic to my SO but this one is really touchy with him. He thought that he was going to lose me to that other guy. Deleting it would prevent him from thinking back on that rough patch and leaving it would show that i was serious on working on our relationship since the other guy is craving my attention.
What to do??
Post # 3
@tiff-tiff-tiff: Sorry but I agree with your SO. If you’re in a relationship with your SO, you shouldn’t be spending time with a guy who has feelings for you. You say he has never done anything wrong to you – but it also seems these messages are intended to undermine your relationship, and that is disrespectful both to you and your SO. (So in that sense he *is* doing something wrong to you). I think you should delete the messages and block him.
If a male friend was sending messages like that to me, I’d unfriend him without hesitation.
Post # 4
Hmm that’s tough. Maybe unfriend him? It’s a tough situation since you have been close with him for so long, but I think you need to put your SO and his feelings first on this one. I’m friendly with an ex, but we maybe text a few times a year..and only write on each other’s walls on birthdays. It sounds like this other guy is TRYING to cause drama and that just doesn’t seem worth it. I’d cut him off – maybe send a message to him before you unfriend him explaining why.
Post # 5
@tiff-tiff-tiff: You advised this guy that receiving messages upsets your relationship. He doesnt respect you or he would not be doing it. I would cut contact if he couldnt respect my boundaries.
I would handle it this way. I would send a nice message to other guy telling him that due to his inability to to respect my boundaries that I could no longer continue the friendship. Then I would delete him. Then I would tell your SO “Look he was leaving messages on my wall after I clearly asked him not to, so I have deleted him. I wanted you to know so that you dont have any reason to worry.”
Post # 6
I would talk to your SO and let him know what’s going on. Don’t look like you’re hiding anything, because that can cause issues if he finds out. You need to be open and honest about what is going on. That would cause me discomfort if anyone else attempted to grab my attention that wasn’t my SO. I don’t want to give my DH the wrong idea, so I cut off all contact with those sorts of people. Their feelings aren’t worth my relationship!
Perhaps you should do the same. If you can’t absolutely cut him out of your life due to you wanting to be friends, I’d explain that to your SO.
Post # 7
If you and your SO are back together and serious, I would cut all contact with the other person out of respect.
Post # 8
Delete & unfriend. Why would you want any strain and drama in your relationship? If things with your FI are fixed, he doesn’t need a reminder that some jerk won’t leave you alone.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
Do you have feelings for the guy who has been leaving you FB wall messages?
If the answer is no, then be blunt and tell the guy that you only see him as a brother. I think he’s trying to play the friend card, hoping it would develop slowly. Don’t give him a chance nor let him believe that you are leading him on. If he still doesn’t clue it in, then delete him.
If you do like him, then, you might want to take a step back and wonder what’s best for you and your kids. You mentioned that your SO blasted you with a lot of bad words.
Nonetheless, if I was in your position, I would talk with SO first about how I feel; i.e. uncomfortable, confused; etc. Be honest with SO. I wouldn’t delete the messages though before talking to SO. I would actually read them together with SO. Hope that helps.
Post # 10
What I did was set his messages to go to the Spam folder on FB and I think he realises this. Leaving a message on my wall without (at least) making it visible to me alone is being blatantly disrespectful indeed. He wants to be seen.
I already told my SO that I do not want to unfriend him since he was like an innocent passerby. I called him to get out of the house. But my SO told me that he would not be comfortable with me being in contact with him. So I did cut out all of the casual conversations. The more recent conversations were him congratulating me on completing my degree this year and I returned it since he graduated as well (via text). I don’t answer his calls.
I very well might end up blocking him. If he finds a way around that, I’ll unfriend him.
Thanks for the advice… I’m still open to others though
Post # 11
I would delete any messages that made me uncomfortable. It sounds like they are making you uncomfortable. Also, deleting them says, “I want no part of this”. No other guy gets to have that level of familiarity with me except for FI. I do have male friends, but I keep them at arms length.
Post # 12
@Cynderbug: He gave me the bad words when we were breaking up. That was before the other guy came in the picture.
I have no feelings for him. I believe I’m now on the road to burning that bridge. I’ll let SO know what the other guy’s move is.
Post # 13
Honestly, I don’t blame the guy. You used him, and took advantage of his feelings for you to play immature games with your FI. Now that you got what you wanted, you ditch him, but allow him to secretly msg you like some kind of back up? I’d be pissed and making it known too.
Post # 14
Your SO asked you to cut off ALL contact, and I can see why.
I would cut off ALL contact (picking up for that number, answering any messages through any medium) to Mr. Used-as-competition. I would not delete any messages, public or private, from Mr. U-a-c, until after I showed SO, then I’d delete it in front of him.
FI and I have vetoed contact with a few of each other’s biggest fans, and this is what we do – in fact we take this further and show each other “anything the other person would reasonably be interested in knowing about.” We feel great about it, very together and secure. And, while there might be that shamelessly persistent girl that keeps. trying. to. add. him. on. facebook. that I get to hear about, he gets to read the occasional ardent letter confessing adoration of yours truly.
If you’re serious about your SO, it’s time to stop playing games, and start building trust.
Post # 15
I disagree with the other posters. Your SO sounds abusive and controlling. Keep your FB messages; drop the SO.
Post # 16
@Fizzy8: If you take the message at surface value without knowing the back story, it is not anything to even sneeze about. But I can see what he is trying by leaving simple messages on my wall.
I’m uncomfortable because I know my SO hates him.
This guy is not uncomfortably familiar with me… for some reason that sounds sexual.