Delete it or leave it? *sigh*

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
7055 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@tiff-tiff-tiff:  Sorry but I agree with your SO. If you’re in a relationship with your SO, you shouldn’t be spending time with a guy who has feelings for you. You say he has never done anything wrong to you – but it also seems these messages are intended to undermine your relationship, and that is disrespectful both to you and your SO. (So in that sense he *is* doing something wrong to you). I think you should delete the messages and block him.

If a male friend was sending messages like that to me, I’d unfriend him without hesitation.

Post # 4
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Hmm that’s tough. Maybe unfriend him? It’s a tough situation since you have been close with him for so long, but I think you need to put your SO and his feelings first on this one. I’m friendly with an ex, but we maybe text a few times a year..and only write on each other’s walls on birthdays. It sounds like this other guy is TRYING to cause drama and that just doesn’t seem worth it. I’d cut him off – maybe send a message to him before you unfriend him explaining why.

Post # 5
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@tiff-tiff-tiff:  You advised this guy that receiving messages upsets your relationship. He doesnt respect you or he would not be doing it. I would cut contact if he couldnt respect my boundaries.

I would handle it this way. I would send a nice message to other guy telling him that due to his inability to to respect my boundaries that I could no longer continue the friendship. Then I would delete him. Then I would tell your SO “Look he was leaving messages on my wall after I clearly asked him not to, so I have deleted him. I wanted you to know so that you dont have any reason to worry.”

Post # 6
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would talk to your SO and let him know what’s going on. Don’t look like you’re hiding anything, because that can cause issues if he finds out. You need to be open and honest about what is going on. That would cause me discomfort if anyone else attempted to grab my attention that wasn’t my SO.  I don’t want to give my DH the wrong idea, so I cut off all contact with those sorts of people. Their feelings aren’t worth my relationship! 

Perhaps you should do the same. If you can’t absolutely cut him out of your life due to you wanting to be friends, I’d explain that to your SO.

Post # 7
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

If you and your SO are back together and serious, I would cut all contact with the other person out of respect. 

Post # 8
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Delete & unfriend. Why would you want any strain and drama in your relationship? If things with your FI are fixed, he doesn’t need a reminder that some jerk won’t leave you alone. 

Post # 9
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

Do you have feelings for the guy who has been leaving you FB wall messages?

If the answer is no, then be blunt and tell the guy that you only see him as a brother. I think he’s trying to play the friend card, hoping it would develop slowly. Don’t give him a chance nor let him believe that you are leading him on. If he still doesn’t clue it in, then delete him.

If you do like him, then, you might want to take a step back and wonder what’s best for you and your kids. You mentioned that your SO blasted you with a lot of bad words.

Nonetheless, if I was in your position, I would talk with SO first about how I feel; i.e. uncomfortable, confused; etc. Be honest with SO. I wouldn’t delete the messages though before talking to SO. I would actually read them together with SO. Hope that helps.

Post # 11
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would delete any messages that made me uncomfortable. It sounds like they are making you uncomfortable. Also, deleting them says, “I want no part of this”. No other guy gets to have that level of familiarity with me except for FI. I do have male friends, but I keep them at arms length.

Post # 13
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly,  I don’t blame the guy. You used him, and took advantage of his feelings for you to play immature games with your FI. Now that you got what you wanted, you ditch him, but allow him to secretly msg you like some kind of back up? I’d be pissed and making it known too.


Post # 14
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

Your SO asked you to cut off ALL contact, and I can see why.

I would cut off ALL contact (picking up for that number, answering any messages through any medium) to Mr. Used-as-competition. I would not delete any messages, public or private, from Mr. U-a-c, until after I showed SO, then I’d delete it in front of him.

FI and I have vetoed contact with a few of each other’s biggest fans, and this is what we do – in fact we take this further and show each other “anything the other person would reasonably be interested in knowing about.” We feel great about it, very together and secure. And, while there might be that shamelessly persistent girl that keeps. trying. to. add. him. on. facebook. that I get to hear about, he gets to read the occasional ardent letter confessing adoration of yours truly.

If you’re serious about your SO, it’s time to stop playing games, and start building trust.

Post # 15
4404 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I disagree with the other posters. Your SO sounds abusive and controlling. Keep your FB messages; drop the SO.

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