Post # 1
I am engaged and ready to be wed by next year. A great and sweet friend of mine is also engaged and getting married next year. We are also each others bridesmaids. I am having some trouble with the costs of her wedding and since I’ve never been a bridesmaid before, I thought I’d ask for some varying opinions.
My friend is having a destination wedding. It is still within the country and only a couple hours flight. Recently we discussed her bachelorette party and she would like to have two. One local (a few hours driving distance with a stay in a hotel), and one all out vacation. She’d like to have two because she knows people cannot afford her dream bachelorette party of a vacation. We also talked a bit about the wedding and how she would like the bridal party to arrive on a Thursday to the site (the wedding is on a Saturday) so we can do rehearsal on Thursday.
My issue is that there is a lot of money needed for her destination wedding, two bachelorette parties and an extra day off from work for the rehearsal (i figured i would take at least friday off). Also that is an extra day of hotel for me. I don’t intend on going to both bachelorette parties. The local one will easily cost 800 a person. I know because our mutual friend had one earlier in the year n the cost was about 800. My friend now wants to do something similar for her local bachelorette party.
Perhaps I am not familiar with Thursday rehearsal dinners and maybe this is common? I am going to be getting married as well and I can’t really afford to take the extra time off as I only get 10 days a year and I am going on my own honeymoon. I don’t want to allocate 3-4 days (rehearsal and vacation bachelorette party) and only save 6 days for my own honeymoon.
My friend is nice but I don’t know how to bring it up. It seems like this is only an issue with me and not other bridesmaids since I am getting married and time and money are something I don’t have as much as I’d like to give. I feel she has this dream wedding which includes the prewedding activities and I’d be the only one bursting her bubble. I don’t know if I should just stepdown from being her bridesmaid or what.
Any advice is helpful! sorry for the long rant!
Post # 3
I think have a serious heart to heart with her. Let her know that you love her and value your friendship, but with your limited vacation time, it just isn’t feasible to get there that early. I think almost every rehearsal is missing at least one BM or groomsman (and with Friday weddings growing in popularity, this might be the reason she can’t have the rehearsal Friday evening). Just be very open about everything, and hopefully she will be understanding.
Post # 4
EIGHT. HUNDRED. DOLLARS. PER PERSON FOR HER BACHELORETTE PARTY?! What the hell would you guys be doing?!
Also, she doesn’t really get to dictate what happens at her party, since she isn’t the one planning it.
I would really sit down with her and explain that you just won’t be able to make it to some things because of the cost and time that you need for your wedding. She should understand.
Post # 5
She probably doesn’t realize that she’s asking so much, but we’ve seen situations like these blow up on the Bee. Talk to her but try to be as supportive and loving as possible.
Post # 7
Why can’t she have the rehearsal dinner on FRIDAY seeing her wedding is on Saturday? And that is way too much for a bachelorette party… please, like come on… if she wants that then she has to pay for her party to come. Ridiculous!
And yes, just because I am disgusted at the $800 price range for a bach party, I guess like other pp’s have mentioned, be nice and say it’s out of your price range becaue of the cost of the destination wedding… but inside I would be fuming!
End of rant! LOL
Post # 8
@happyface: It’s possible the venue already has another wedding booked for Friday, we had to have our rehersal dinner on a Thursday because of that. But yeah, with a destination wedding that should be a ‘if you guys can make it, understand if you can’t’ kind of thing, not just letting you know and expecting everyone to show up!
Just tell her that you’re very sorry but your work will not allow you the extra time off to be there in time for the rehersal dinner.
And how the heck is the bachelorette party costing $800 per person if it’s local?! THe BMs should be planning that, not the bride, but it seems like there’s gotta be a way to cut down on costs, I can’t imagine how it could cost that much.
Post # 9
@Wonderstruck: But I don’t understand, it’s a dinner… so it can be done at any restaurant…. and on Friday… Having an extra day and hotel to pay for is not reasonable for the bride to ask of her party.
Post # 11
@happyface: Well typically you have the rehersal dinner immediately after the rehersal, right? And if the venue has a Friday wedding they can’t have their rehersal that day.
Post # 12
Go to the rehearsal, it doesn’t matter what day it is. Thursdays are more common for Friday weddings, but whatever.
Nobody should have 2 bachelorette parties. I’d speak with her about this, and perhaps whoever is planning these parties, and let them know it isn’t realistic. If she does end up having 2 parties, you’re only obligated to attend 1. If she’s having a semi-destination wedding, then she shouldn’t ask her bridal party to have a destination bachelorette party.
I’m on your side, but if you didn’t think you could afford it, you shouldn’t have agreed to be a bridesmaid. Both of you should step down from each other’s weddings so you can concentrate on your own events, and enjoy yourselves at each other’s weddings.
Post # 13
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
WOW, why is this girl saying she wants to have two bachelorette parties?! She isn’t the one throwing them so she gets no say in it! You’re going to have to talk to her and bring her back down to earth on that part. You said not everyone can afford the ideal bachelorette party vacation…. but yet she’s still planning a bachelorette party vacation from the sounds of it!
The Thursday rehearsal also sounds like something you can talk her out of, the other bridal party members also probably don’t appreciate having to take yet ANOTHER day off for HER wedding. If the site isn’t available Friday what if she described the room and how things would work and then just practice it at another venue. People aren’t idiots, they can figure this shit out!
As for the rest, I think if she’s planning a destination wedding she should be paying for SOME part of your travel fees – flight, hotel, SOMETHING. I wouldn’t back out on being her bridesmaid, I’d just talk to her, I don’t think she understands what she’s asking of you and your financial constraints with your own wedding coming up.
Talk to her! Best of luck, OP
Post # 14
@Wonderstruck: I always forget that the rehearsal is an actual rehearsal of the wedding! oops! I never see photos of a real rehearsal. Just of the dinner…
Post # 15
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@mrslittlefish: I’ve asked someone to be my BM and I’ve been asked to be a BM, neither time did I know what it would entail past buying a dress and MAYBE a SINGLE day off of work at the time of asking. Maybe the same is true for OP.
Post # 16
You say she even herself has said she knows not everyone will be able to afford the vacation bachelorrette. So let her know you are one of the people that will not be able to afford it, and attend the local one. As for her wedding, sit down with her and talk, let her know that while you would love to come up earlier for her wedding, you just can’t afford to take the extra time off work or the extra night in a hotel, but will definitely be there for the day of and the evening before.
If she isn’t understanding then she isn’t a real friend.