Post # 1
I am serving as the maid of honor for my best friend’s wedding in June, and she’ll be the matron of honor for our wedding in December (we were actually engaged first, but we’re having a prolonged engagement). June is a pretty busy month for me and my fiance… I’m also in another wedding 2 weeks before that and my fiance is the best man in a wedding the weekend after. So, in case you couldn’t guess this, money is very tight for us right now!! Especially with us trying to save for our own wedding – and the fact that I’m a student living off of student loans.
I was delighted to be privedledged to stand beside my best friend as she says her wedding vows… but I had NO idea she was going to be so demanding (money-wise) when it came to her bridesmaids! First was the dress, which was almost $200 – and she told us 2 weeks before we were going to have to pay for it. I guess that wouldn’t be THAT bad if it was something I could possibly reuse… but believe me.. it’s a typical BM dress.
Now that the big dress payment is out of the way, we’ve got her bachelorette party coming up.. and I am definitely willing to try to make the night special for her, but again, she’s being pretty demanding here. It’s important to her for her little sister who’s 13 (the “junior” maid of honor) to be able to take part in the party… but she also wants to have the typical “get drunk” fest too. So now we’ll be having 2 different types of events, which will both be pretty expensive. But I wasn’t even complaining too much (to my fiance – definitely not to her!) at that point. What REALLY got me was when she told me the other day that she also wants us to throw her a little “mini lingerie shower” at the bachelorette party. So on top of the $200 dress, $75-100/each bridal shower, $200+ bachelorette party, and $75+ gift, she now wants me to spend an additional $50 on lingerie. I have no idea what to say!!
I guess it bothers me a lot because I am having a much more expensive wedding and am still expecting SO much less out of my girls! I mean, I’m the one getting married – not them. The bachelorette party will probably cost $30/each (I don’t want to do anything big!), the dress is $150 and the girls picked it out themselves and LOVE it (plus we’re not ordering until July so they have plenty of time to save), and my mom will be contributing a lot to the bridal shower since my little sister is also in my wedding.
Am I being selfish? I don’t know what to say to her! Should I just “forget” that she mentioned the lingerie thing?? I just simply can’t afford all this! I had already told her that the dress was a little costly for me, but that apparently hasn’t phased her at all! (My fiance actually had to pay for the dress and will be paying for most of this other stuff too… which makes me feel SO bad!)
Okay.. rant over! Sorry it’s so long, I just don’t know what to do! Any advice?
Post # 3
That sounds like the bride is expecting an awful lot. Brides are not even supposed to ask for a party so she has gall asking for an additional “mini lingerie shower”. Wow! I say, do what you can do. If you can afford all of the little extras, great! If you can’t, don’t feel bad about it and don’t overextend yourself. These are GIFTS and the bride should be grateful for whatever she gets. I wouldn’t even make it a discussion just work it with the other bridesmaids and make it very clear what you can and cannot afford to do. End of story. They can’t shake you down for money you don’t have and even if you do have it, it’s up to you to spend as you wish.
Post # 4
Hmm…to be honest, I think that’s sort of average for the cost of a wedding. I’m in a wedding in April that had a $200 dress, $350 for the bridal shower, $200 for the bachelorette party, and that doesn’t count my gift or the fact that I have to pay for a 2 night stay at a hotel in Philly.
While I think it’s a little much that she’s requesting the lingerie shower, I don’t think her bachelorette party needs to be that extravagant. Can you just have something small at someone’s house to include her 13 year old little sister and then head out on the town a little later? That might help with the cost of the bachelorette party.
Post # 5
That is pretty excessive. I would be stressed about the money, too!
First, is the bachelorette party already planned? It seems like the cheapest way to incorporate her sister AND have the traditional party is to go to dinner with “everyone”, then transition to the bars after. If it’s already planned, obviously, this isn’t an option.
As far as gifts, if you are throwing the shower and bachelorette (i.e. contributing money), you’re not technically expected to bring a gift, as well. If you really feel like giving a gift, I would just scale down a bit. Maybe $20 for a shower gift and, for the lingerie shower, go to TJMaxx/Marshalls/Ross/Burlington and buy a $10 babydoll and call it a day.
There’s not a lot you can do now about some of the expenses (even though it sucks), but just try to cut back where you can. Sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 6
I may be biased because I’m in the same situation. I’m in a wedding this year too and your friend sounds just like mine. She’s made several requests for what she wants for her bachelorette & shower and at this point I’m just exhausted & don’t want to spend any more money. I love my friend but to me these extra expenses are just too much.
I have no advice for you, sorry 🙁 I have tried telling my friend very bluntly that I have $X budgeted for her wedding and that I really can’t spend any more than that, but she just like your friend doesn’t seem to understand that or even hear what I’m saying. I feel like the only solution is for me to suck it up and pay if I don’t want to upset her.
ETA: I just wanted to add that my friend initially asked us to spend $1k+ each on her bachelorette, while I had budgeted they typical amount like PP mentioned.
Post # 7
I think the coists are average these days for a wedding, but I do think she is asking for a lot. I think its horrible that she’s soliciting gifts like she is! The lingerie party is too much. If someone wants to give a naughty/nice gift, they should be able to without it being an olbligation.
Post # 8
@VegasSukie: Everything she said. I’ve been in the same spot as you lately. Even the lingerie shower the bride said the BMs have to put on for her. I said I don’t have to do anything like that, if I want to- I will. End of story.
Post # 9
She can request all she wants, doesn’t mean you have to do it.
Dinner then bars for the bachelorette party sounds perfect and doesn’t have to be expensive. I have never given a gift for the party, only bridal shower and wedding.
Post # 10
I have a BM in many weddings, and the cost can get out of control VERY quickly!!
As far as your specific situation, I think you could absolutely add an insert in the invites about bringing a little something sexy for the Bride (optional), but that does not mean you need to get her something too!! I think she would absolutely understand that your gift to her is the party!!
Post # 11
That’s pretty awful of her to ask for all that of her bridesmaids. All of mine live out of town and basicially the only thing I asked them to pay for was their dresses and to make sure they get down here. They are not even going to be able to come to the bridal shower, my stepmom is throwing it for me. And the bachelorette is going to be pretty low key such as bar hopping or just going to a club. I am not asking anyone to rent a limo or throw me extra parties. Everyone is paying enough. I even had to cover the cost of two of my bridesmaids dresses so I would say they are getting off pretty easy. She should know with your own wedding coming up that money would certainly be tight. But some people are just so oblivious. IMO It does seem to me like she is asking a lot but maybe you guys should not have committed to all of these events before your own wedding. It is hard though when a bunch of close friends are all getting married at the same time. I agree with one of the PP’s about just trying to do everything cheaper like buying cheaper lingere for the party and doing something more low key for the bachelorette.
Post # 12
I do not think it is right for the bride to dictate what parties she has. Have you talked with the other bridesmaids about any of this. It is a nice gesture to throw a shower and a bachelorette party, anything on top of this is excessive and is not your responsibility. I also don’t think you are obligated to attend all of these parties.
Post # 13
Typically if you host the shower, you don’t need to purchase an additional gift for the bride. I would do what others suggested and throw a small party at someone’s house and then go out for a night out on the town. It doesn’t have to be so fancy. Wedding are really overwhelming and very expensive for guests involved. I’m always sensitive to people telling me how I need to spend my money, so I’ve tried to be mindful of that through the planning process.
Post # 14
I think she is being rude, she must know you are not very well off so it makes it worse, I am buying my bridesmaids dresses etc as a gift.
The MOH is paying for my bachelorette because it is a surprise for me and she doesn’t want me to know whats going on. she let me have some say in it eg stuff I really do not want or would I like a theme but thats all. I would be so uncomfortable making demands of her even though (in my case) she does have more money than me.
My only suggestion for you is meet up for a coffee or something and mention that this bride is not being considerate of your financial problems at all (implying the other bride you are in the wedding for) then say I can’t wait until my wedding and then I can be bridezilla and boss her around (make it sound like a joke) that might get her thinking about you a bit more
Post # 15
It makes me feel SO much better to know that I’m maybe not just being “selfish” – and to know that other people are going through the same thing as me!! Thanks everyone!
Unfortunately, talking to the other BMs about fixing this situation won’t really work. Other than her little sister, there are only 4 of us… 1 lives out of town and is VERY un-involved (did I mention I live 3.5 hours away too and have been driving in for all these events?). 1 is not engaged, has a good job, lives at home to save money, and still gets her parents help paying bills… so money isn’t an issue for her at all. And the other BM is the bride’s future sis-in-law, so I am a little nervous about saying anything in front of her anyway!
I think I’m just going to try to tone down the bachelorette party (as best as possible!)… and if the lingerie thing comes up again, I’ll try out Ross for a $10 teddy (thanks for that advice, @les105!).
Thanks for listening to me whine! I know that this amount of money doesn’t seem like that much… but it’s a WHOLE lot for our area of the country! The average total wedding price in our city is probably $10-15K MAX… and it usually only costs ~$2-300 to be a BM.
As sad as it is to say (and as much as I LOVE weddings & planning wedding showers), I think I’m kind of over being a BM… I hope these 2 weddings will be my last to be in (although I’m not sure that I’ll be able to get out of a few that are bound to be coming up!).