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May I ask what culture you both are from? This might allow people to give better advice, and someone from your own culture may also have inside tips!
It doesn't matter what culture I am from. I was just thinking out loud about what I have heard and seen about brides, the people involved and money involved in general.
Oh and brides, please don't take this as a personal attack. I am just thinkking to myself " Man this is a lot of stuff for one day of celeb only".
I would opt for a small intimate, simple, non-stressful wedding. Beach wedding, a coule of dozens of roses, maids wear a simple summer dress, simple wedding dress, reception at an upscale rest. hehe...so maby this why I don't get it.
I have had a hard time coming up with a response to your post. Perhaps because your post did not involve a question or did it invite a thoughtful discussion. I suppose I can just say that I hope that even though you don't want to be in your friend's wedding, that you will still try to be a good bridesmaid. It would very sad if you were to let on to the bride your attitude. Not only could it ruin her wedding day, but your friendship.
And yes, when it is your turn, you can do whatever you want to.
I said I was just thinking out loud. I wasn't trying to invite a discussion or stir up anything.
I dont think it is the end of the world for the bride if one of her friend rather not be in the wedding, or if something doesn't turn out right. It shouldn't be. I guess that is what I am trying to get at.
Okay its late and I'm so tired. I'm probably not wording this right. I apologize if I offend anyone. I'm just trying to be honest about something w/out offending the brides in here. Not sure if I got anything across? I'm just so tired now.
Nite
You really need to know your audience. What is the point of posting something like that on a blog about wedding planning, if not to get some sort of negative response? To some degree I agree with you...I've been pretty shocked by the amount of work and effort that women expect out of their BM. When I was getting married and had picked my BM, I didn't count on them doing anything. But, on the other hand I think that most BM know what they're doing when they sign up for it. I think it's very abnormal for a BM now to know what's involved in their role.
Hello V-
I hope that you can find a way to work things out with the bride- it would be so unfortunate to strain your relationship especially at what should be a happy time for both of you! Have you asked the bride what her expectations (financial and duty-wise) are of the bridesmaids, specifically of you? If not, that might be a good way to start the conversation, and hopefully come to a good compromise that you both are comfortable with.
When you mention 'demanding brides' it is not exactly clear if you have had any specific experiences with your friend being demanding, or if it something that you notice in general. If you have a specific question about how to gently talk to the bride about requests she is making that you think are unreasonable, the hive might better be able to help you. Best of luck!
I understand that being a bridesmaid is tough. Unfortunately that is the agreement you make. I don't get why you came and posted on a discussion board if you didn't want anyone to comment, especially on a board filled with brides and posting about how they are demanding. Maybe you could talk to the bride, and tell her you don't have the money to spend like that, and you want to do as much as you can as long as it doesn't break the bank. I don't know what culture doesn't let you be honest, but I think you should have talked about this before you accepted. I have been there before. I have only been in one wedding as an adult, and it was insane how much I spent. But, I agreed to it, I didn't know better, and everything we did made my friend happy....and that is what matters. I always say, money is made to be spent. Since then, I have planned better when doing things like showers, because they can get out of control. Regardless, every thing you have to do as a bridesmaid can be done affordably. Unless the bride is really demanding and requiring all kinds of crazy things. You just have to be creative.
V ... Don't worry, I think most of us know you are just saying how bewildered you are by the responsibilities. Try to be a good friend. If your friend is too demanding, you do have the right to say you're overwhelmed or overstretched. Politely and diplomatically, with tact and kindness, of course. :)
One of my BMs is a MOH in a wedding over two months before mine. And this other wedding is for a bridezilla. We'll call my BM "L". L is confiding in me how overwhelmed she is by her other friend (who I also know, but not as well). The other bride expects her to give up a full long week-end for errands and crafts ... over 9 months before the wedding. L was expected to be free Friday afternoon and be doing errands and crafts until Monday after 10 pm. While the bride was going out drinking Saturday night, L was expected to be on her own to do these chores from dinnertime Saturday to lunch time Sunday (after bride had recovered from hangover). She did put her foot down. And facebook became filled with messages veiled with subtle insults. Honestly, you'd think we were 17, not 27. L is truly flabbergasted as to how to tell this bride she can't do all this work and give up entire long week-ends, without hurting the bride's feelings and preserve the friendship.
So I guess the moral of my story is ... be honest with yourself ... be honest with your friend (but polite and diplomatic and reasonable!) ... and remember, it could always be worse! :)
I agree with your comments. I think a lot of brides expect a little too much- that being said, not all are like this. Personally, my wedding is not small and intimate, but I do have a very small bridal party (sister). I didn't feel right requiring my friends to spend that much for my wedding- plus when I was a bridesmaid I hated it (how do you tell a close friend no? Regardless of what culture you're in.. most of us live in the United States where it is customary to oblige).
I suppose you should just continue to fulfill your responsibilities. What other choice do you have?
I have another complaint- instead of having smaller weddings they can afford to take care of all the guests at, brides opt for larger weddings and the guests are expected to pay for certain luxuries. My best friend got married this weekend, and while I respect budgets, she had a 220 person wedding on budget that wasn't enough. Wedding was a cash bar, not that I'm an alcoholic or anything- but her family and friends all had to drive 4 hours to where her fiance is from for this event. You should take care of those people.
Once you get married...or plan your wedding you'll understand the pressure and hopefully then you'll treat your bride friend better!
I personally HATE it when "friends" say yes just because and without meaning it! It's rude and the worst thing for the friendship...because the bride will think you're on her side and when she realizes YOU'RE NOT she'll be dissapointed and frustrated...leaving your "friendship" in the dust.
This is my personal advice to anyone that gets asked to be a BM:
IF YOUR HEART IS NOT IN IT.....SAY NO!
i think it's a little narcissistic of you that you think you can come onto a bridal DISCUSSION BOARD and bitch about being a bridesmaid yet not ask a question or advice and get your panties in a wad when people ask you questions. at the very least you should have titled your thread as a (Venting thread) i think then people would be a tad more sympathetic.
"Beach wedding, a coule of dozens of roses, maids wear a simple summer dress, simple wedding dress, reception at an upscale rest."
All of those things, although they sound 'simple' take a great deal of preparation and planning. Logistics are never truly simple, no matter how hard you try to make them be.
That said, if a bride has it all under control, than you (as a bridesmaid) won't ever have to deal with it. However, as a bridesmaid, and therefore (presumably) a friend, it should be your honor to support her. If it isn't than don't accept the station.
Hello V,
After reading your other posts and responses, I have got to be honest here and say that it really seems like you just don't want to be a bridesmaid. And really, there is nothing wrong with that. I really would encourage you to pull out of the wedding party. The bride probably can already tell that you are less than excited about standing up for her and that just is not fair to either of you. Maybe offer to mind the guestbook or gifts- take on a role that is less demanding of your time and money.
You say that you did not know what being a BM was about...which is fine. But once you did start to realize that the costs and obligations of fulfilling that role were not things you were willing to do, you should have spoken up. I think it is much better for everyone if you put all your cards on the table vs. harboring resentment for the bride and her wedding.
The bride who asked you to stand up for her must really think a lot of you to have you play such a special role in the biggest day of her life. And even with the expense and time, it still is a special role that signifies what you must mean to her. If you do not think you can fulfill that role with a joyful and supportive heart, please communicate that to the bride as gently as possible and back out of the wedding- you owe that to yourself and to her. You will both be better off for it.
I don't care what culture you are from -- if you didn't want to be a bridesmaid you should have said no. It is obvious that you have a negative attitude about it and you will be the brides worst nightmare as a bridesmaid. It isn't very smart to put this kind of post on a bride's blog and then make those types of comments -- what were you expecting?
Hello V,
I don't mean to add a negative note on this thread, but like everyone esle, I did kinda felt offended. No one else but the bride knows how stressful planning a wedding can be. It doesnt matter if its a simple beach wedding with 10 guests or a 300 guest wedding. It is still stressful! The whole point of having a wedding party is to have those who love you help and support you. Thats why they are called friends. And like everyone else has said, you had an option, yes or no.
It doesn't matter how you would plan your wedding, this is NOT YOUR wedding. And the last thing the bride needs to worry about is her bridesmaid "friend" being difficult and making her feel that shes doing a bad job with the planning of her wedding.
Sad to see a bride have a "friend" like you. (sorry)
procserv[1].jpg (27.5 KB, 73 downloads) 2 years old 
I think that a big part of the problem is that prospective BMs look at it just like you did - as some kind of honor - without ever thinking about what might be expected in return for the chance to stand at the front of the church wearing the matching dress and carrying the bouquet. Regardless of your culture, a more appopriate response to the question might be: "Wow, what an honor to be asked! Thank you so much! I would really love to IF it looks like I have the time and money it will require. Let's sit down and talk about what you will need from me as a BM."
Everybody wants to blame these situations on the bride, but if you jumped up and down and agreed to be a BM or the MOH without ever trying to figure out what that meant to the bride, you are just as much to blame. If you accepted a job offer without ever reading the job description, would you them blame it all on your boss if the job turned out to be something you didn't really want to do, for a salary that wasn't adequate? There is plenty of blame to go around - heaping it all on the bride is not necessarily appropriate.
Lets get one thing straight -- your bridesmaids are doing you a favor by being in your wedding and not vice versa. I think alot of brides loose site of that fact. Brides should be thankful of their friends/relatives for agreeing to be a part of the bride's special day. There's nothing worse than the demanding bride who takes advantage of the whole "princess for a day/week/month" idea by ordering their MOH and BMs to be at their beck and call....when in fact the bride should be thanking them for all their time and money spent on the bride's day. That being said, if financially you don't feel you can afford to buy the dress and pay any travel expenses, talk to the bride about it. A gracious bride will understand and if she really wants you involved will help financially if she's able. If she's not, then too bad she'll just have to do without you in her wedding and she shouldn't have any resentment about that. If she does, you don't need that kind of person in your life anyway
We've gotten a number of flags about various posts in this thread... I think a good variety of opinions have been expressed, but unfortunately some of the disagreement has gotten personal. I'm closing the thread for now...
This topic has been closed to new replies.
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I'm a BM for an upcoming wedding. I never wanted to be the BM but I could not say "no" to my friend. It would be considered "rude " in my culture, and to the friendship. I've never been a BM before and didnt really know what it was all about!
Well after I was asked, I sure learned so much from reading books, mag and being on this site!
I understand the " It's your friend's wedding, do whatever makes her happy! It's her day! etc...."...but I still can't believe how it cost more money than the maids' have bargined for just for being in a wedding they don't really want to be in.
I don't think I could put people through that as a bride.