Post # 1
So, my fiance and I have been organizing our guest list, trying to keep it to 100pp. We are at 115 now. My fiances parents are paying for our honeymoon and my mom has contributed to the wedding.
Last night, my fiance’s step-dad texted him, demanding that we invite his two friend couples. In his text he says, “this is not a please try to fit them in question, I’ll pay for their plates.” He also demanded my fiance not invite his real dad, his uncle and cousin (due to an old fight). He mentioned how disrespectful it is to invite the uncle and cousin (my fiance gets along with them). So far, we dropped his real dad off the list and are considering dropping his uncle and cousin as well. The invitations went out today, but we put that one to the side.
My mom has also tried to invite her friends as well, but she already has a friend that’s invited (my friends mom) and has a plus one (my dad is deceased).
My concern is this: I feel his dad is threatening us because he is not asking but demanding his friend couples come (my fiance is not close to them). They are willing to pay for our honeymoon and I guess they feel like we owe them?
Post # 3
That’s such a tough situation to be in! But you have to stand up for yourself. Afterall, this is only happening once. You should have the people you want to be there, be there. You never want to look back and wish someone was there. I’m in the same boat. My FH’s dad is demanding that his friends and brothers children are invited. We decided on having an ‘adult only’ wedding for the fact that our limit was 100 people, and without kids we’re at 110. And our family has TONS of kids. His dad isn’t paying for the wedding, only the florist. But i’ve stood my ground and thankfully so has my FH. Do what you think is right! Don’t let someone pressure you.
Post # 4
@bridepen: …and THIS is why we are taking zero funds from anyone.
I mean, it is YOUR wedding, and they’re contributing to the honeymoon, not the wedding itself…so you COULD tell him “no.” Personally, I don’t negotiate with terrorists and anyone trying to strong-arm me into anything would be told to piss up a rope and keep the honeymoon money.
Post # 5
If they are willing to pay, I’d probably invite them. But that’s just me. If they aren’t willing to pay for their plates, then I wouldn’t.
Post # 6
@bridepen: That is a really hard situation! I think it is best to make as many cuts as possible to keep a number you were comfortable with but since invites are out then you may just have to wait for the RSV’s to show what you final number would be. Invite who you want and just set up the seating chart to keep them away from each other. Find a way to kindly tell your parents that you simply can’t invite their guests even if you wanted to or you could let them come (so long as they are not paid for by you). I am so sorry that you in this situation hun!
Post # 7
Our parents (3 sets) contributed to our wedding, so they were allowed to invite some of their friends. We set a line though – we had to know their friends in order to invite them. It worked out really well, and everyone respected it.
However, I think your post goes a little beyond that. If they want to invite friends, that’s fine – it’s only 4 people. However they don’t have the right to tell you who not to invite. If your FI gets along with his uncle & cousin, he should have the right to invite them to his wedding.
Post # 8
@bridepen: two things:
- If your venue can fit the extra people and if the step dad will pay for them, then I say invite the extras
- The step dad does not have the right to tell you who to not invite (especially relatives and/or close friends of your fiance). Maybe just seat them as far apart as possible?
The honeymoon is supposed to be a gift, no strings attached. How does your fiance feel about this drama?
Post # 9
Parents can suggest who to invite, and in this situation maybe give into step-dad since he told you he will pay for them. However, they get no say in who you should not invite. If you want someone there they cannot stop you from inviting them.
Post # 10
@bridepen: Can you potentially do without a honeymoon? Because my advice is to stick to your guns and say no. But be prepared for him to withdraw his generous gift. Pursuing this course of action would definitely satisfy you on a personal level, that you didn’t compromise your opinions about your big day for your FI’s stepdad. However, it might start a lot of drama that would last beyond the wedding.
If you’d rather keep the peace, then just say yes and take the money.
I’ve had to deal with this type of thing so many times, with literally every single person in my family. Most people I’ve been firm on denying their requests/demands, but I’ve given in to certain people (my mom and my FMIL) for different reasons.
And I don’t know your FI or his real dad, but that sounds kinda weird to not invite him even though they get along. Is it just to placate your FI’s stepdad? I’m just curious.
Post # 11
@bridepen: Let them invite their friends. 2 couples is a reasonable request.
But DO NOT cave in on them on who they request not attend. Invite uncle and cousin, (and also the biological dad if you want) and seat them well away from the stepdad. If divorced parents can be nice to another for one day (like my parents, and thousands of other parents every weekend) then your stepdad can cope with being in the same room with a couple of guys he doesn’t like.
Post # 12
I’m surprised the guest list is so high if parents’ friends aren’t invited.
Usually a couple that doesn’t invite parents’ friends has a small, intimate wedding with just their VIPs (say, 20 people) and their parents don’t pay for any part of it, honeymoon included.
A 100+ wedding that parents contribute to is usually predominated by extended family and parents’ friends. Who is it who’s filling up all those seats instead?
Post # 13
i went through something similar with my mother who has made a large contribution to our wedding.
she wanted to invite a number of her friends, and we ended up having a huge fight over it. we ended up compromising, and having a small cocktail party with our close family friends who we aren’t inviting to the reception, a couple of weeks before the wedding to celebrate with them.
Post # 14
@joya_aspera: Hi about 70 people from the list are his side of the family and friends. He didn’t invite these two couples because we never see or hear about them…
Post # 15
@futuremrscummings: unfortunately things have escalated to the point where his father has said he doesn’t care if we cancel the wedding. In fact he believe we should elope and has told my fiances mom that the wedding is canceled and not to worry.
My thing is this. They didn’t ask if they could bring friends. They demanded we send invites and his dad told him this wasn’t a request to try to fit them in, nor was it a request to talk to the bride about it. They were coming and that was it.
Post # 16
@paula1248: Unfortunately we had to remove his real dad from the list or the mom would make a scene at the wedding.