Post # 1
to paint the picture :
I got married in July of last year and my maid of honor got engaged in August. She told me she couldn’t choose between myself and a another girl, so I was matron of honor and her other friend was maid of honor. So as I am asking her what duties she wants me to do “speeches, rings, etc” I am learning that the maid is doing everything, which was fine with me. Although I got a funny feeling when I kept asking if I was doing a speech and she kept saying “if you want to” So fast forward to a month before the wedding, I’ve already paid for half of a shower and planned a bachlorette party. I get a text saying that since she has 3 best friends and she felt the other one was left out she wanted her to stand next to the maid of honor so she didn’t feel left out since the other 2 of us had titles. Well we had it out over this and I told her it’s just not the way it works, if I stood after the random friend I would be her matron of honor anymore and I wasn’t even doing any duties to make me an honor attendant, so if she just wanted me to be a bridesmaid she should have told me that months ago and so on. Well she swore I was still her matron of honor and apologized for upsetting me and whatever. So the day of the wedding, I am the one helping her mom get her into her wedding dress, garter, shoes, etc. Meanwhile the maid of honor is putting on more makeup and looking at herself in the mirror. We get through the wedding, and I am the one carrying her train everywhere and we get done with bridal party pictures and the maid of honor goes to start partying, while I am walking around with the couple and the photographer to carry her train and bustle it before she went into the reception. Then I get introduced at the reception as “bridesmaid_____, escorted by ______”. Needless to say I am less than happy. Now to her credit she did introduce me to the DJ as her matron of honor, but I think he would have written it down if she had told him that beforehand. Oh and she didn’t do programs, so I wasn’t listed in there either. It’s not the title to me, honestly, it’s the fact of how shady it all was.
So my question is, do I confront her and tell her how I feel or just let the friendship run it’s course ?
Post # 3
In the grand scheme of things does it matter… really?
If you were ‘only’ a BM wouldn’t you have done the same things anyway?
I would just save the friendship and let it go! You were honoured by being in the wedding party at all what does that extra title really mean?
Post # 4
The extra title doesn’t really mean a whole lot to me, I guess it was more so the way she went about it ? If she would have asked me to be a bridesmaid from the beginning, I would have done what the other bridesmaids did, which was nothing by the way. It was just the fact of how it went down more than anything. And the fact that I was doing everything the maid of honor should have been doing. I would have loved to be in the reception hall sipping drinks, instead of running around a muddy golf course in 3 inch heels.
Post # 5
I was asked to be in my friend’s bridal party about a year ago, but heard through the grapevine that she cut me out completely, after she hadn’t responded to any of my txts, e-mails, etc. While it did bother me for about 2 seconds, what hurt the most was that I heard about it from someone else..
If I were you, I’d just be honoured to be in the BP, regardless of ‘rank’.
Post # 6
@pcrazychick: hmmmmmm this is a hard one. Honestly, I would normally say “brides are crazy” and tell you to just dismiss it but this was pretty sketchy. If she hurt your feelings, you should confront her about it but in a gentle way. I am not a fan of keeping it in and letting things build up. Then you guys can work it out together.
Post # 7
Have you two broached this topic at all since the wedding? To me, it sounds like you completely acted the part of an honor attendant at her wedding, especially in comparison to the maid of honor, and I’m wondering if your friend recognizes this post-wedding. You said in your post that you hadn’t been doing the duties of an honor attendant, but it sounds like you certainly more than fulfilled your role on the big day. I hope your friend recognizes all that you did for her, even if she hasn’t said that aloud to you. Perhaps personal satisfaction with how you served her on her wedding day can help you rethink some of the hurt you’ve experienced. Just know that you were an excellent matron of honor and did exactly what you should have done for you friend.
Post # 8
I can understand where you’re coming from here. You did all the extra work, and the bride decides to make it seem like the other two were more important to her, and she did it at the last minute :(. I think we all have different expectations of the amount of work required for a BM versus a MOH, and you got stuck with all of the work and none of the gratitude.
I’m really sorry this happened. I don’t really have any good advice, but I would try your best to move past it. Weddings get so stressful and brides hurt people when they’re just trying to keep the peace :(.
Post # 9
I agree completely, it was indeed very shady. I would definitely confront her about it if you feel strongly enough…the fact that you could say “let the friendship run its course” shows that you no longer feel the bond is strong or will stand the test of time. I think you need to talk, who knows maybe she felt obligated to let you have the MOH title just because you gave her that title for your wedding. Maybe you did something that hurt or offended her for your wedding and she is still upset about but didnt have the guts to confront you….there are a lot of maybes and doubts in this situation so if you want to bury the hatchet…or the friendship, you need to talk to your friend.
Post # 10
I don’t think it was that big of a deal. I was a BM in my friends wedding a while ago, and the MOH (her sister) fell through on a lot of her duties. I didn’t want my friend to miss out on a bunch of those traditional things like being catered to and taken care of on her wedding day, so I stepped up. I never brought it up to her, because it was not important. Did your friend have a great wedding day? Did she enjoy herself? That should be more important to a friend than if you had the right title. I’m sorry that you feel that you were slighted, but the DJ messed up, not your friend. I am sure that she appreciated when you stepped up at the wedding to carry out the duties that a MOH is supposed to. I would just let it go.
Post # 11
yeah the mother of the bride thanked me for everything I did, which really wasn’t necessary. I’m not even looking to be thanked or I guess given the “appropriate title” there had just been a lot of things building up over the course of the engagement and I guess it just all came to a head at the wedding. I of course didn’t say anything at the wedding or show that I was slightly upset. But I guess someone nailed it on the head when they said she asked me because she felt obligated. I have felt that for a while and did not want her to ask me to be her matron of honor because she felt obligated.
The friendship has just kind of broken down over the past several months, to where we don’t talk unless it’s wedding and we don’t do anything unless it’s wedding related. I guess I just wanted to get some feedback and I thank all of those who did respond. I’m really not trying to make it all about me or what my title was. I guess I was just hurt. Even though it is the bride’s day, the bridal party does have feelings.
Post # 12
@pcrazychick: I see your point of view and I hope you can get past this…I guess you just wanted some reassurance to know somehow if you were misreading the entire situation. You have every right to feel the way you do. Best wishes …
Post # 13
Her treatment of you was shabby, but you have to choose whether you want to dwell in that place or move on.
Post # 14
Let it go, and take comfort in the fact that you were the best friend you could’ve been at the time. It’s always more comforting to take the high road in the end. Confronting her won’t do anything but make things worse. Be the bigger person 🙂
Post # 15
Aww, I’m sorry you feel like you were taken advantage of. That really sucks, and she does seem shady in the way things played out. I’m just thinking about myself… I really hope my BMs don’t think I’m taking advantage. I have two MOHs but they live far away and will not take part in showers or any real planning. They may help me with my dress and what not. But honesly, I don’t expect anyone to act differently whether they are BM or MOH. It just ocurred to me, that maybe my BMs who are planning showers and are more “wedding knowledged” will be mad at me because they are “just” BMs and not recognized as MOH. 🙁 I hope they don’t feel this way.