(Closed) depressed from the wait

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
1541 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I feel similar. It’s gotten to the point I’m just really feeling down about myself/relationship, and i really don’t know how to pick myself back up

Post # 5
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@SelinaKyle:  I don’t think you’re reading too much into it. It sounds like he’s dragging his feet to me. You should calmly tell him how this is making you feel, that him not having made this a priority is really hurting your feelings. Hopefully he is ready to marry you and will get it done! If he gets defensive though I would take that as a bad sign that he isn’t ready for this.

Post # 6
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Nope, you aren’t over-reacting…that would piss me off to no end too….but he’s not going to understand what the big deal is, because men and women are in tune with different things..

For you:  This isn’t real until he’s put that ring together, gotten down and one knee and asked…and anything short of that is him jerking off..

For him:  He’s got the stone, he’s got the setting…as far as he’s concerned he’s half way there, it’s a work in progress and it’s…progressing…

Any attempt to discuss this with him will only result in the two of you expounding your respective points (listed above) over and over in different context and pissing each other off more.

So if you want him to GET IT…I would be home, sitting on the couch when he gets there, if he’s like 98% of men in America he will ask how you are, how your day was and when dinner will be ready…

At this point you say, “soon.”  but don’t get up….don’t do anything….he’ll ask again when he’s starts to get hungry and there are no detectable signs of a forthcoming meal…assure him, “Dinner will be soon.”  When he finally can’t figure out what the hell is going on an wants his damn food enough to ask where it is again, you reply, “Well, I have the chicken, and I have the rice….I just need to put it together.”

*LIGHT BULB*

Then he’ll get it…but I still wouldn’t cook anything and make him take me out for being a jerk.

 

Post # 7
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Nona99:  I’m sorry, but I 110% disagree with this approach. It’s passive agressive and will only be interpreted as nagging.

This is your future husband. Communication should be nothing but open and honest, not passive-aggressive and spiteful. I agree with what poster emmalyn said… instead of getting angry with him, you need to calmly explain how you are feeling and why. If he loves you, you know he’ll want to fix things and make you happy… it’s just that he probably has no understanding of why this situation was SO upsetting to you. You can’t assume that a man- or any person, for that matter- can read your mind.

Post # 10
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@SelinaKyle:  I’m sorry, I just disagree. If you guys end up getting married, you will continue to have serious, calm conversations about big decisions for the rest of your lives together, and oftentimes, you will have these conversations over and over again until you feel like you’re on the same page. Feelings are constantly evolving and changing within each person, and it’s part of a partnership to continue talking about it until it’s an issue you’ve overcome. I don’t think you can overcome not being on the same page without a lot of (sometimes repetitive, sometimes seemingly unproductive, sometimes hurtful, sometimes teary, sometimes calm) communication.

Post # 11
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee

@Nona99:  hahaha I love your comments.

Seriously though give him a bit more time…Chill!

I’m still waiting on my guy and it’s a guarantee and that helped calm me down. I’ve been channeling my energy into other things like my house, pampering myself and hanging out with my dog. You need to focus on something else for a while. At least you know he has the ring!

Post # 13
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think 7 years together with no solid timeline is a little long… And I’m not surprised that you feel emotionally down because of the waiting. But I agree with a previous poster that you perhaps are reacting too agressively. How about sitting down with him, calmly, with no threats or ultimatums, and discussing your timeline? Remind him of his proposal idea of 2010, and just have a conversation about when an engagement is potentially going to happen.

 

Post # 15
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

I know you’re feeling anxious, but if you’re planning to spend your life together- what’s a few more weeks/months? You’ve waitied seven years already, but that’s just a small fraction of forever. He may be stalling because he doesn’t have the engagement planned or because he’s nervous. If a few more (units of time) will help placate him and make him feel 100% ready for this next big step, then being a patient girlfriend could go a long way.

 

Consider initiating a gentle, sober, tear-free conversation in a month or two. Explain to him that you’re not trying to prematurely pressure him into something he may feel nervous about. You love him and if there are any minor worries or concerns he has- you’re willing to listen and not say anything or answer questions if he prefers. If he says he doesn’t have any, then you know you have nothing to worry about and you could always consider the SUIP until he brings marriage up.

 

The mall comment is interesting. As a world-weary retail worker, I find myself not wanting to stay in the place I work (or the mall it’s in) when my shift ends. I usually go home and apply to jobs, then play video games to relax.

Post # 16
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@SelinaKyle:  I so feel your pain! My guy has the ring and I keep biting my tongue. I just don’t know when it is going to happen and that drives me crazy. And sometimes I have made comments like will it happen in the next six months, etc. It really upsets him when I ask this because I think he really wants to surprise me but I just can’t help it!! Also, if my guy had said very soon in 2010 and I still didn’t have a ring in 2013 I would be genuinely upset. I am already anxious waiting and can’t imagine waiting that much longer. I have been studying a lot more…I really want to be officially engaged so I can look at wedding stuff without feeling guilty though!

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