- 2 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
My husband’s job makes him think frequently about killing himself. Not actually suicidal in that he won’t actually do it, but he is definitely depressed, and he KNOWS he needs help. But he “doesn’t believe in” therapy. I am at a loss for what to do. I used to go to a psychologist, and then psychiatrist in addition, along with specialist counselors. It made a HUGE difference in my life, and he knows I think this. His dad left when he was a baby and they have no relationship besides sometimes awkwardly seeing him at his grandmother’s house once in a while and I think this, and some other things, are unresolved issues for him. It’s certainly traditionally un-manly to seek outside help for your problems, but my husband really isn’t even the macho type, I’ve seen him cry a bunch of times.
I think he also is somewhat predisposed to just be a bit negative/cynical – i.e. unless you are in the top 20% in school might as well not try too hard anymore because only big firms care about GPA and they won’t take you if you have a 3.3 so might as well just get the 3.0. And he feels like life in this country (US) is a scam for middle class/poor people because you slave away for the hope of making enough money for a nicer car or nicer house when that stuff isn’t really important. I get that, but I just prefer to be happy and not dwell. Also I am not willing to sell everything I own and move to a place where it is easier to get by while working a less stressful job at this point. We would have money to visit home anyway because I have a savings account from my Grandpa, but I miss my family so much as it is living less than a 3 hour flight away. Not to mention that my family would be furious.
I don’t have a job yet because I moved to where my husband’s (hated) job is, in a poor state with less opportunity. We are lawyers which means pretty much no job in our field lets you just go home and forget about work until the next morning. We are less than 18 months out of school. I try to encourage my husband to just apply for assistant manager type jobs. I’d prefer he make minimum wage as long as he has some sort of plan for advancement and isn’t so miserable anymore. I’ve told him to quit, to look for other jobs, etc. I don’t think he will while I’m unemployed. He also has said that x job would probably suck too so might as well just stick with the suck job he already has. He also is uncomfortable with quitting unless we are moving to another state because that’s an excuse to give them. He has said that if it comes to it, he is just going to tell them he cant take it anymore after he has been there for 2.5 years though. He has been there 1 year 1 month now. He has won 2/3 of his trials, but even when he does well at work he said it doesn’t make him feel good/happy, just relieved that he didn’t f it up again.
He doesn’t drink so much that I think he has an alcohol problem based on quantity, but he has said that he will drink to numb how his job makes him want to kill himself. I know this isn’t uncommon to drink when something goes wrong, but it is still concerning because he has more bad days at work than good, and even though he doesn’t drink most weekdays now, I see a potential for a serious problem to develop.
He isn’t ALWAYS acting down. He does still enjoy activities to an extent. He is happier I think because he started to care about religion. He also is happy to have me here and cares about his family. He treats me very well generally.
But he has no self-confidence. He holds himself to an extremely high standard. He had basically no useful training for his job, just thrown into the courtroom. He is the only public defender for misdemeanors in 2 counties. I think his job must know that he will make a lot of mistakes and not know a lot of things. He is afraid to ask for help with work stuff even on the days he is in the office and could ask someone else in person who he can see isn’t THAT busy at the moment, because he doesn’t want to admit not knowing what to do. There’s another new girl in the office who has told him she doesn’t know what she’s doing, so he told her he doesn’t either — but he won’t even ask her opinion very often.
He also gets frustrated and sad that other people don’t meet his standards, which are still high but not as crazy high as the ones he holds himself to. He is still nice to people, he just internalizes more negativity about how crummy a world it is we live in.
I am losing it! I want him to be happy and I am tired of feeling bad that he feels bad, and worrying if he will ever be happy.
What would you do??