Post # 1
Over the weekend my mother called me to tell me that she and her boyfriend (of more than 12 years) are breaking up and she’s moving out. Her boyfriend has been my father figure for almost a decade and I’m not taking it well. He just gave me away at my wedding 2 months ago and now they’re done. Neither of them have been happy for a while so I shouldn’t be surprised that they’re calling it quits but it still sucks. Atleast when it’s biological parents divorcing, both will still (or atleast should) have a relationship with the kid but I don’t know what this means for me. Obviously my mom will always be my mom but I loved her boyfriend so much and I honestly don’t know if I’ll even have a relationship with him after this. If we do see each other, I’m sure it will be incredibly awkward.
I’ve done a pretty good job of putting this whole thing out of my mind but whenever I think about it, I get so sad. I’m not normally one to break down and cry in public but the last 2 days have been one big fat sob fest at work. I’m sure my co-workers think I’m crazy.
I do think that they’ll both be better off since they weren’t happy together but it will definitely take time to adjust. It absolutely sucks that this is happening right before Christmas. I’m not entirely sure how I’m supposed to even enjoy the holiday when my family is in ruins. This was supposed to be a great Christmas since it’s our first one married but I’d prefer to just skip over the whole thing and not have to deal with the sadness of not having my “dad” there.
I’m so sad and angry. I don’t even know who I’m mad at but I just find myself being equally as pissed off as I am sad. I’m fairly certain that I’m the last to know about all of this. It seems like every member of our family has known about the impending split for a while but my mother just felt the need to tell me a few days ago, exactly 1 week before she moves. I know she wouldn’t have said anything prior to our wedding but it’s been 2 months since so there has been plenty of time to let me know. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions since I really don’t know when this decision was made but I can guarantee that it wasn’t just a few days ago. There was enough time to shop for a house, buy it, close on it and have it move in ready. Those things certainly don’t happen in 3 days.
I know my mom has my best interest at heart but this is all happening so fast and I don’t really know what to think. She wants me to help her move this weekend but I don’t think I can. I’d normally help my mom with anything but I don’t think I can bring myself to pack up her shit and move it out of the house that she’s shared with my “dad” for years.
I’m just sad and the timing sucks, though there really isn’t a great time for all of this to happen anyway. I’m sure it will just take time and eventually I’ll get over it but right now it’s majorly shitty.
Post # 3
You have every right to feel the way you do. And I dont’ see how seeing your dad will be awkward. The man was a part of your life for most of it, I would hope that he would still want a relationship with you even if him and your mom are no longer together.
Sucks she didn’t tell you sooner, but maybe she thought it would be better to wait to tell you?
And if you don’t want to help her move, tell her you are sorry but you can’t. You can’t help the way you feel, and if being there is going to be counterproductive, why even bother?
Post # 4
Sorry this is happening to your family.
I think you’re justified to feel shitty here. Crying is normal and I doubt anyone is judging you and if they are… they suck.
I think that your mom probably didn’t want to ruin your newlywed moment. Like you said, she was probably just trying to look out for your best interest.
I have a friend who was in a similar situation as you (her step dad and mom got divorced and her step dad was closer to her then her bio dad). After the split up, her mom and step dad actually still spoke. Like in your situation, they knew that being apart was better for them. So now my friend actually sees her step dad often. He was there at the birth of both of her children. She visits him once in a while too.
So I know right now it is hard to see the future of things, but maybe later on you guys will be able to continue a relationship.
I know that Christmas is going to be tough but maybe you and your Darling Husband can still take the time to celebrate alone for one of the days? I know you probably are obligated to visit family and such, but I still think it is important to celebrate as your first Christmas as husband and wife and to bask in this moment.
Post # 5
*hug* I’m so sorry. I know how you feel – my mother and former step-father split up after he was the only father figure in my life and it was horrible for me. Even worse because he didn’t want to have a relationship afterward, which messed me up during my teen years.
I would suggest inviting him to a casual lunch or coffee and talking about things. Just tell him that even though he’s not going to be with your mom anymore, he means a lot to you and you would like to keep the relationship intact. Awkward though it may be, if he means a lot to you (and obviously, if he gave you away you also mean something to him), then it’s worth pursuing.
As far as your mom goes, I can also understand your feelings toward her and I don’t think they’re unwarranted. Thing is, if neither of them were happy as you said, it is probably better off for them to be apart. It’s hard to gain any perspective when things are happening fast around you, so take any time you need so you can be there for her in the coming months. If helping her move will be too hard for you, then bow out. She doesn’t have to know why, just tell her that it’s not possible for you to do that.
I’m guessing the reason they didn’t tell you is that they didn’t want to spoil your wedding or the happy months after as newlyweds.
Post # 6
I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this. It is painful.
It’s always hard to adjust to news like this. But, consider the alternative. Would you want your Mom and her boyfriend to live in misery for the rest of their lives?
Your Mom is likely hurting more than you are. This is the time for you to step up and support her in doing something that is no doubt difficult for her too.
There is no reason that you can’t maintain a relationship with him if you choose to. I am still very close to my ex mother-in-law because we both chose not to discuss her son but focus on maintaining our own relationship.
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with this. Just try to remember that your mother is going through major heartbreak as well, and even if you don’t feel you can help her move, do at least try to be there for her, ask her how she’s feeling, ask her how she’s handling everything. Try not to express anger or resentment towards her because it will just make things worse for everyone involved (including you). And of course call her boyfriend up too, ask how he is doing. See if he’d like to go get some lunch, and be honest with him. Tell him that you really love him like a father figure and that you hope to maintain a relationship with him because he has been such a big part of your life. You can all potentially help each other here.
Post # 8
This would be such a hard thing to go through! Try to be there for her as much as you can. I’m sure she feels terrible. You are allowed to cry and be sad, too! Make sure to somehow let him know that you will miss him and you want him to still be in your life. I’m sure he does not want to entirely loose out on the relationship with you, either.
Post # 9
I’m really sorry. I don’t have anything to add to the other great advice people are giving, but I just wanted to say that this really does suck 🙁
Post # 10
Thanks everyone. I’m sure my mom is going through a lot right now and I’m going to be there for her as much as I can. I agreed to help her unload everything at the new house so that Darling Husband and I can atleast assist her in some way. I’m going to write a letter to her ex and stick it in with his Christmas presents that I’ll be dropping off at some point. I hope that he wants to continue to have a relationship with me but I don’t know if that would be too hard on him. I haven’t discussed this with my mother yet so I don’t know how she’s going to feel but she needs to understand that I love(d) him too and I can’t just forget about the last decade.