Depressed with wedding and engagement

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@GlitzyBride:  I’m sorry to hear about your situation! I dated a momma’s boy once, and it was a disaster – exactly as you described (he always made big decisions with his mom, rather than me). I started to feel like a third wheel in his relationship with his mom, and I knew I’d never be happy with a man who didn’t have decent boundaries with his family. Your situation would be a deal-breaker for me – it sounds like your man doesn’t treat you like a true partner (getting a dog without your input? a house? renovations?) and is very inconsiderate of your feelings (blowing off appointments, etc). Would he consider going to premarital counseling with you, or couples counseling? If not, I’m sorry to say, but I’d leave him.

Post # 4
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@GlitzyBride:  “And if he’s acting like this now, who am I to know that it won’t happen again two years down the road when were married.”


I also wanted to say, that I completely agree with you. If he’s treating you this way now, I don’t think he’ll change after you’re married. He’ll probably be even be MORE likely to take you for granted. He sounds selfish and immature, and I don’t think marriage will change him for the better.

Post # 5
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@GlitzyBride:  if he’s acting like this now, who am I to know that it won’t happen again two years down the road when were married and there is something that I want to do for myself?

 

This totally resonates with me. I’d never tell anyone to cut their losses, and I understand he may not be able to fully contribute due to salary, etc. However, there should be SOME compromise and excitement on his part regarding the partnership you’re embarking on.

Also, those type of life choices should be approached together – especially if he’s not planning on turning around and selling the house.

:/

Post # 6
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

a relationship is supposed to be about compromise and respect.  if there is no compromise now, what will it be like when you are married?  it certainly does not sound like he is respecting you.

have you discussed this with him?  would you be willing to go to pre-marriage counselling together?

Post # 7
Member
7090 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Have you told him exactly how you feel? If so and he’s done nothing to change the situation, I would probably cut my losses and move on. It doesn’t seem like he views you as an equal. Actually he sounds a lot like a guy I dated who was almost 10 years older than me…it was like I was viewed as a child and not worthy of making “adult” decisions with him.

Post # 8
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

It’s one thing for him to change his mind and want a more simple wedding. (I’m kinda feeling the same, my money could go to so much better things!) But it’s another when you’re saying he’s making all these serious life decisions without you! That’s the whole purpose of marriage is to live life together! And if he’s not including you now, I don’t see how he will so in the future. I’m afraid if he’s even changing his mind about wanting to marry you as much as I hate to say that. 🙁

But you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk before you tie the knot with him. It’s not too late to stop a decision either of you may regret or to figure out what his issue is that may have something to do with something else.

Post # 9
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Honestly, I didn’t want a big wedding (wanted to elope!), but my fiance did. We’re having a big wedding, and at first I really wasn’t happy about it (we fought about it a lot at first)… but I realized that we could never have one or the other, and this makes him truely happy. So we’re doing a big wedding; the trade-off is that he’s doing most of the planning (and he found out he loves to do it anyway)
So I’m OK with it now (doesn’t mean planning is fun though, I hate it).
I’m excited about our wedding because I know it’s going to be an amazinlgy happy day for him!
I’ll enjoy myself too, but it’s really not my thing (sounds more grumpy than I really feel – just nervous about being out of my element)

It sounds like your fiance isn’t very skilled in the art of comprimise.
It’s also a bit concerning that he doesn’t defend your choices to his family… in fact, he probably complains (how else would they know about the dress?)
And lastly, he’s putting down your choices now, after being rather impartial about them in the beginning. This is a bit of a worrisome turn in your relationship – hard to tell if it’s the money, or the event itself, or cold feet?

It also sounds a bit like you’re in the “comfort zone.” He wants to live his life the way he wants, and he’s used to you there so he’d like to keep you around. You need to ask yourself why you’re sticking around if he isn’t going to involve you in your relationship/marriage like you want to be.

You do need to discuss this with him… counseling could help but if he doesn’t want to budge then I think your options are sort of limited: stay with him and accept this is how things will most likely remain for your marriage, or leave and find someone who can understand how to let go of their own opinions (ok, sometimes) to make you happy.

I hope things work out for you.

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