- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
Not to be a downer on everyone,
but I have some horrible news: my husband, who was 27, passed away tragically on July 25th. He was my lifelong best friend, my twin soul, my angel on earth. I am just so lucky that I always told him how I cherished every second I got to spend with him and that every second with him was a blessing and that he was my gift from God. It was very traumatic what happened. I’d rather spare the details for now…. I’m still in shock about it and depressed, of course. The funeral was on Friday. This of course has changed my whole life, I don’t even want to stay at my current teaching job in that area because of this, which I had had for 8 years. I’m afraid of being alone in that area now. I just want to be with my family over an hour away.
Anyways, we were expecting our first child at the end of August. So I am very sad about him, and I am actually having sad feelings about the baby. I am so sad our baby will never get to meet her father. It’s so painful for me to think about. Also, the baby reminds me of my husband, and that is what’s so painful too. I’m not excited or interested about it. When I go shopping for the baby or maternity clothes, I get sad, and when people congratulate me in the stores or ask me about it, it makes me quite sad. I just say thanks very stoicly/non-enthusiastically almost near tears. I can’t imagine what I will feel when it is born, I just know there will probably be a lot of tears, which I already hold back a lot. Part of me doesn’t want it, but I know that’s not true, it’s just that it’s so painful, that the baby reminds me of him, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I always wanted a child. Of course both my husband’s family and my family consider the baby to be a blessing and cherish the thought of it, because “that’s the only thing we have left of him now” as my MIL says. Writing this brings tears to my eyes.
As far as my job, I plan to take my bereavement leave, personal days, maternity leave, family medical leave, and then when I have to go back, perhaps go on disability for the rest of the year, so that I could take a year off, and look for a job closer to my family. I have this intense fear of being alone far away now. I don’t even feel up to teaching this year at a job I really disliked(the school/tough class last year), far away from my friends and family. And this would allow me to spend more time with my baby.
My husband was excited to have a baby and was going to be a stay at home daddy while I worked. I miss my husband so much, I can’t believe he’s gone!!! My In-laws actually had the audacity to blame his death on our marriage and baby…..which is really not true at all(and everyone knows it). My MIL even has the audacity to act like I should be happy and positive and not sad anymore, just because his funeral was on Friday. It’s just how funny life can work out, how you think your life might turn out one way, but it turns out completely different instantly. How just instantly your lifelong best friend is just gone. I still think about him all the time. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope I didn’t upset anyone too much. Thanks for reading this.