posted 2 years ago in Wellness
Post # 2
94 posts
Worker bee

Unfortunately, one of the problems with depression is it can keep you from seeking help. He may not even see how much he has changed because all he remembers is how terrible he feels right now. it can be so hard on both parties. I have been on both sides and feel deeply for you. I cannot give much advice right now but feel free to pm me. Hang in there.

Post # 4
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I too have been on both sides of this and it is very hard. Sadly as the bee before sad, it’s very hard to seek out help when you are depressed and from what I’ve heard even harder for men in general.

I know that you don’t want to feel alone in a relationship, especially 30 days out from your wedding but try to remind your self none of this is about you. I wouldn’t say go behind his back or post an intervention of sorts but is their a mutual friend, family member you can talk to? Maybe if they could talk to him he would be more open to the idea of getting help rather than trying to be strong for you…

sending you hugs

Post # 6
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

TiaMP:  Going through this too however we are both suffering from depression. I am in treatment. He is not… Seeing someone yourself might not be a terrible idea even if he isn’t ready yet. It can help you cope with his struggle and allow you to be more supportive. 

Post # 7
1352 posts
Bumble bee

Hello darkness my old friend…

Yeah, I’m deperessed ALOT, hell I think the majority of my life I have been. I have swings or super depression and mild depression and right now I’m okay.

I never got treatment, and I probably never will. I know its wrong, that I should, but I dont like chemicals in my body so I dont want to take something for it that would mask who I was. This is me. I embrace it, the wild crazy and ultra sad time that it is. Maybe that’s unhealthy, it probably is, but this is all I have ever known.

I know my FI had a helluva time with me when I feel into a bad sport a few months ago. He had never seen it. He wasn’t sure what to do. He tried to be caring and understading but it was difficult for him. He kinda gave me my space, and I slowly climbed out of it.

This maybe your new normal. I would also agree that why not see someone and maybe they can give you the tools to deal with him, since he won’t go and seek help.

Post # 9
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

TiaMP:  My FI and I both have anxiety. Anxiety and depression go hand in hand a lot of times – you get anxious over something and worry about it so much that you wind up not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. At some point it develops into full blown depression and then you get anxious over being depressed. It’s a vicious cycle.

Depression is a mood disorder – but what people don’t realize is that it often causes physical pain as well as emotional and mental pain. I suffer from horrible fatigue when I’m in a low point. No matter how much sleep I get, it’s never enough. I also get muscle aches and pains as well. Sometimes there are headaches brought on by crying. And my appetite gets all out of whack too; either I want to eat nothing or I want to eat everything in sight. It’s one of the worst and most uncomfortable conditions I have ever experienced in my life.

The most important things to remember are these:

1. His depression is not personal. He doesn’t mean to make you sad and upset. If he could he would get rid of his depression in an instance, but that doesn’t really happen. Do your best to be patient and gentle with him.

2. Depression can be a life-long battle. It often makes a first appearance during adolescence or the teenage years and often comes back unexpectedly throughout life, though that isn’t always the case. Mine struck during Middle School, though I had shown some signs of anxiety and depression in Elementary School. It still affects me to this day, but I have gotten better at managing it.

3. Men tend to have a higher rate of suicide than women do. Why? Because women are more likely to seek professional help than men. I personally believe its because our culture teaches that men are supposed to be strong and silent – anything less is a sign of weakness. Seeking professional help is a sign of great strength and courage, yet this false ideal is what leads men to avoid seeking help in the first place.

4. You can’t fix him. No one, except your FI himself, can “fix” himself. He needs to take that first step of reaching out for assistance. If he can’t or won’t do that then he isn’t willing to allow others to help him when he needs it. He can still get better without help, but it is often a much easier process when you let others help you.

My advice?

1. Make sure he knows that you are always there for him. Make sure that you tell him how much you love him and that you will always love him no matter what. Let him talk to you about things on his mind and do your best not to judge him for how he feels – doing so will allow him to feel more comfortable talking with you and he will be more open to sharing things with you as time goes on.

2. Exercise and nature can help sometimes. I know with me I always feel a bit more upbeat after a hike or walk outside. If I’m cooped up inside too much then I feel a lot more blah.

3. Continue attempting to interest him in doing things outside the home, but don’t pressure him to join in or go with you. Sometimes he may need to go out and be a part of things and other times he may really need some time alone.

4. It may be beneficial if he programs the number for the National Suicide Hotline (US Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255) into his cell phone. The person on the other end is trained to handle calls from people in distress and can help talk them down if they need help. He may also want to keep the number written down in his wallet as well. I hope he never has to use it, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.

Above all else, remember to take care of yourself as well. Stay strong, healthy, and motivated to reach your goals in life. Speaking with a therapist or a support group may be helpful for you – they may be able to provide other methods you can use to help your FI when he is in a dark place. And seeing you go to meetings or sessions (and the benefit it provides) may help him be more comfortable in going himself one day.

I wish you both a lot of luck and strength.

Post # 10
4645 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

TiaMP:  I feel for ya, I really do. I, too, was thinking maybe you could seek help in how to deal with this. I will tell you living with a man with depression (that doesn’t go away) is very difficult. That was my ex-husband. There were many problems, but that was one of the biggest. After several years of him not getting help I had to leave. It’s hard to always be the one trying to lift him up. It’s exhausting. I hope it’s just situational and goes away for him, but if not,

Post # 11
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I have depression and work in the mental health field. Men are sometimes hesitant to seek treatment because we as a society expect them to be strong and in control, and depression doesn’t fit their view of that. However, clinical depression is not a weakness or character flaw, but a neurobiological imbalance. Just like there’s no shame in treating the insulin imbalance that causes diabetes, there’s no shame in treating a neurotransmitter problem

Post # 13
35 posts

I’m sorry you are going throught this, it’s tough. I’ve been treated for depression both with meds and cognitive therapy. What’s great about the latter is that depression distorts your thinking, and I found it helps a lot to address that. Dr. David Burns wrote a book called Feeling Good that addresses this. You can find out more on his web site

Good luck and best wishes for your wedding and life together. Your fiance is a lucky man to have you.


Post # 15
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

TiaMP:  I am the spouse-to-be with Clinical Depression, in my relationship. Depression is complicated and cannot be solved by simply taking a perscribed medicine, “trying to be happy,” and discussing everything with a spouse/partner, family, and friends.  Medication is often necissary (long-term) to rebalance neurochemicals in the brain. There are many different types of antidepressants, and not all of them work for everyone. Some of them will work better for some people than for others. It takes a lot of trial and error to find antidepressants that work for any particular person. Some work, but have undesireable side effects. Sometimes a second antidepressant is needed, or the dose needs to be increased. Even after they make a person “feel better,” they need to be taken. I said that they make a person feel better, but they aren’t “happy pills.”

<br /><br />The guilt that a person feels can compel them to stop taking medication after a time, because they don’t want to have to be on medication. A lot of people feel a sense of shame in having to take antidepressants (I did, and sometimes still do). There isn’t any shame in needing medical intervention though. The best thing that you can do is to support your spouse in taking medication, and to remind him that it is a medical issue and not his fault! It sounds illogical, but many of us feel that having Depression is our fault, especially when people tell us that we just need to try to be happy and quit wallowing in self-pity. <br /><br />

<br />Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy are very useful for people with Depression, in addition to medication. You should consider therapy too, as previous posters said, either in a support group capacity or individual therapy.

<br /><br />I have been in that dark hopeless place many times before, thinking that there is no escape from the pain but death. He doesn’t want to die. He wants to feel escape from the hopeless vortex, and to put an end to the inner struggle. With Clinical Depression, the world looks very different than it does to people who have never struggled with it. That pain is valid. There is a feedback cycle of guilt, pain, hopelessness, and frustration/anger that feels inescapable and crushing. Self-compassion is often absent. It is difficult to feel like everything in your life is out of control. It feeds into the hopelessness.

<br /><br />He’ll probably never be “cured.” It is often a life-long struggle.  He can learn coping strategies that are helpful. Be supportive. I hope that he seeks help. I wish you both the best of luck. <br /><br /><br />

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