Desperate Bridesmaids

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

SilverPaint:  So the MOH & MOB planned the entire shower, themselves without any input from the other BMs but are expecting you guys to help foot the bill? That’s not really right. I know that my mom did everything for my shower, but then she paid for the entire shower and no one cared. I was in a bridal party once where the MOB paid and planned for the entire shower as well, and I didn’t care. But then again, I wasn’t paying for it. (It seems like it’s a “thing” here where the MOB plans and pays for the shower ~ it’s not “frowned upon” here).

Post # 3
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

SilverPaint:  OK, I admit that I didn’t read your post in it’s entirety . . . but you say that this is really out of character for the MOH. What about the bride’s mom? Is she the controlling type? Maybe she is steamrolling her ideas onto the situation and the MOH wasn’t able to go about things the way you as a group had planned? 

Post # 5
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

SilverPaint:  yea its not right. Before forking over any cash, i would suggest all of you grt together with MOH and explain why you are upset and how its not right to be paying for something you werent confronted about and furthermore, no prices/budgets were discussed. She could have spent $40 or $300 it doesnt matter. The point is that she expects you to just hand over the money bc her and MOB did all the work 

Dont tell the bride. She has enough on her plate. If thigs are not cleared up in time for the shower, tell her after the wedding is over. 

Post # 7
Member
3201 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

SilverPaint:  Something similar is happening in a wedding I am also in in November. The MOH (bride’s sister) and bride’s mother planned the entire bridal shower without any input from any of the bridesmaids. I offered to help several times and was rebuffed or ignored. For a while, it was a grey area where it was somewhat implied we needed to contribute cash, but I eventually put my foot down and stated I wasn’t paying for anything I wasn’t planning. I found that to be in such bad taste and tres tacky. Luckily, it was never mentioned again and we were not expected to pay. I never said anything to my friend because I didn’t want to start any issues, but I was very, very hurt. As much as I know her mother and sister have been waiting to do this for such a long time, the same can be said for myself and my friends. We are all very close and have been excited to plan each others showers, but the MOH has effectively cut us out. 

The same is being said for the bachelorette party. The MOH has planned the entire thing (has keyed the bride in on everything), but wants it to be a “surprise” for the bridesmaids. My friend finally admitted MOH wants it to be a surprise because the she wants to plan the bachelorette party SHE wants to and not have to worry about our input and suggestions or “complaints” as the bride said. Again, I was very, very put off by this, but said nothing. I am choosing to bite my tongue, because I know my friend. Even if I vented and said voiced how I felt, she would never tell her sister to include us, or stick up for us. 

I would not be paying for anything. They made decisions on their own without consulting any of you. They planned the shower. They are now essentially hosting the shower, not the bridesmaids. I’m sorry, but there would be no payment from me and I would let it be known that I find these in bad taste. Unless this was explicitly discussed and laid out that this is how it would be, shame on them for coming looking for money later. 

As for telling the bride, I don’t know. You know her best. Would this be something that would just add more drama and upset for the entire group, or is this something that could be nipped in the bud. Because as it stands, I think this will probably leak over into the bachelorette party, as mine did. 

Post # 8
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

Who is named as the host(s) of the shower on the invitations?

 

Post # 9
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Honestly, I’d be thrilled to just fork over money for a shower, have my name slapped as a hostess on the invite, and not have to help plan it, run errands, or make stuff for it!  More time for me!!! 

Post # 10
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

If I had repeatedly informed the MOH and the MOB that I was available and willing to help but was ignored by them, I would not be paying a DIME towards this shower. Why contribute financially to something you had no imput in?

Post # 11
Member
7531 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

SilverPaint:  I would be disappointed, but I don’t think at this point I would make a big deal over it, because of the close relationships within the family.  I’d just pay my portion (unless it was way over what I would have expected to pay, then I’d likely say something), and have fun with the bride on her shower day.  Why bring up hard feelings when what is done is done.  

Post # 12
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

I didn’t see how much they’re expecting you to fork over but you could go the root of giving what you are comfortable in giving or had budgeted for this event. 

Because you or the other bridemaids were not consulted I’d be a little peeved, but I wouldn’t want to not contribute anything. 

Much luck! The wedding is almost done and no more craziness!

Post # 14
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Once it became clear that all the planning and decisions were being made by MOH and her mother, I would have graciously backed out as a co-host. If they want all the say, that is perfectly fine.  But then they don’t get to bill you. 

Post # 15
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

SilverPaint:  If you take away the drama, this could be my shower.  My MOH (my sister) has planned the entire thing.  She made the invites, she’s doing all the food, etc.  She and the bridesmaids worked out a date that worked, she’s handled the rest.  The difference?  My BMs are happy to let her do it.  They’ve told her they will kick in some cash or take care of anything she needs, but she hasn’t asked yet.  She’s my sister, she’s very excited and she wants to do this.  I have spoken to her – just to ensure she knows she has help if she needs it.  I don’t want her taking on too much.  But this is important to her and she wants to do it for me.  Thankfully, my BMs are letting her and are happy to contribute where she needs the help.  

I say cut her some slack.  If you’re willing to spend a set amount on the shower, tell her how much and ask if there is anything specific she wants you to do/bring.  Planning by committee doesn’t usually work, someone typically has to take the lead, she might have done too much out of excitment.  I’d let this go.  In the end you all have the same goal, to be there for the bride.  It’s not like the girl is being malicious. 

Who is planning the bachelorette?  Can you tell the MOH “Since you did so much work for the shower, I’ll step up and plan the bachelorette to give you a break?”  

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