I'm really devastated right now, and could use all the advice I can get. I've known for some time that my future in-laws aren't my buggest fans, but apparently, according to in-siblings, they pretty much hate me, and the siblings dont feel that hot about me either. Now, I know I'm a good person- I'm a hard worker, am planning on going on to grad school for a very socially-minded career, have worked as a teacher prior to this. I adore their son and do my best to take care of him (as he does me) and I think we have a very healthy, loving relationship. However, his parents apparently really dislike me, despite all my attempts to welcome them in our home (making them snacks that I know they like, as they are very choosy, putting a lot of thought into a mothers' day gift, running out to drive them to and fro to save them from too much walking when they visit, etc.) I am not perfect. I did have a fight with one of my fiancee's sister's when I felt really pushed into a corner and upset, and I take full responsibility for my share of it, and have given written apology. (no apology for me though.) I understand this could sour their opinion of me slightly, but they HATE me for other reasons, such as
1. being white, not Indian.
2. Wanting to go out west to grad school, as that's where my top program is (they don't want their son far away from them)
3. getting into said grad school, and compromising to defer for a year so my fiancee can pursue a great job offer (apparently this shows I don't care about grad school enough, even though they don' really understand why I would want/need to go in the first place.)
4. They thought I was "phony" when they first met me over a year ago, when I was faced with the ENTIRE family at x-mas time AND came down with the stomach bug.
The list goes on and on, and I am desperate for advice. I love my fiancee to death, but how do I handle his whole family hating me? He knows his family is tough and he keeps saying he'd choose me over them (which I would never want him to do), but I am terrified of entering a family with so much opposition to me, especially as I have a very easy going, loving family. I never thought this would happen to me! How do you deal with in-laws who despise you?
my father is not attending my wedding b/c he doesnt feel my fh is the right choice for me b/c:
he is not catholic
he is not of the same culture/nationality
he is divorced
he has a son with his ex-wife
i know it's hard for my fh, especially since his parents are so welcoming and gracious to me.... while i will always love my father, he has grown to learn that just b/c he doesnt think it's the right choice for me , i am still gonna do what i'm gonna do.
i'm done pleasing everyone and having my happiness take a backseat... so basically i told my dad - he can attend, he can choose not to attend -that is up to him.. but i am not going to not get married b/c of that... and while i love him, i must move forward with my (soon to be) husband...
my advice is to not give it another thought... just go on with life with your fh as you should - and make your choices based on your collective needs, not anyone else's ---parents or not... the more you think about it or try to rectify it, the more attention you're giving it, thus making you more stressed out
nobody can live your life but you - so do what makes you happy! hang in there!!
I feel for you. The only advice I can give you is to hang in there. My family sounds a lot like your in-laws; super picky and suspicious of outsiders. They had the same response to more than one of my now in-laws; constant sniping about the person, open criticism, etc. Just be yourself and, as time goes on, hopefully they will get to know you and realize what a great person you are and mellow out. That's what happened in our cases. But it did take a while.
My MIL wasn't too hot on me either. I didn't know for a while however, that it was just mostly what I represented (taking her son's time away from her) as opposed to me as a person. So, obviously, we didn't get along for many years. With that said, I'm not sure if you can do anything to make his family accept you, especially if they dislike you for the reasons you mentioned. You can't do anything about not being Indian, no matter how hard you try! Most of the other things you mentioned just sound like an excuse for them to justify why they don't like you, and that maybe the first reason is the real reason that steers their behavior. My best advice would be to continue to do you. Keep treating your FI well, and show them respect whenever you're around them. They sound very traditional, and they might be disappointed that he's marrying outside of their culture. Hopefully they'll get over it. As long as it doesn't bring a lot of tension into your relationship with your FH, then just wait it out. You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar (I think that's how the saying goes - who wants to attract flies..ew).
BTW - As far as your FSIL's, you don't ever have to be disrespected and pushed around to try to please them......
This is hard...but there are many things you're gonna have to accept and LEARN TO LIVE with it:
1. You're not Indian.
2. Your 'temper' preceeds you.
3. You're not Indian.
4. You're stealing their son away from their culture.
5. You're not Indian.
No, is not a typo...they're older generation and some cultures and individuals really wish that their children stay within that culture.
I have a very similar problem. I'm not chinese and I'm not a size 0...to my in laws ...my FI loving someone like me is wasting his life and all their efforts and suffering. Yep, that's how it goes...6 yrs. later...it hasn't changed much.
I believe it will be easier when you ACCEPT that they might never like you...that they DON'T like you right now! It is not in your hands to change their mind and you most likely will NEVER fully change their minds. I know it sounds a little depressing. If you're anything like me...you probably dreamed of big family reunions and parties...of the MIL loving you and calling you daughter or at least anything friendlier than "that woman".
For your sake...I hope you have the patience of a saint...you will need it. I hope you love your FI more than you ever loved anyone...you're gonna need that love and support.
I think that as long as you and your FI are a team that loves and respects each other. You will be fine. Your family should more than make up for the lack of love, rudeness and insults for years to come.
Some MILs for some reason assume they can walk all over the DIL and everything will be peachy. They get awfully bitchy when you defend yourself.
This is a really tough situation... My advice is to stay with the man you love (and who loves you in return) and just focus on your relationship. Continue to be polite to his family but keep your distance. Hopefully they will come around, but if they don't, well, unfortunately family doesn't always act the way we want them to. Good luck! Oh, and try to remind yourself that no matter what they say this has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them.
Even if you get ignored or get rude comments thrown your way...don't forget birthdays, holidays and politeness...don't fake it...just do it.
That's how my FI shuts his mom up...she has nothing to pick on me. As silly as it sounds or annoying...we keep track of things we don't even care about.
You know, it's their loss. You sound like someone most people would be happy and proud to have as a daughter-in-law. And by disliking you and showing it, they will ultimately ensure that they see a lot less of their son. So it's doubly their loss.
My advice would be - don't let it be any harder on you than it is on your FI. He says he would choose you over them. You say you don't want him to have to. But you're not the one behaving in a way that will ultimately force that choice - they are. And if they are going to lay down that line, they have to be prepared for him to step over it.
It sounds to me as if he actually has accepted that they may never like you, or he wouldn't talk about those kinds of choices. He certainly knows his family, and what might be expected of them. But in the event that he loses his family, he gains two new ones - you family, which I trust is accepting of him, and the new family that comprises you and him - and the children you eventually have.
You may find that your FILs come around eventually, when and if you have kids. You may find that they don't, and that they blame you for taking their son away. All you can do is know that you really didn't do that - they pushed you away together. If that's a choice he is willing to make, I think it just shows how much he loves you. You're really a lucky woman.
To all who have commented: i can't thank you enough. My eyes are brimming with tears just reading all your advice and kind words, and it is good to know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way! Keep the advice coming, each bit is helping tremendously. You all rock!
I have had a rough time with my FILs, too. My situation had more to do with "status" than culture. I went to a good private college and am a teacher. My FI is in grad school at an ivy league school and will be a doctor. No one would be good enough. Has your FI had a talk with them without you there??
This helped in my situation. He stood up and told them what's what. It has helped a lot. His mom seems to have been embarassed and backed down. It's a nice change! I agree with V's comment... don't give them reason to nitpick.
I had this same problem with a guy I was interested in in high school and briefly with my own family and my husband. I am sorry you are so upset, and I know how you feel. Dealing with parents who have such different expectations than our own is really difficult. In my case, it was because I wasn't Korean. It turns out the guy wasn't worth it, mainly because he wasn't willing to stick up for me to his mom. I think it helped because I showed so much interest in Korean culture and learning, culturally, what was polite and how to act around her and her family- how to eat, what to eat, even words of respect in Korean (and in the end, she liked me more than the next girl he went out with because of this, and because of my dedication to schoolwork). That said, it sounds like you are doing your best. Keep showing interest, trying to be as polite as you can and asking your FI what else you can do as well as what else HE can do. It may just be that you will have a rough relationship with his family, which is very difficult, but you love your FI and you two are happy together, so focus on that. Your in-laws will hopefully come around when they see this, or at least be polite.
Oh and I know this is pretty unrelated, but in case you are looking for some interesting reading and you haven't read it already, try Jhumpa Lahiri's books - they deal with Indian-American cultural conflicts between children and parents, and I found stories like this kind of therapeutic when I was having a tough time with parents. The whole "I'm not alone" thing. But ignore me if you have read them already or think it might just make you focus on it more :)
Just make sure that you and your FI always present a united front to the in laws. Not that I think that your FI would ever purposely undermine you, but just make sure he understands how important it is to you. It's not him choosing between you, it's just him always standing up for you and never giving them any ammunition.
Ditto what everyone else has said...you'll never change their minds.
I have a friend who was in the same situation. She married into an Indian family, there was threat of her now-husband being disowned, etc. etc. There was even an appeal to her dad from the in-laws to stop it from happening (which I found really laughable b/c it was her dad's ethnicity that they objected to in the first place). BUT in the end, they showed up at the wedding, kept their mouths shut (around the non-family guests anyway), and now the couple has a baby boy and the ILs are around all the time. Nothing's changed as far as them liking her, but they all coexist in relative peace.
To be honest, the few hours that I was around them, I felt that the dislike came more from the MIL than the FIL (he actually smiled at the wedding). If you get that feeling, maybe you can try some subtle overtures to get that person on your side. If you get one or two family members saying, "Oh, come on, she's not a bad person" things might at least thaw a little.
Consider yourself lucky that *you* have such a loving family and be confident that your FH loves you so much. Don't bend over backwards to please people who dislike you for no rational reason, and who probably never will. If you're a "sunny side of life" kind of person, maybe you can hold out hopefor a "mellowing" over time that turns into acceptance.
I do think a lot of it is that I came in with totall different expectations about how family *is,* as my family is so utterly different. I see how my family accepts my sister-in-law as a surrogate daughter, realizing that she, like everybody, is not perfect. They treat my fiancee the same way. We're also all very open and talk freely about our feelings, etc. I actually get more of a bad vibe from my FFIL, as he is pretty much the decision-maker in the family, and my FMIL is pretty passive (i.e. he orders for her, makes all decisions, etc). I would never want to be like that, so I don't know why it's so important to me to have their approval. Also, it would be so nice if the siblings liked me, but they didn't really give me much of a chance. When we all met it was xmas time and they hadn't seen each other and were very clique-y- understandable, but I also feel that when a new guest enters the situation, you kinda shoud reach out to them a little. Like I said, the argument I had with one of the sisters did perhaps irrepairable harm, but I just couldn't hold my tongue any longer after feeling so slighted by her. I hope the other siblings start to realize that I made a mistake, but their sister did too, but they don't seem to willing to consider it. It makes me really scared to spend time with the family, but if I opt out or make excuses not to, that would just be giving them more fodder.
Thank you all for all your suggestion- it's been so therapeutic. Katze- I have read Jhumpa Lahiri, (first two books), and they do give me some insightm and also make me realize how very differently I was brought up.
I know I'm late to this, but I just wanted to chime in a little....
I agree that if your FI hasn't already sat down and talked to his family about how they're treating you, that is imperative and might make a big difference. It sounds like his father is the threatening type, but if his son stands up to him and won't back down, maybe they'll all see how serious he is, and that they risk losing him if they won't accept you. They don't have to be your best friend, but they have to respect you and accept you as his wife. If they expect to be respected as elders, you and their son deserve some respect in return.
Would it also be possible for you to plan any one-on-one time with his family members? When they're all a united front standing against you, of course it can be intimidating. But if you have the opportunity to sit down with each one of them individually, explain to them how much you love their brother/son, and how much you want to be accepted by them and learn about their culture, they might have a bit more sympathy and understanding for your situation. They might also have a newfound respect for you for going out of your way to face each one of them individually, as they're obviously trying to intimidate you.
Also, out of curiosity, are any of your FI's siblings married yet? If he is the first to get married, that might have a lot to do with it.
I am going through a similar situation myself, and my advice to you is: be the best person you know how to be. Know that you walk away from every encounter with them (or as many encounters as humanly possible) believing that you said and did the best you could. After that, if they don't like you, there's nothing else left to be done. The only person you can control is you.
For me, I found a lot of peace when I reconciled myself with the idea that no matter what I do, they will never love me and I will never please them. If it sounds depressing, that's not how I think about it - in fact, its sort of freeing. When they annoy and frustrate me, I try to think positively (along the lines of 'everyone has something to teach you') and when I can't take it anymore my FI sees to it that I can get some space. It made me less afraid to walk out of the room (as politely as possible) when their criticism or attitude is too much to take; it also meant that I could be a lot more relaxed since I didn't have to try so hard to stay within their lines. Having an understanding and supportive FI is crucial to this, and I'm so glad you have his whole-hearted support.
So my advice, in a nutshell is: do your best, and be proud of the way you behave. That's the best you can do - and some people are simply impossible to please.
A lot of good advice here! I was in a similar situation, though a little better than yours. My now FILs absolutely hated me when I started dating FH -- while we're the same nationality (Chinese), we came from two very different backgrounds which they immediately judged me for. Also he is the oldest son, and they viewed me as very aggressive and taking their boy away from there. There was about 1-2 years of bad blood and frustration during college. Finally his mother cracked and decided that if were still together after all this time then we must be serious and she'd try her best to give me a shot. His father was still very cold towards me. But after a lot of emotional struggle, I knew I couldn't do anything about how they felt, I could only control the way I was and whether they liked me or not, I was going to put my best face forward and be as kind to them as I could. Finally about a year ago (at our 4 yr mark), I felt a pretty significant change in their behavior towards me. More welcoming, attempting to be more inclusive, etc. I think they were finally able to put aside their preconceived notions about the person they thought I was, and actually see who I was -- a woman that cared deeply for their son, supportive and encouraging and someone who would be by his side for the rest of his life!
Anyway, now we're engaged and while I'm still a little uncertain as to how his dad REALLY feels about me (I think a little part of him still wishes I were someone else), his mom loves me and my family and is as excited as I am for this wedding. Since we had thought it would take kids for them to like me, I am extremely glad it didn't have to get dragged out til then =P. But I do hope that gives you a bit of hope for the future. You sound like a wonderful person and hopefully with time, they will start singing a different tune -- they'd be foolish not to!
You are definitely goign through a lot of hurt right now. But I think his parents are too. Indians have a very rich and ancient culture but in a country where you are absolutely the minority, it is something that can be very hard to hold on to. Maybe his parents are not just upset because of the usual reasons (eldest son getting married etc etc), but also because they feel by marrying you, he and their precious future grandchildren will be losing out on a culture that their wholes lives have been entiwined in. Not to mention, you fought with one of their children regardless of circumstances, which they probably took very badly.
I think you should of course remain very polite with the family, continue to be super sweet and I think one total home-run thing you can do is learn about the culture. This is very very important. Learn about their religion, learn about their food (how to make it, eat it etc). Learn about clothing, music, history. Learn about Indian wedding customs and try to incorporate them. Ask for their input!
Your kids are goign to get immersed in American traditions anyway if you stay here. It's the Indian traditions that you (hopefully) want them to know about and it is probably the #1 concern of his parents. Show them you respect them and what they stand for and they will start to respect you, even if begrudgingly. And once they come over, the siblings will too. I have a feeling that the siblings are taking their cues from the parents and are resentful of you only because you are the reason their parents are upset. Once the parents start coming over to your side, the siblings will too.
GOOD LUCK! I know learning about a totally foreign culture and ingratiating yourself to hostile people is in no way easy but they are the ones who raised your wonderful FI and that is the culture he comes from so do it for his, and both of your sakes :) I know you'll win them all over!
I'm really devastated right now, and could use all the advice I can get. I've known for some time that my future in-laws aren't my buggest fans, but apparently, according to in-siblings, they pretty much hate me, and the siblings dont feel that hot about me either. Now, I know I'm a good person- I'm a hard worker, am planning on going on to grad school for a very socially-minded career, have worked as a teacher prior to this. I adore their son and do my best to take care of him (as he does me) and I think we have a very healthy, loving relationship. However, his parents apparently really dislike me, despite all my attempts to welcome them in our home (making them snacks that I know they like, as they are very choosy, putting a lot of thought into a mothers' day gift, running out to drive them to and fro to save them from too much walking when they visit, etc.) I am not perfect. I did have a fight with one of my fiancee's sister's when I felt really pushed into a corner and upset, and I take full responsibility for my share of it, and have given written apology. (no apology for me though.) I understand this could sour their opinion of me slightly, but they HATE me for other reasons, such as
1. being white, not Indian.
2. Wanting to go out west to grad school, as that's where my top program is (they don't want their son far away from them)
3. getting into said grad school, and compromising to defer for a year so my fiancee can pursue a great job offer (apparently this shows I don't care about grad school enough, even though they don' really understand why I would want/need to go in the first place.)
4. They thought I was "phony" when they first met me over a year ago, when I was faced with the ENTIRE family at x-mas time AND came down with the stomach bug.
The list goes on and on, and I am desperate for advice. I love my fiancee to death, but how do I handle his whole family hating me? He knows his family is tough and he keeps saying he'd choose me over them (which I would never want him to do), but I am terrified of entering a family with so much opposition to me, especially as I have a very easy going, loving family. I never thought this would happen to me! How do you deal with in-laws who despise you?
posted by Bunette 17 posts 6 months agothe shoe is on the other foot in my sitch...
my father is not attending my wedding b/c he doesnt feel my fh is the right choice for me b/c:
he is not catholic
he is not of the same culture/nationality
he is divorced
he has a son with his ex-wife
i know it's hard for my fh, especially since his parents are so welcoming and gracious to me.... while i will always love my father, he has grown to learn that just b/c he doesnt think it's the right choice for me , i am still gonna do what i'm gonna do.
i'm done pleasing everyone and having my happiness take a backseat... so basically i told my dad - he can attend, he can choose not to attend -that is up to him.. but i am not going to not get married b/c of that... and while i love him, i must move forward with my (soon to be) husband...
my advice is to not give it another thought... just go on with life with your fh as you should - and make your choices based on your collective needs, not anyone else's ---parents or not... the more you think about it or try to rectify it, the more attention you're giving it, thus making you more stressed out
nobody can live your life but you - so do what makes you happy! hang in there!!
posted by Anti-Zilla 385 posts 6 months agoHey Bunette--
I feel for you. The only advice I can give you is to hang in there. My family sounds a lot like your in-laws; super picky and suspicious of outsiders. They had the same response to more than one of my now in-laws; constant sniping about the person, open criticism, etc. Just be yourself and, as time goes on, hopefully they will get to know you and realize what a great person you are and mellow out. That's what happened in our cases. But it did take a while.
posted by rzblna 113 posts 6 months agoMy MIL wasn't too hot on me either. I didn't know for a while however, that it was just mostly what I represented (taking her son's time away from her) as opposed to me as a person. So, obviously, we didn't get along for many years. With that said, I'm not sure if you can do anything to make his family accept you, especially if they dislike you for the reasons you mentioned. You can't do anything about not being Indian, no matter how hard you try! Most of the other things you mentioned just sound like an excuse for them to justify why they don't like you, and that maybe the first reason is the real reason that steers their behavior. My best advice would be to continue to do you. Keep treating your FI well, and show them respect whenever you're around them. They sound very traditional, and they might be disappointed that he's marrying outside of their culture. Hopefully they'll get over it. As long as it doesn't bring a lot of tension into your relationship with your FH, then just wait it out. You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar (I think that's how the saying goes - who wants to attract flies..ew).
BTW - As far as your FSIL's, you don't ever have to be disrespected and pushed around to try to please them......
posted by mlindsey 175 posts 6 months ago(Mlindsey-- you want to attract flies so you can then whack them to death with your shoe.
)
posted by rzblna 113 posts 6 months agoThis is hard...but there are many things you're gonna have to accept and LEARN TO LIVE with it:
1. You're not Indian.
2. Your 'temper' preceeds you.
3. You're not Indian.
4. You're stealing their son away from their culture.
5. You're not Indian.
I have a very similar problem. I'm not chinese and I'm not a size 0...to my in laws ...my FI loving someone like me is wasting his life and all their efforts and suffering. Yep, that's how it goes...6 yrs. later...it hasn't changed much.
I believe it will be easier when you ACCEPT that they might never like you...that they DON'T like you right now! It is not in your hands to change their mind and you most likely will NEVER fully change their minds. I know it sounds a little depressing. If you're anything like me...you probably dreamed of big family reunions and parties...of the MIL loving you and calling you daughter or at least anything friendlier than "that woman".
For your sake...I hope you have the patience of a saint...you will need it. I hope you love your FI more than you ever loved anyone...you're gonna need that love and support.
I think that as long as you and your FI are a team that loves and respects each other. You will be fine. Your family should more than make up for the lack of love, rudeness and insults for years to come.
Some MILs for some reason assume they can walk all over the DIL and everything will be peachy. They get awfully bitchy when you defend yourself.
Good luck!
posted by V 228 posts 6 months agoThis is a really tough situation... My advice is to stay with the man you love (and who loves you in return) and just focus on your relationship. Continue to be polite to his family but keep your distance. Hopefully they will come around, but if they don't, well, unfortunately family doesn't always act the way we want them to. Good luck! Oh, and try to remind yourself that no matter what they say this has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them.
posted by misschickie 58 posts 6 months agoP.S. Oh yeah...do everything by the book....
Even if you get ignored or get rude comments thrown your way...don't forget birthdays, holidays and politeness...don't fake it...just do it.
That's how my FI shuts his mom up...she has nothing to pick on me. As silly as it sounds or annoying...we keep track of things we don't even care about.
posted by V 228 posts 6 months agoYou know, it's their loss. You sound like someone most people would be happy and proud to have as a daughter-in-law. And by disliking you and showing it, they will ultimately ensure that they see a lot less of their son. So it's doubly their loss.
My advice would be - don't let it be any harder on you than it is on your FI. He says he would choose you over them. You say you don't want him to have to. But you're not the one behaving in a way that will ultimately force that choice - they are. And if they are going to lay down that line, they have to be prepared for him to step over it.
It sounds to me as if he actually has accepted that they may never like you, or he wouldn't talk about those kinds of choices. He certainly knows his family, and what might be expected of them. But in the event that he loses his family, he gains two new ones - you family, which I trust is accepting of him, and the new family that comprises you and him - and the children you eventually have.
You may find that your FILs come around eventually, when and if you have kids. You may find that they don't, and that they blame you for taking their son away. All you can do is know that you really didn't do that - they pushed you away together. If that's a choice he is willing to make, I think it just shows how much he loves you. You're really a lucky woman.
posted by suzanno 1,955 posts 6 months agoTo all who have commented: i can't thank you enough. My eyes are brimming with tears just reading all your advice and kind words, and it is good to know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way! Keep the advice coming, each bit is helping tremendously. You all rock!
posted by Bunette 17 posts 6 months agoI have had a rough time with my FILs, too. My situation had more to do with "status" than culture. I went to a good private college and am a teacher. My FI is in grad school at an ivy league school and will be a doctor. No one would be good enough. Has your FI had a talk with them without you there??
This helped in my situation. He stood up and told them what's what. It has helped a lot. His mom seems to have been embarassed and backed down. It's a nice change! I agree with V's comment... don't give them reason to nitpick.
You aren't alone. Sons are precious.
posted by Dulaman8 33 posts 6 months agoI had this same problem with a guy I was interested in in high school and briefly with my own family and my husband. I am sorry you are so upset, and I know how you feel. Dealing with parents who have such different expectations than our own is really difficult. In my case, it was because I wasn't Korean. It turns out the guy wasn't worth it, mainly because he wasn't willing to stick up for me to his mom. I think it helped because I showed so much interest in Korean culture and learning, culturally, what was polite and how to act around her and her family- how to eat, what to eat, even words of respect in Korean (and in the end, she liked me more than the next girl he went out with because of this, and because of my dedication to schoolwork). That said, it sounds like you are doing your best. Keep showing interest, trying to be as polite as you can and asking your FI what else you can do as well as what else HE can do. It may just be that you will have a rough relationship with his family, which is very difficult, but you love your FI and you two are happy together, so focus on that. Your in-laws will hopefully come around when they see this, or at least be polite.
posted by katze 26 posts 6 months agoOh and I know this is pretty unrelated, but in case you are looking for some interesting reading and you haven't read it already, try Jhumpa Lahiri's books - they deal with Indian-American cultural conflicts between children and parents, and I found stories like this kind of therapeutic when I was having a tough time with parents. The whole "I'm not alone" thing. But ignore me if you have read them already or think it might just make you focus on it more :)
posted by katze 26 posts 6 months agoJust make sure that you and your FI always present a united front to the in laws. Not that I think that your FI would ever purposely undermine you, but just make sure he understands how important it is to you. It's not him choosing between you, it's just him always standing up for you and never giving them any ammunition.
posted by prettykatie 158 posts 6 months agoDitto what everyone else has said...you'll never change their minds.
I have a friend who was in the same situation. She married into an Indian family, there was threat of her now-husband being disowned, etc. etc. There was even an appeal to her dad from the in-laws to stop it from happening (which I found really laughable b/c it was her dad's ethnicity that they objected to in the first place). BUT in the end, they showed up at the wedding, kept their mouths shut (around the non-family guests anyway), and now the couple has a baby boy and the ILs are around all the time. Nothing's changed as far as them liking her, but they all coexist in relative peace.
To be honest, the few hours that I was around them, I felt that the dislike came more from the MIL than the FIL (he actually smiled at the wedding). If you get that feeling, maybe you can try some subtle overtures to get that person on your side. If you get one or two family members saying, "Oh, come on, she's not a bad person" things might at least thaw a little.
Consider yourself lucky that *you* have such a loving family and be confident that your FH loves you so much. Don't bend over backwards to please people who dislike you for no rational reason, and who probably never will. If you're a "sunny side of life" kind of person, maybe you can hold out hopefor a "mellowing" over time that turns into acceptance.
posted by princesskittyHI 297 posts 6 months agoI do think a lot of it is that I came in with totall different expectations about how family *is,* as my family is so utterly different. I see how my family accepts my sister-in-law as a surrogate daughter, realizing that she, like everybody, is not perfect. They treat my fiancee the same way. We're also all very open and talk freely about our feelings, etc. I actually get more of a bad vibe from my FFIL, as he is pretty much the decision-maker in the family, and my FMIL is pretty passive (i.e. he orders for her, makes all decisions, etc). I would never want to be like that, so I don't know why it's so important to me to have their approval. Also, it would be so nice if the siblings liked me, but they didn't really give me much of a chance. When we all met it was xmas time and they hadn't seen each other and were very clique-y- understandable, but I also feel that when a new guest enters the situation, you kinda shoud reach out to them a little. Like I said, the argument I had with one of the sisters did perhaps irrepairable harm, but I just couldn't hold my tongue any longer after feeling so slighted by her. I hope the other siblings start to realize that I made a mistake, but their sister did too, but they don't seem to willing to consider it. It makes me really scared to spend time with the family, but if I opt out or make excuses not to, that would just be giving them more fodder.
Thank you all for all your suggestion- it's been so therapeutic. Katze- I have read Jhumpa Lahiri, (first two books), and they do give me some insightm and also make me realize how very differently I was brought up.
posted by Bunette 17 posts 6 months agoI know I'm late to this, but I just wanted to chime in a little....
I agree that if your FI hasn't already sat down and talked to his family about how they're treating you, that is imperative and might make a big difference. It sounds like his father is the threatening type, but if his son stands up to him and won't back down, maybe they'll all see how serious he is, and that they risk losing him if they won't accept you. They don't have to be your best friend, but they have to respect you and accept you as his wife. If they expect to be respected as elders, you and their son deserve some respect in return.
Would it also be possible for you to plan any one-on-one time with his family members? When they're all a united front standing against you, of course it can be intimidating. But if you have the opportunity to sit down with each one of them individually, explain to them how much you love their brother/son, and how much you want to be accepted by them and learn about their culture, they might have a bit more sympathy and understanding for your situation. They might also have a newfound respect for you for going out of your way to face each one of them individually, as they're obviously trying to intimidate you.
Also, out of curiosity, are any of your FI's siblings married yet? If he is the first to get married, that might have a lot to do with it.
Good luck!
posted by cupcake 274 posts 6 months agoI am going through a similar situation myself, and my advice to you is: be the best person you know how to be. Know that you walk away from every encounter with them (or as many encounters as humanly possible) believing that you said and did the best you could. After that, if they don't like you, there's nothing else left to be done. The only person you can control is you.
For me, I found a lot of peace when I reconciled myself with the idea that no matter what I do, they will never love me and I will never please them. If it sounds depressing, that's not how I think about it - in fact, its sort of freeing. When they annoy and frustrate me, I try to think positively (along the lines of 'everyone has something to teach you') and when I can't take it anymore my FI sees to it that I can get some space. It made me less afraid to walk out of the room (as politely as possible) when their criticism or attitude is too much to take; it also meant that I could be a lot more relaxed since I didn't have to try so hard to stay within their lines. Having an understanding and supportive FI is crucial to this, and I'm so glad you have his whole-hearted support.
So my advice, in a nutshell is: do your best, and be proud of the way you behave. That's the best you can do - and some people are simply impossible to please.
Good luck. :)
posted by twomayflies 17 posts 6 months agoA lot of good advice here! I was in a similar situation, though a little better than yours. My now FILs absolutely hated me when I started dating FH -- while we're the same nationality (Chinese), we came from two very different backgrounds which they immediately judged me for. Also he is the oldest son, and they viewed me as very aggressive and taking their boy away from there. There was about 1-2 years of bad blood and frustration during college. Finally his mother cracked and decided that if were still together after all this time then we must be serious and she'd try her best to give me a shot. His father was still very cold towards me. But after a lot of emotional struggle, I knew I couldn't do anything about how they felt, I could only control the way I was and whether they liked me or not, I was going to put my best face forward and be as kind to them as I could. Finally about a year ago (at our 4 yr mark), I felt a pretty significant change in their behavior towards me. More welcoming, attempting to be more inclusive, etc. I think they were finally able to put aside their preconceived notions about the person they thought I was, and actually see who I was -- a woman that cared deeply for their son, supportive and encouraging and someone who would be by his side for the rest of his life!
Anyway, now we're engaged and while I'm still a little uncertain as to how his dad REALLY feels about me (I think a little part of him still wishes I were someone else), his mom loves me and my family and is as excited as I am for this wedding. Since we had thought it would take kids for them to like me, I am extremely glad it didn't have to get dragged out til then =P. But I do hope that gives you a bit of hope for the future. You sound like a wonderful person and hopefully with time, they will start singing a different tune -- they'd be foolish not to!
Take care and good luck!
posted by fadedblue 33 posts 6 months agoYikes.
You are definitely goign through a lot of hurt right now. But I think his parents are too. Indians have a very rich and ancient culture but in a country where you are absolutely the minority, it is something that can be very hard to hold on to. Maybe his parents are not just upset because of the usual reasons (eldest son getting married etc etc), but also because they feel by marrying you, he and their precious future grandchildren will be losing out on a culture that their wholes lives have been entiwined in. Not to mention, you fought with one of their children regardless of circumstances, which they probably took very badly.
I think you should of course remain very polite with the family, continue to be super sweet and I think one total home-run thing you can do is learn about the culture. This is very very important. Learn about their religion, learn about their food (how to make it, eat it etc). Learn about clothing, music, history. Learn about Indian wedding customs and try to incorporate them. Ask for their input!
Your kids are goign to get immersed in American traditions anyway if you stay here. It's the Indian traditions that you (hopefully) want them to know about and it is probably the #1 concern of his parents. Show them you respect them and what they stand for and they will start to respect you, even if begrudgingly. And once they come over, the siblings will too. I have a feeling that the siblings are taking their cues from the parents and are resentful of you only because you are the reason their parents are upset. Once the parents start coming over to your side, the siblings will too.
GOOD LUCK! I know learning about a totally foreign culture and ingratiating yourself to hostile people is in no way easy but they are the ones who raised your wonderful FI and that is the culture he comes from so do it for his, and both of your sakes :) I know you'll win them all over!
posted by ruby80 6 posts 6 months ago