Weddingbee boards

I'm really devastated right now, and could use all the advice I can get.  I've known for some time that my future in-laws aren't my buggest fans, but apparently, according to in-siblings, they pretty much hate me, and the siblings dont feel that hot about me either.  Now, I know I'm a good person- I'm a hard worker, am planning on going on to grad school for a very socially-minded career, have worked as a teacher prior to this.  I adore their son and do my best to take care of him (as he does me) and I think we have a very healthy, loving relationship.  However, his parents apparently really dislike me, despite all my attempts to welcome them in our home (making them snacks that I know they like, as they are very choosy, putting a lot of thought into a mothers' day gift, running out to drive them to and fro to save them from too much walking when they visit, etc.) I am not perfect.  I did have a fight with one of my fiancee's sister's when I felt really pushed into a corner and upset, and I take full responsibility for my share of it, and have given written apology. (no apology for me though.) I understand this could sour their opinion of me slightly, but they HATE me for other reasons, such as

1. being white, not Indian.

2. Wanting to go out west to grad school, as that's where my top program is (they don't want their son far away from them)

3. getting into said grad school, and compromising to defer for a year so my fiancee can pursue a great job offer (apparently this shows I don't care about grad school enough, even though they don' really understand why I would want/need to go in the first place.)

4. They thought I was "phony" when they first met me over a year ago, when I was faced with the ENTIRE family at x-mas time AND came down with the stomach bug.

The list goes on and on, and I am desperate for advice.  I love my fiancee to death, but how do I handle his whole family hating me?  He knows his family is tough and he keeps saying he'd choose me over them (which I would never want him to do), but I am terrified of entering a family with so much opposition to me, especially as I have a very easy going, loving family.  I never thought this would happen to me! How do you deal with in-laws who despise you?

To all who have commented:  i can't thank you enough.  My eyes are brimming with tears just reading all your advice and kind words, and it is good to know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way!  Keep the advice coming, each bit is helping tremendously.  You all rock!

I had this same problem with a guy I was interested in in high school and briefly with my own family and my husband. I am sorry you are so upset, and I know how you feel. Dealing with parents who have such different expectations than our own is really difficult. In my case, it was because I wasn't Korean. It turns out the guy wasn't worth it, mainly because he wasn't willing to stick up for me to his mom. I think it helped because I showed so much interest in Korean culture and learning, culturally, what was polite and how to act around her and her family- how to eat, what to eat, even words of respect in Korean (and in the end, she liked me more than the next girl he went out with because of this, and because of my dedication to schoolwork). That said, it sounds like you are doing your best. Keep showing interest, trying to be as polite as you can and asking your FI what else you can do as well as what else HE can do. It may just be that you will have a rough relationship with his family, which is very difficult, but you love your FI and you two are happy together, so focus on that. Your in-laws will hopefully come around when they see this, or at least be polite. 

Oh and I know this is pretty unrelated, but in case you are looking for some interesting reading and you haven't read it already, try Jhumpa Lahiri's books - they deal with Indian-American cultural conflicts between children and parents, and I found stories like this kind of therapeutic when I was having a tough time with parents. The whole "I'm not alone" thing. But ignore me if you have read them already or think it might just make you focus on it more :)

I do think a lot of it is that I came in with totall different expectations about how family *is,* as my family is so utterly different.  I see how my family accepts my sister-in-law as a surrogate daughter, realizing that she, like everybody, is not perfect.  They treat my fiancee the same way.  We're also all very open and talk freely about our feelings, etc.  I actually get more of a bad vibe from my FFIL, as he is pretty much the decision-maker in the family, and my FMIL is pretty passive (i.e. he orders for her, makes all decisions, etc).  I would never want to be like that, so I don't know why it's so important to me to have their approval.  Also, it would be so nice if the siblings liked me, but they didn't really give me much of a chance.  When we all met it was xmas time and they hadn't seen each other and were very clique-y- understandable, but I also feel that when a new guest enters the situation, you kinda shoud reach out to them a little.  Like I said, the argument I had with one of the sisters did perhaps irrepairable harm, but I just couldn't hold my tongue any longer after feeling so slighted by her.  I hope the other siblings start to realize that I made a mistake, but their sister did too, but they don't seem to willing to consider it.  It makes me really scared to spend time with the family, but if I opt out or make excuses not to, that would just be giving them more fodder. 

Thank you all for all your suggestion- it's been so therapeutic.  Katze- I have read Jhumpa Lahiri, (first two books), and they do give me some insightm and also make me realize how very differently I was brought up. 

I am going through a similar situation myself, and my advice to you is:  be the best person you know how to be. Know that you walk away from every encounter with them (or as many encounters as humanly possible) believing that you said and did the best you could.  After that, if they don't like you, there's nothing else left to be done.  The only person you can control is you.

For me, I found a lot of peace when I reconciled myself with the idea that no matter what I do, they will never love me and I will never please them.  If it sounds depressing, that's not how I think about it - in fact, its sort of freeing.  When they annoy and frustrate me, I try to think positively (along the lines of 'everyone has something to teach you') and when I can't take it anymore my FI sees to it that I can get some space.  It made me less afraid to walk out of the room (as politely as possible) when their criticism or attitude is too much to take; it also meant that I could be a lot more relaxed since I didn't have to try so hard to stay within their lines.  Having an understanding and  supportive FI is crucial to this, and I'm so glad you have his whole-hearted support.

So my advice, in a nutshell is: do your best, and be proud of the way you behave.  That's the best you can do - and some people are simply impossible to please. 

 Good luck. :)

A lot of good advice here! I was in a similar situation, though a little better than yours. My now FILs absolutely hated me when I started dating FH -- while we're the same nationality (Chinese), we came from two very different backgrounds which they immediately judged me for. Also he is the oldest son, and they viewed me as very aggressive and taking their boy away from there. There was about 1-2 years of bad blood and frustration during college. Finally his mother cracked and decided that if were still together after all this time then we must be serious and she'd try her best to give me a shot. His father was still very cold towards me. But after a lot of emotional struggle, I knew I couldn't do anything about how they felt, I could only control the way I was and whether they liked me or not, I was going to put my best face forward and be as kind to them as I could. Finally about a year ago (at our 4 yr mark), I felt a pretty significant change in their behavior towards me. More welcoming, attempting to be more inclusive, etc. I think they were finally able to put aside their preconceived notions about the person they thought I was, and actually see who I was -- a woman that cared deeply for their son, supportive and encouraging and someone who would be by his side for the rest of his life!

Anyway, now we're engaged and while I'm still a little uncertain as to how his dad REALLY feels about me (I think a little part of him still wishes I were someone else), his mom loves me and my family and is as excited as I am for this wedding. Since we had thought it would take kids for them to like me, I am extremely glad it didn't have to get dragged out til then =P. But I do hope that gives you a bit of hope for the future. You sound like a wonderful person and hopefully with time, they will start singing a different tune -- they'd be foolish not to!

Take care and good luck!

Yikes.

You are definitely goign through a lot of hurt right now. But I think his parents are too. Indians have a very rich and ancient culture but in a country where you are absolutely the minority, it is something that can be very hard to hold on to. Maybe his parents are not just upset because of the usual reasons (eldest son getting married etc etc), but also because they feel by marrying you, he and their precious future grandchildren will be losing out on a culture that their wholes lives have been entiwined in. Not to mention, you fought with one of their children regardless of circumstances, which they probably took very badly.

I think you should of course remain very polite with the family, continue to be super sweet and I think one total home-run thing you can do is learn about the culture. This is very very important. Learn about their religion, learn about their food (how to make it, eat it etc). Learn about clothing, music, history. Learn about Indian wedding customs and try to incorporate them. Ask for their input!

Your kids are goign to get immersed in American traditions anyway if you stay here. It's the Indian traditions that you (hopefully) want them to know about and it is probably the #1 concern of his parents. Show them you respect them and what they stand for and they will start to respect you, even if begrudgingly. And once they come over, the siblings will too. I have a feeling that the siblings are taking their cues from the parents and are resentful of you only because you are the reason their parents are upset. Once the parents start coming over to your side, the siblings will too.

GOOD LUCK! I know learning about a totally foreign culture and ingratiating yourself to hostile people is in no way easy but they are the ones who raised your wonderful FI and that is the culture he comes from so do it for his, and both of your sakes :) I know you'll win them all over!

Bunette, I know exactly how you feel, since I'm going through a very similar situation with my FILs... my FI and I being from different cultures, my family being warm and welcoming, his not so much... I also fought with the FBIL after a week of him berating and mocking me to my face and I couldn't be polite anymore and ignore it and I said something back to him... which might not have been the wisest of moves in terms of in-law harmony, but I had to say something for my own self esteem.  (I suspect your fight with you FSIL was probably similarly motivated.)

FMIL hates me ever since I dared to say anything negative about her other (the eldest and obviously her favorite) son, I suspect FBIL always hated me, and they both now completely ignore my existence.  It also leaves a very sour taste in my mouth though whenever I think of my wedding and them being there... which is childish and dramatic, I know, I can't help it.

The way I've been handling the situation, like others have suggested, is to come to terms with how they will probably never like me no matter what I do and being okay with that.  And really, you should feel sorry for your FILs because they are pushing away their son and you, a truly wonderful person.  It really is them and not you!

Sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. I'm Mexican and my fiancee is white. I'm 8 years OLDER than him. His parents have reservations, and his grandmother totally hates me. His sister is my "frenemy." As if getting married wasn't stressful enough, right? I did have a hard time accepting this and sometimes I would cry, but then I figured - we love each other, we make each other happy, and no one else matters. You can't live your life pleasing other people. You can only make yourself happy and if happiness for you is being in love w/ your fiancee and marrying him - so be it!!

You only get 1 life, and it's a short one: enjoy what you have when you have it because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Good luck!