(Closed) desperate for advice: future inlaws hate me (long…)

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

the shoe is on the other foot in my sitch…

my father is not attending my wedding b/c he doesnt feel my fh is the right choice for me b/c:

he is not catholic

he is not of the same culture/nationality

he is divorced

he has a son with his ex-wife

i know it’s hard for my fh, especially since his parents are so welcoming and gracious to me…. while i will always love my father, he has grown to learn that just b/c he doesnt think it’s the right choice for  me , i am still gonna do what i’m gonna do.

i’m done pleasing everyone and having my happiness take a backseat…  so basically i told my dad – he can attend, he can choose not to attend -that is up to him.. but i am not going to not get married b/c of that… and while i love him, i must move forward with my (soon to be) husband…

my advice is to not give it another thought…  just go on with life with your fh as you should – and make your choices based on your collective needs, not anyone else’s —parents or not…  the more you think about it or try to rectify it, the more attention you’re giving it, thus making you more stressed out

nobody can live your life but you – so do what makes you happy!  hang in there!!

Post # 4
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Hey Bunette–

I feel for you.  The only advice I can give you is to hang in there.  My family sounds a lot like your in-laws; super picky and suspicious of outsiders.  They had the same response to more than one of my now in-laws; constant sniping about the person, open criticism, etc.  Just be yourself and, as time goes on, hopefully they will get to know you and realize what a great person you are and mellow out.  That’s what happened in our cases.  But it did take a while. 

Post # 5
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

My MIL wasn’t too hot on me either. I didn’t know for a while however, that it was just mostly what I represented (taking her son’s time away from her) as opposed to me as a person. So, obviously, we didn’t get along for many years. With that said, I’m not sure if you can do anything to make his family accept you, especially if they dislike you for the reasons you mentioned.  You can’t do anything about not being Indian, no matter how hard you try! Most of the other things you mentioned just sound like an excuse for them to justify why they don’t like you, and that maybe the first reason is the real reason that steers their behavior. My best advice would be to continue to do you. Keep treating your FI well, and show them respect whenever you’re around them. They sound very traditional, and they might be disappointed that he’s marrying outside of their culture. Hopefully they’ll get over it.  As long as it doesn’t bring a lot of tension into your relationship with your FH, then just wait it out. You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar (I think that’s how the saying goes – who wants to attract flies..ew). 

BTW – As far as your FSIL’s, you don’t ever have to be disrespected and pushed around to try to please them……

Post # 6
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

(Mlindsey– you want to attract flies so you can then whack them to death with your shoe.  )

Post # 7
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

This is hard…but there are many things you’re gonna have to accept and LEARN TO LIVE with it:

1. You’re not Indian.

2. Your ‘temper’ preceeds you.

3. You’re not Indian.

4. You’re stealing their son away from their culture.

5. You’re not Indian.

 No, is not a typo…they’re older generation and some cultures and individuals really wish that their children stay within that culture.

I have a very similar problem. I’m not chinese and I’m not a size 0…to my in laws …my FI loving someone like me is wasting his life and all their efforts and suffering. Yep, that’s how it goes…6 yrs. later…it hasn’t changed much.

I believe it will be easier when you ACCEPT that they might never like you…that they DON’T like you right now! It is not in your hands to change their mind and you most likely will NEVER fully change their minds. I know it sounds a little depressing. If you’re anything like me…you probably dreamed of big family reunions and parties…of the MIL loving you and calling you daughter or at least anything friendlier than "that woman".

For your sake…I hope you have the patience of a saint…you will need it. I hope you love your FI more than you ever loved anyone…you’re gonna need that love and support.

I think that as long as you and your FI are a team that loves and respects each other. You will be fine. Your family should more than make up for the lack of love, rudeness and insults for years to come.

Some MILs for some reason assume they can walk all over the DIL and everything will be peachy. They get awfully bitchy when you defend yourself.

Good luck! 

Post # 8
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This is a really tough situation… My advice is to stay with the man you love (and who loves you in return) and just focus on your relationship.  Continue to be polite to his family but keep your distance.  Hopefully they will come around, but if they don’t, well, unfortunately family doesn’t always act the way we want them to.  Good luck!  Oh, and try to remind yourself that no matter what they say this has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them.

Post # 9
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

P.S. Oh yeah…do everything by the book….

Even if you get ignored or get rude comments thrown your way…don’t forget birthdays, holidays and politeness…don’t fake it…just do it. 

That’s how my FI shuts his mom up…she has nothing to pick on me. As silly as it sounds or annoying…we keep track of things we don’t even care about. 

Post # 10
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You know, it’s their loss.  You sound like someone most people would be happy and proud to have as a daughter-in-law.  And by disliking you and showing it, they will ultimately ensure that they see a lot less of their son.  So it’s doubly their loss.

My advice would be – don’t let it be any harder on you than it is on your FI.  He says he would choose you over them.  You say you don’t want him to have to.  But you’re not the one behaving in a way that will ultimately force that choice – they are.  And if they are going to lay down that line, they have to be prepared for him to step over it.

It sounds to me as if he actually has accepted that they may never like you, or he wouldn’t talk about those kinds of choices.  He certainly  knows his family, and what might be expected of them.  But in the event that he loses his family, he gains two new ones – you family, which I trust is accepting of him, and the new family that comprises you and him – and the children you eventually have.

You may find that your FILs come around eventually, when and if you have kids.  You may find that they don’t, and that they blame you for taking their son away.  All you can do is know that you really didn’t do that – they pushed you away together.  If that’s a choice he is willing to make, I think it just shows how much he loves you.  You’re really a lucky woman. 

Post # 12
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I have had a rough time with my FILs, too.  My situation had more to do with "status" than culture. I went to a good private college and am a teacher. My FI is in grad school at an ivy league school and will be a doctor. No one would be good enough. Has your FI had a talk with them without you there?? 

 

This helped in my situation. He stood up and told them what’s what. It has helped a lot. His mom seems to have been embarassed and backed down. It’s a nice change! I agree with V’s comment… don’t give them reason to nitpick.

You aren’t alone. Sons are precious.

Post # 13
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I had this same problem with a guy I was interested in in high school and briefly with my own family and my husband. I am sorry you are so upset, and I know how you feel. Dealing with parents who have such different expectations than our own is really difficult. In my case, it was because I wasn’t Korean. It turns out the guy wasn’t worth it, mainly because he wasn’t willing to stick up for me to his mom. I think it helped because I showed so much interest in Korean culture and learning, culturally, what was polite and how to act around her and her family- how to eat, what to eat, even words of respect in Korean (and in the end, she liked me more than the next girl he went out with because of this, and because of my dedication to schoolwork). That said, it sounds like you are doing your best. Keep showing interest, trying to be as polite as you can and asking your FI what else you can do as well as what else HE can do. It may just be that you will have a rough relationship with his family, which is very difficult, but you love your FI and you two are happy together, so focus on that. Your in-laws will hopefully come around when they see this, or at least be polite. 

 

Post # 14
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Oh and I know this is pretty unrelated, but in case you are looking for some interesting reading and you haven’t read it already, try Jhumpa Lahiri’s books – they deal with Indian-American cultural conflicts between children and parents, and I found stories like this kind of therapeutic when I was having a tough time with parents. The whole "I’m not alone" thing. But ignore me if you have read them already or think it might just make you focus on it more 🙂

Post # 15
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Just make sure that you and your FI always present a united front to the in laws. Not that I think that your FI would ever purposely undermine you, but just make sure he understands how important it is to you. It’s not him choosing between you, it’s just him always standing up for you and never giving them any ammunition. 

Post # 16
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

Ditto what everyone else has said…you’ll never change their minds.

I have a friend who was in the same situation. She married into an Indian family, there was threat of her now-husband being disowned, etc. etc. There was even an appeal to her dad from the in-laws to stop it from happening (which I found really laughable b/c it was her dad’s ethnicity that they objected to in the first place). BUT in the end, they showed up at the wedding, kept their mouths shut (around the non-family guests anyway), and now the couple has a baby boy and the ILs are around all the time. Nothing’s changed as far as them liking her, but they all coexist in relative peace.

To be honest, the few hours that I was around them, I felt that the dislike came more from the MIL than the FIL (he actually smiled at the wedding). If you get that feeling, maybe you can try some subtle overtures to get that person on your side. If you get one or two family members saying, "Oh, come on, she’s not a bad person" things might at least thaw a little. 

Consider yourself lucky that *you* have such a loving family and be confident that your FH loves you so much. Don’t bend over backwards to please people who dislike you for no rational reason, and who probably never will.  If you’re a "sunny side of life" kind of person, maybe you can hold out hopefor a "mellowing" over time that turns into acceptance.

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