Desperately need advice about my MOH (Long)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

Keep her in the wedding, and then afterwards slowly draw back from the friendship. I know you said she mentioned the trouble with jobs etc when talking about the dress appointment, but besides that have you guys talked about other stuff recently or is it mainly wedding stuff? She might feel resentful if that’s all you talk about.

Post # 4
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

The question you have to ask yourself is if you want to continue the friendship or not.

I’m NOT of the camp that the MOH/BMs are just supposed to show up and look pretty, so I would be beyond annoyed that she didn’t make the dress appointment after you paid her way to go. I also think she should have been planning her shower and bachelorette party. And, as miserable as she is in her life, she needs to set that aside and be a good friend to you and be supportive of this time in your life. If she can’t do that, then she needs to say that and step down as MOH – come as a BM or a guest.

If you want to continue the friendship, it’s time to have a serious heart to heart with her about where she is in her life and how it’s affecting you and how to be a good friend.

If you’re less inclined to keep the friendship going, I would ask her to step down as MOH and come as a BM or guest. Tell her you think it’s too much responsibility for her. This really might cause a huge fight and ruin the friendship though, so be forewarned.

Post # 5
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@linnylou_88:  based on how she treated you on your trip together, it seems like maybe you guys were rifting apart, and it has nothing to do with the wedding. Some friendships, as much as we want them to, don’t last forever. I would ask your friend to step down as the MOH, explaining that since she’s had a tough year, it would be better for you and her if she solely focused on her job situation.  Then you should discuss the overall friendship. Tell her you are willing to put in an effort to make it work. If she says she is as well, then continue the friendship. If you continue to see a lack of effort made on her part, talk to her again and let her know that you feel this relationship needs a break. Best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@linnylou_88:  Well it sounds like your friendship, besides those few months after vacation, is good besides the wedding side of it. She may be slightly resentful that you are getting married and she is still single, but she may not.

Post # 9
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

It sounds like your MOH just isn’t in a wedding frame of mind right now. Just because you are in a wedding frame of mind, that doesn’t mean that she has to be. Sometimes it hurts to see a friend moving on to a new stage of life when you know that you are just not there, and maybe even doubt whether you’ll ever get there. Can you accept that MOH is just not going to be excited about your wedding? Can you still consider her a friend even if she isn’t into this one thing? Weddings can bring out the good things about relatiobnships, and they can also bring out the sticking points. It’s up to you to decide if you want to work through this sticking point with your friend.

EDIT: FWIW, 11 months before the wedding is a really long time ahead to be planning a hen do. Now if it were 2 months pre-wedding, that’s a different story. But your weding is still 11 months away. That is the entire length of many engagements. It’s still really far away.

 

Post # 10
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I don’t think there is any reason she should have been planning your bachelorette party yet…that is something that can wait until a couple of months before even! But what I find extremely rude for her to have done is not gone to your SM dress fitting when you went as far as to pay for her train ticket! It really seems like she had NO plans to come in the first place and was just fooling you. So inconsiderate! 

That comment on your holiday, if it was as scathing as it comes across in your post, is rude enough as is. A best friend would at least pretend interest in your wedding if it came up. If she continues to be outspoken about not caring about your wedding I would just give her the option to step down if she likes. 

Post # 11
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@linnylou_88:  I do agree w/ the others about it being too early to start planning a bachelorette party. 11 months is kind of early, I don’t think I was planning it at that time.

Honestly, she might not be excited (and I wouldn’t expect her to be as excited as you, especially since you’ve been engaged for 2 years and the excitement wears off) OR she just might not show it in a way you are expecting. She might be genuinely happy for you, but just not ask you about how the wedding planning is going.

Unless she’s recently engaged or married, I wouldn’t expect her to be excited about things as you are.

So for those reasons, I’m sort of changing my answer – I feel like I’m missing something from the equation here – all of a sudden because she doesn’t ask you often enough about how wedding planning is going, you feel less close to her?

Post # 12
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

A month after my friend asked me to be her MOH, I got divorced. My ex-husband also told me he was getting remarried. That time in my life was HARD! I was hurting so much. My friend also was calling me and wondering why I don’t ask about the wedding, or have wedding shower plans, etc…I really felt like I failed at being a MOH. I asked her to bear with me, that I DO care about the wedding, and I WILL come through for her. I needed to get through my ex’s wedding date. He got married as planned, and I pulled myself together for my friend. (AND…consequently met SO at the wedding:))

What I’m trying to say is maybe somethings up. She may not want to confide in you to bring you down. Give her time. Talk to her about anything other than the wedding. She may be sick of it by now with a long engagement.

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