Post # 1
So i need help because apparently I am the only one stressing about over inviting. FI seems to think everything will just “work out”. My FMIL has a guest list of over 250 and managed to cut it down to 200 . My mothers guest list is about 115 but most are just obligation invites, she expects about 70 of those to actually want to or be able to come. My FI and I have a friend list of about 85. That makes our total 400.
Our venue can comfortably fit 330. Or 370 if we remove 4 tables completely once the dance starts (40 people) and they have nowhere to sit the rest of the night. (this would end up being our friends). No more than 370 however at best.
I don’t feel comfortable following any 20% regrets rule, but FI says everything will be fine!
HELP! Suggestions? Input???
Post # 3
It’s a really bad idea to over-invite. just don’t do it. Once you’re at capacity, you can’t un-invite, and it’s REALLY inhospitable to expect 4 tables of guests to stand all night. You’ll need to be more selective with who is invited. Perhaps move some people to the B-list and only invite them once you’ve got some declines in.
Post # 4
Don’t invite more than the venue can comfortably hold, and please don’t remove tables.
Post # 5
Etiquette snob here… lol
Indeed Over-Inviting for what a Venue can realistically hold (or you can afford to pay for) is NEVER a good plan.
My best advice here is to go with a well organized B-List, and a B-List Plan (either 2 RSVP Dates, or send out your first round of Invites with lots of time to spare).
B Lists are not impolite, they have been in use by Good Hosts (even Heads of State etc) for eons.
“The Secret” is all in how you manage it, and that you don’t publicize the fact that you have multiple lists (A, B, even C).
You don’t want your Guests to ever feel they were “second best”
Hope this helps,
Post # 6
@Jessicachantal: Oh god nonononono. NEVER invite more people than you can comfortably entertain. Seriously, this kind of thing does not just work itself out.
I’d really like to know why your FMIL gets to invite 200 people to yor wedding. It sounds as though she’s actually got more guests coming than you do. What’s up with that? It kind of seems like the obvious solution here is to tell her she’ll need to cut more of her people so you can seat everyone. Is there a reason why you can’t do that?
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta
How many out of town guests do you have? That is a lot of people to expect all of them to come I would think a bunch will decline. Do you have an idea of who might say no?
Post # 8
@Horseradish: i agree, i hate the idea of removing tables, so very much.
@Astra: i keep trying to make this point to FI and the in laws but seems to fall on deaf ears. Oh dont worry everything will work out! ArGH!!!!
@This Time Round: I think we will try the “B” list as we dont have much of a choice! I feel so uncomfortable inviting more than our venue can hold. I suggested switching venues to a place that holds more people and FI didnt like the idea, because the deposit is already paid by his mother ($700)…. but at the second venue, when we have 300 or more for catering the room rental ($1500) is waived….so I dont look at it as much of a loss in the bigger picture, seeing as it is me who has to deal with the stress, not him (dont worry everything will work out – thats not how i am approaching this haha)Not having to stress is well worth $700.
His parents are paying for the reception meals (and mine are paying for everything else wedding related) but I suppose this is why they have a big say in the guest list. I am MORE than willing to pay her back the $700 deposit though and move to a bigger venue if they are willing, but my FI shot down the idea before I could suggest it to his mother, so I am not sure where to go from here :(!
@Carlasgettingmarried: I agree things wont just work themselves out… told FI tonight I am a little upset he is leaving this issue to fall on my shoulders while he takes the oh-well kind of approach, he seemed genuinely apologetic and i hope he tries to see things in a more realistic view now.
@Pixienickie: a fair amount of our guests are out of town guests, i would guess about 30% at least. Our wedding is a long weekend however so I am not sure if this will make it easier for them to attend or if they will have other plans, committments, etc because of it being a long weekend!
Post # 9
Last tip on B-Lists…
Send your farthest Invites out first (there is no rule that they all have to go into the mail on the same day)
Then as the NOs come back…
You send out Invites from your B-List (in moderation**)
** What this means, is for EVERY NO you get back, you send out half-as-many new Invites.
So if Aunt Sally, Uncle Bob and the Twins can’t come (4 people)… you can then send out an Invite that covers (2 people)
If all goes to plan, and people reply in a timely matter… then things will get clearer as you get closer to the actual Wedding Date / RSVP Deadline…
Hope this helps,
Post # 10
@This Time Round: thanks for the advice! sounds like a good system if we have to have a b list.
Post # 11
@Jessicachantal: I see a B-list as your only option other than thinning out your guest list all together. The consensus here is really not to over-invite!
If FI is really that unwilling to tell his mum to thin out the herd or let you switch venues, I think you need to go to her and have a frank conversation. You’re willing to pay for the deposit, I don’t see the problem!
Good luck OP, I can’t imagine how hard this situation is!
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@Jessicachantal: Tell the mothers they have 70 people each (your mother stated that’s probably how many would be interested anyway) they can invite, end of story. Why should they get to invite so many? That is utterly ridiculous. They may have a B list for those no’s that come in, but that’s it. It’s just one of those things you (AND your FI) will need to put your foot down on.
Post # 13
@Jessicachantal: Glad to help. MY BEST ADVICE when working thru these details on your Wedding is DON’T TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS.
Infact the less you talk about your Wedding with others the better / smoother things seem to go.
Need to talk… come to WeddingBee, lol
And sure as heck don’t put up stuff about your Wedding on Social Media… FaceBook, Twitter and the like. That just gets the nosey people bothering you even more.
Wedding Website with details with those invited fine (put the address somewhere in your Wedding Invitation Pkg). But don’t publicize your Wedding to every person you know… cause even the most casual types will somehow think they should be included… lol, and they’ll be brazen enough to tell you so to your face (or worse… if you have it on FB, they can spam your info all over / make a mockery of you and your choices… and tell others what a Bridezilla you are cause you haven’t invited them…). Yes maam, the crazies are out there as several unfortunate Bees in the past have discovered !!
Hope this helps,
Post # 14
@FutureMrsHallam: its definitely been a challenging situation!! we met with his parents this week, had them over for supper and talked over her list, and managed to cut some people that werent really neccessary to invite, I think it went well, everyone seemed happy about the result.
@laceydoilies: it truly is a ridiculous amount of guests.. this whole thing made us want to sneak away and elope 😉 his parents are such great people i did have a hard time putting my foot down. we managed to work out a more acceptable number thankfully!
@This Time Round: definitely!!!!! weddingbee is a lifesaver 😀 thank goodness for all you ladies!!
So by the looks of it we have a list now of about 380 and want to get it to 330. we are going to try the “b” list way, and hold off on some invites until we get some declines. My mom already expetcs about 40 to decline (because of travel, money, among other reasons). And by the looks of it his mom expected about 20 to not come for sure.My FI and I have no idea about our list who will make it, could go any way.
Will report back in the summer how our list and numbers turned out ! 🙂
Post # 15
@Jessicachantal: Glad you got through the conversation well and you’re ontop of the situation now! Good luck! 🙂