- 3 years ago
Hi bees, i need major help. I will write this post in point form. It’s necessary to give you a lot of informaton so you can help me out!
– Myself and SO are both 27, married for 10 months. I am 5.5 months pregnant with 1st chid.
– We live in a third world country in MIL’s house.
– I am mixed race (half of what my husband is, half Europan). My husband, MIL and i are the same religion. I speak their language and know their culture.
– I grew up in a western country, when i was 14 i moved to current third world country for 4 years where i met SO. When i was 18 i moved back to western country for my Bachelors. I worked in western country as a health professional for 3 years post Bachelor, saved, and 2 months after marriage, moved back to third world country. My parents have lived in third world country since i was 14, are moving back to western country soon.
– SO has lived with MIL entire life. They have been through A LOT. No external family support. Just the 2 of them. They are very close. MIL is very dependent on son. MIL has had string of unsuccessful relationships. She dates the WRONG kind of guys.
– SO has a very good, very well paying, slightly dangerous job. He has a very well controlled medical condition that 10 years ago was life threatening. MIL paid for his education.
– SO and i both currently studying our Masters via correspondence. We are self funding our Masters.
– SO and i were in a long distance relationship for 7 years before marriage while i studied and worked. SO travels frequently for work so we saw eachother regulalry. It was HARD. I saved a lot. The savings are in a fixed account for when SO and i purchase first house.
– After 7 years we decided someone had to sacrifice, i gave up my well paying job, enrolled in my Masters full time distance and moved back to third world country. I continue to work occasionally on contract as health professional (1 or 2 week stints every 2nd month) to maintain registration in western country. I make more money doing this than i would in third world country full time.
– SO made it clear before wedding he did not feel comfortable leaving MIL at this time and we would move out after a few years. I agreed. MIL has own small business for 20 years, was previously profitable, now financially struggling, has no emotional support so SO felt obligated to help her. MIL has a drop kick boyfriend who is wealthy but uses her (only wants to see her once a week at 11pm).
– We have lived happily for 8 months. I love cooking. I am an excellent cook and baker. I cook dinner for all of us 6 nights a week (Mon – Sat). I cook lunch and breakfast about 4 times a week (omlettes, gourmet sandwhiches). I bake twice a week (scones, muffins, desserts).
– SO pays following bills: Electricity, Gas, Internet/Phone, Pay TV, rent as determined by MIL. MIL pays water (dirt cheap) and mortgage. Before i moved in, SO puchased new oven, TV for MIL, furniture and fridge. SO co contributed 15K for new kitchen and bathroom. SO pays maid to clean house twice weekly from 8am to 3pm (Mon and Thur). SO does weekly groceries for $150-$250. SO has repaid 50% of his undergraduate education fees to MIL.
– MIL does not have to do own washing, cleaning or cooking. She cooks only on Sundays when husband and I eat out.
– I come from a wealthy family. Our wedding was expensive paid 60% by my Dad, 25% by me and SO and 15% by MIL.
Now the problem
I organised a party 1.5 months ago for MIL’s 50th birthday. I catered the entire event while 4 months pregnant. MIL’s freinds were singing my praises. The week after this, my MIL started cooking every day (even when i had cooked), feeding the food to SO and asking him if it was good. (It wasn’t). After that MIL asked if every night i could make dinner for her drop kick boyfriend. After 2 weeks of this i got fed up as he has never spoken to me in his life. Would honk out the front, pick up the food and then take off. SO got annoyed at her for doing so. After this, she wouldn’t ask me, instead she would not eat dinner, pack her share of the food and send it to her boyfriend. After this, one day she berated me for not bringing her lunch to work (i have never done this, nor am i obligated to). After this, she started wearing SO’s shirts daily and asking me if she liked her shirt. I ask SO to tell her not to do this as i felt uncomfortable. She continued to do so.
On Wednesday, MIL’s brother and son came home for dinner. MIL’s brothers son wants to enter same career feild as SO and was asking for advice. MIL started complaining to her brother that SO and i don’t do anything and that we enjoy our time together while she is working in her business. She also said we don’t help her with a business (we do occasionally help her with it during peak periods Christmas, Easter etc.) We ignored it.
After dinner was cooked but before we had eaten, MIL’s boyfriend called and wanted to take all of us to dinner. MIL was so excited because he usually never wants to spend time with her. We decided against it as we had cooked dinner already. We asked her to invite boyfriend over to eat. He refused and she was sulky. After dinner, SO mentioned an offensive facebook comment that MIL’s friend had posted on his facebook. She started screaming. She said a lot of things but basically, that SO and i don’t do anything, don’t cook, and that i have his credit card to spend on what i like and he never gives it to her (WTF). SO ignored her. I got really upset and went to my room and cried. I was hurt and embarrassed as i felt under appreciated. I cook and clean every day. I gave up my career to be with my SO and his Mum. We dropped MIL’s brother home. We apologised for what he witnessed.
The next day SO was furious! He was so angry at her for yelling at us while i am pregnant. He was also embarrassed that it happened while we had visitors. She didn’t come home that day.
The next day (Friday), SO didn’t want to stay at home for dinner. I felt sorry for his Mum. I told him i’ll cook for the 3 of us. I cooked and we knocked on her room door to join us for dinner. She refused. After dinner, she came out guns blazing. SO asked me to go to the room, that he would handle it and he didn’t want her to yell at me. They had a huge fight. SO told her he was leaving. We packed our things and we proceeded to leave. She started yelling at me that this was my plan to take her son away, she told us to F off and not to come back, she kept saying sarcastically ‘thank you, thank you for taking my son”. We took our dog too. I didn’t open my mouth, didn’t say a single word. My SO told her to use your brains, stop yelling at her, she’s pregnant, she said that noone cared about her when she was pregnant so she was allowed to do that. He lost it. We came to my parents home who were away.
My parents called us an hour later saying that my MIL called them in hysterics. She told them she begged me not to leave, and as a future mother i should understand (Big fat lie, she said nothing of the sort). She told my parents she yelled at us but she was allowed to as she is the MIL. My Dad is very calm and informed her that when he returned from weekend away. he would help sort out the issue. My MIL was hysterical. My Dad told us that we should go back and try and calmly sort out the situation. When we returned to sort it out, she started yelling at just me this time. SO tried to control situation. I kept biting my tongue. She started bringing up that on mothers day we didn’t celebrate it (we bought her a present, i made muffins with her (she wanted to learn how to bake), we didn’t go out at night because SO had a major assignment due and was struggling to finish it. I helped him.) She told me i was horrible for not doing anything etc. despite every other day i am miss perfect DIL. I told her that i was embarrrased by what she said to her brother and asked her why she lied. She said she didn’t like and that the week in which i had 5 assignments due, i didn’t do as much. I had forwarned her that that week was really intense. I probably cooked twice that week. She kept yelling at me and i lost it. I asked her why she disturbed my parents as it had nothing to do with them, she said she wanted them to know what i was truly like. I said, they think you’re a psycho and that you have no shame. I stormed out. I feel bad saying that but i honestly feel i was provoked. SO said i shouldn’t have said it but understands i was provoked so he wasn’t angry.
On Saturday morning, SO and i started looking for apartments to rent. We are currently staying with my parents until we can find a suitable place. We hope to move out this week.
My SO is STRESSED. He is furious with his mother, he is worried about me, he is in his last sem of his masters and is stressed from that. Luckily he is on a weeks annual leave at the moment so we have to time sort things out. In a few weeks i will return to western country to give birth (better medical facilities).
So my questions are;
What do we do from here? I honestly don’t want to return to her house. I previously had a lot of respect for her but am now furious. I don’t see how i can have a relationship with her again. I’m scared this will happen again. I come from a family of very calm zen people (my parents spend about half the day meditating and doing yoga) and i’m not use to the fighting. I don’t want my child in that environment.
I feel bad for SO. He is annoyed with her but obviously it’s his mother. He thinks its best we move out permanently but he is frustrated because he spent so much time and money working on the house and didn’t get to utilise it.
What should be our next move? I want SO to have a relationship with his mother but not one in which she is SO dependent on him.
Any advice would be great.