Post # 1
**PIOT**Okay Bees, I need help getting a question answered. My FH and I are considering a DW to Puerto Rico or Puerta Vallarta because we aren’t “have a huge party with 200 guests” kind of people. Anyway, on another thread on here I read that someone found it rude that a couple was having a DW but still had a bridal shower. Is this really rude!? I mean, am I missing something? Are you not allowed to have a shower if you are having a DW??
I was really surprised by this statement and was wondering what you ladies thought about it. I attached a poll just to see what your thoughts were.
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Post # 2
SkinnyLatte17: The answer is influenced by where you live.
In the US it seems generally accepted that only people who have been invited to the wedding are invited to the shower.
There are exceptions to that rule. Sometimes showers are hosted for you by groups who know that they will not be invited to the wedding: work colleagues, club members, old neighbors, friends of the mother etc.
Post # 3
I don’t think it is rude. I personally wouldn’t expect gifts or large gifts for the shower, either. My close friend had a DW in Mexico and her mom’s friend held a bridal shower. It was a really nice afternoon with food and drinks, and the gifts were smaller- $50 gc’s and most things were probably under $50. It was more about the thought- all the women in her life gathered in a pre wedding celebration!
If you are worried people will think it is rude, you can have the host specidially tell the guests you ask for no gifts, and instead would like them to bring their favoruite recipe to share and they can put together a cookbook for you or something (as I hate arriving anywhere empty handed it would be nice to be asked to bring something, but it wouldn’t have to cost anything)
Post # 4
why does a wedding that is not a DW have to have 200? you make it sound like it is either DW or 200 guests?
Post # 5
julies1949: I don’t think OP is asking who should be invited to the shower, but if she should even have one considering the wedding is a destination and is a high costs to guests already.
Post # 6
I am having a dw and I’m having two showers because all my family is on the other side of the country and we flew to them and had a very low key BBQ type thing. Some people gave us stuff some did not. We really went in not expecting much but more so wanted to party with them. We got some stuff great and those who didn’t I didn’t think twice.
My other shower will be the same low key nothing crazy and I still feel the same. With anything in life though I don’t expect much from people. Lol. I just want people to come have a good time.
I think it’s totally fine to do a shower though if you want one.
Post # 7
I have no problem with it as long as everyone invited to the shower is also invited to the destination wedding and the idea of the shower is brought up, offered, and thrown for you by someone else.
Post # 8
I think it’s fine, so long as everyone invited to the shower is invited to the destination wedding.
Post # 9
I think it is entirely acceptable to have a bridal shower if u r having a destination wedding. My planner suggested that I do everything exactly the same as if I was having a home wedding.
Having said that, not everyone feels this way as no one so much as even mentioned a shower for me, and one never took place.
So, u might ask around and get a feel for how potential guests might feel about attending or throwing a shower for u.
Post # 10
It’s rude to have a shower with guests who aren’t invited to your wedding. If you’re having a DW, you’re probably having a smaller guest list, which would mean a smaller shower, if any at all.
I would be very offended to be invited to a shower but not the wedding, and would feel like the bride was only looking for gifts.
Post # 11
SkinnyLatte17: I think some people might find it rude because some brides want the small wedding (typically less expensive for DW) but they still kinda “want” gifts from everyone even those who cant go. Some people think its a lot to ask for guests to buy a bride a shower gift, a wedding gift on top of having to pay 1000-2000+ for a trip. Thats kinda what happened to me…. I live in one province and my close friends/family live elsewhere….I was not thrown a shower because it was thought to have been too much expense for everyone in a short period of time (would have had to been in wedding week).
I do think its ok if ONLY the people invited to the wedding are invited…. but I wouldnt be ok with anyone having a shower at home with a crap ton of more people who were obviously NOT expected to attend the wedding…know what I mean?
I know sometimes co-workers etc set up a little shower knowing they wont be going but thats a bit diff……………..you dont want to come off as the beatch who is like: sorry I wish we had room to invite you to the wedding, but we would totally love a gift from you” lol. Thats where its up to the bride to make sure whoever is organizing it (MOH?) knows exactly the guests list.
Post # 12
I think it depends on the shower. It may be that you have friends and family who would like to celebrate this special occasion with you, but for financial or logistical reasons (either yours or theirs) that simply isn’t possible. If you have a friend who WANTS to host a shower for you and you have friends and family you know would like to celebrate with you, I think that’s fine. Plenty of people who elope or do DWs host a reception back home for people not in the wedding, so this isn’t radically different. Just be thoughtful of whom you invite, make it clear that a gift is not required or expected, and offer to help the host of the party with any planning, preparation, or costs. In the end though, you may find it easier to call this party something other than a “shower”. Make it clear that this is just a get together to celebrate the special occasion.
Post # 13
Thanks for the replies ladies! I appreciate all your input! I’m going to talk to my mom about it since she mentioned wanting to throw one. And i certainly wouldn’t invite someone to the shower that was t invited to the wedding itself.
Post # 14
SkinnyLatte17 : I absolutely think it is rude and sounds very gift grabby. You’re only out for gifts, that’s the point of a shower and why would you ask for wedding gifts if you aren’t inviting the people to the wedding? You weren’t good enough to go to my wedding, but you’re good enough to accept a gift from them. Rude. Rude. Rude. I would feel offended if I was invited to a shower and not the wedding.
Post # 15
I think some of the other girls on here are being too harsh. I totally understand your reasons for wanting a DW – sometimes a hometown wedding will end up as a 200 person party whether you want it to or not.
If you don’t really care about the gifts (and it sounds like you don’t!), just have the host title it as a “bridal celebration luncheon” in your honor so it’s clear that this is not a gift grab.