Post # 1
**PIOT**Okay Bees, I need help getting a question answered. My FH and I are considering a DW to Puerto Rico or Puerta Vallarta because we aren’t “have a huge party with 200 guests” kind of people. Anyway, on another thread on here I read that someone found it rude that a couple was having a DW but still had a bridal shower. Is this really rude!? I mean, am I missing something? Are you not allowed to have a shower if you are having a DW??
I was really surprised by this statement and was wondering what you ladies thought about it. I attached a poll just to see what your thoughts were.
Post # 2
SkinnyLatte17: as long as no one is invited to the shower that isn’t invtied to the wedding I don’t see a problem with it.
Post # 3
SkinnyLatte17: I think it’s rude to invite peope to a shower (which is about showering with gifts, technically)– and then not invite them to the wedding.
That being said– I’ve been invited to one before for my cousin and I went. And then she didn’t send a thank you. Gross.
Post # 4
Destination weddings are expensive for your guests. If you want to have a shower, maybe have a “no gifts allowed” shower. We went to a destination wedding that cost us $1,600 and was all-inclusive. However, as there was a group of us (and it was family), we were pressured into doing outings with everybody twice which cost us even more money. Our wedding gfit to them was being able to go to their wedding. There was no shower, and I think I would have been upset had there been one in which we were expected to spen more money. They picked liked the most expensive time of year to go (I was on maternity leave, but my husband had to use one if his two weeks off to go and it was in February, so had 5 days the rest of the year to spend on vacation).
Post # 5
As long as everyone invited to the shower is invited to the wedding I don’t think it’s rude. However, as PP pointed out, DW are expensive so it might be a lot to ask of guests and it’s always good to be mindful of your guests and any burdens your wedding may create. Perhaps a good compromise would be to have a stock the bar shower or recipe shower or something that encourages less expensive gifts.
Post # 6
SkinnyLatte17: i didnt think so. i had a DW but just in the next town over.. in alaska thats far to travel and its expensive here in this state anyways. I had a bridal shower a couple days before the wedding because. 1. i already had my batchlerette party and most of the girls were not there. 2. i wanted the women in my lives to mingle. just the girls. 3. to blow off some stream before the wedding (there was drama so that didnt actually work lol). It was really casual and i didnt expect gifts though many got me something. i also didnt invite the whole wedding. just the BMs and family and very very close friends. i think its depends on how extravigant the shower is. something casual to get all the women together isnt going to hurt. I know its soppose to shower you with gifts but people are spending so much as it is.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t be the one actually throwing the shower. My mom and sister have already mentioned wanting to do it. I’m the first born, first girl to get married in our family so my mom is wicked excited about the whole process. I wouldn’t invite anyone to the shower that wasn’t invited to the actual wedding. I do understand that not everyone can make it to a DW but I don’t think that should mean I can’t have a bridal shower… I mean its still part of the process and its still a wedding, even though its not in the states and it won’t be your typical 150 guests banquet style wedding. I was also thinking that there are family members and friends that know even though they can’t make it to the wedding, would like to be a part of the shower so they can participate in some way. Instead of just getting a wedding invitation to a DW and assume they didn’t get invited to the shower as well b/c we didnt have one.
Post # 8
SkinnyLatte17: ok so this is what I’m struggling with right now too. We’re having a DW in Punta Cana and my family is planning a shower for me at the end this month. Honestly, I’m uncomfortable with the whole idea but they’re so excited and they’ve been waiting for me to get married for AGES….I just don’t have the heart to say no. BUT I feel bad to invite those who are spending $$ and time to come to Punta Cana with us. So now we’re keeping it to only those we know for sure aren’t coming.
Post # 9
SkinnyLatte17: FI and I are having a DW in Vegas this December. We had a large Engagement party here at home this past January, so that was like our “at home wedding” to all our guests (about 175 people) I didn’t think it would be “proper” for me to have a shower but FMIL insisted.
As far as I can tell, everyone who will be invited to the shower (its in Sept) is EXPECTING it and is really excited for it, despite the fact that the majority of them will not be attending the wedding.
But, as a side note: at our engagement party we verbally invited everyone who was there, and about 30 people have shown serious interest in coming (we just didn’t feel right sending out invitations to our wedding, so no one would feel “pressured” to attend if they didn’t want to).. I doubt thats the proper etiquette, but, no one has complained about it, or was offended by it.
Post # 10
SkinnyLatte17: I’m having a similar issue. FI and I live on the East Coast and our families live in the Midwest, and we’re getting married in Florida. Instead of a shower, we are having “engagement parties” hosted by each of our parents for that side of the family so we can celebrate with our family who can’t attend the wedding. We aren’t calling them engagement parties or showers or anything, it’s just an excuse for a casual get together to spend time together and celebrate.
Post # 11
I think it can be rude to essentially requests gifts for anyone who (1) isn’t invited to the wedding or (2) who will be shelling out big bucks to attend the wedding itself. I had a “shower,” but I didn’t register and the ladies who threw it made it clear that no gifts were expected. We had fun games and food and martinis and whatnot, just no presents. I also had a bachelorette party, but I footed the bill and didn’t expect anything from those who attended.
Post # 12
SkinnyLatte17: As long as they are invited to the wedding then it is not rude. My friend sent STD’s to the guest that she wanted to go to her DW and instructed us to go on the website to RSVP. But didn’t send an actual invitation. I know they are planning on having a reception when they get back but haven’t made final decisions yet. (They are getting married in Oct, another friend of ours is getting married in Dec, and we are getting married in May. )
Since we are unable to attend their wedding, I am really hoping that one of her BP members will put together a shower so the guest who can’t atten are able to celebrate with her.
Post # 13
SkinnyLatte17: I think it depends. I had a DW in Mexico and wanted to skip the gifts part of the shower because of that (because we were already asking so much of the guests).
However, in my case the ladies that would come to the shower were mostly my aunts and cousins (who would give me gifts no matter what, as it’s just their way) and friends of my mom’s who were invited to the wedding but weren’t able to come. I didn’t invite my girlfriends to the shower as they were coming to the bachelorette and I didn’t want to ask them to come to too many parties.
I felt a little weird about all the gift giving, but my family is in a fairly afluent circule, so I don’t think anyone else minded.
Post # 14
To me, it seems gift-grabby to invite people to a shower if your wedding may be cost-prohibitive for them to attend. It’s like saying you love them enough to invite them to the gifts-expected shower but don’t care that they might not be able to afford to share in the actual wedding.
Post # 15
Thanks for all your replies ladies! I apprciate all your input. Still not sure what I’m gonna do about it yet. I’ll probably talk to my mom about it. We’ll see! I’ll update you once we figure something out!