Post # 1
So we had a discussion over the weekend about where to get married. I’ve ALWAYS wanted a destination wedding. I’m the girl that loves to travel and I love the beach and ocean (we’re in TX so we don’t really have a beach with nice water). I was thinking a Florida beach wedding with an at home reception. My FH was in agreeance with this intially (we are at the beginning of planning) but this last talk he expressed some concern.
He’s always said that the wedding day is for the bride and whatever she wants she should get (love him for that!) BUT he doesn’t think that his Mom will get on an airplane because she has never flown. We planned on paying for our parents to come at least. Then we knew there would be about 15-20 other people that would just come to show their love and support (they would be paying for their own trip) and making a vacay out of it. EXACTLY what I wanted.
But now he seems so skeptical because he feels like it’s a lot to ask people to pay to come to your wedding. But for me quite honestly I don’t care if they come or not. If they can’t make it I won’t be offended. That’s the whole purpose of having a DW. We’re having the big reception at home so that’s when they can come celebrate with us.
I don’t want to sound selfish but is it fair for me to give up on my dream and have the “traditional” wedding that I don’t want just for one person? I love his Mom dearly but honestly this is my day. I thought about eloping and not having anyone but I want my close friends and my parents there so why cheat them out of the day? I don’t want them to come and her not to but I can’t help if she decides she doesn’t want to fly. Not to mention that I’m paying for about 80% of it. Not that that matters because I know it’s about us as one but I’m lost.
Please Help! (sorry it was so long)
Post # 3
We’re doing the same set-up: destination wedding in Florida, reception back home (Kansas City for me). We only expect about 20 people at the actual wedding.
As far as his mom never flying: there’s a first time for everything!
And even if she doesn’t want to fly, it’s not that bad of a drive from Texas; only a couple days.
Post # 4
@abbyful: Great Suggestion! Hey if she doesn’t want to fly it’s only 17hrs from her (she’s in MS) It’s 21 hrs from us. And you’re right there’s a first time for everything. Especially if she wants to see her one and only child get married. I think the flight or the drive is worth it. Don’t you????
You said “only a couple days” Hahaha….. that’s funny!
Post # 5
My mom had a fear of flying, and said she’d never get on an airplane. I know her well and played a risky game that turned out well.
I told her that I was going to get married in the DR, no matter what, and that if she doesn’t want to get on a plane, she could watch the pictures afterwards.
She came to the wedding.
I told her after she bought the tickets that I could not have gotten married without her there and, had she had a valid reason (health issues) not to come, we would have had our wedding at home.
In the end, it was her first time travelling and she LOVED the experience – which was one of our goals by getting married in a DW (we wanted quality time with our families, and I wanted my parents to see the ocean once in their lives, and see their faces when they saw it).
Post # 6
Shouldn’t it be “our” day? Not “my” day?
I think it totally depends. If your FI really doesn’t want it and is using the mom thing as an excuse, then you should have an honest talk with him about how to have the wedding you both want.
If not, and it really is just a logistical issue, then I do think that’s pretty easily solved by her just driving (or maybe his mom will be braver than he’s giving her credit for and get on a plane!)
Post # 7
If you guys want to have a DW do it! We wanted to go overseas but it was important to me that my grandparents were there to see me get married and they wouldn’t travel. In the end we had the wedding at home and they acted like they were just going to the mall, they didn’t dress up, didn’t really participate and left early. I wish we had of done what we wanted, the people that really cared would have come.
Don’t let other dictate what you do.
Post # 8
Uh, I’m of the opinion that it’s definitely “OUR” day not “your” day. This is your FI’s mother we’re talking about–your future mother-in-law, grandmother to your kids–how would you feel if FI demanded a wedding that your parents couldn’t (I’d put fear of flying in the “couldn’t” not “wouldn’t” category) attend? Not only that, it sounds like your FI would be really disappointed if she weren’t there–do you really want him to feel that way on your wedding day?
I’d have FI feel her out and see if she WOULD fly–maybe she’ll be open to it and there’s really no problem. If she’s dead-set against it, then I still think you could have a destination wedding, but perhaps look at a location that she could drive to (she COULD presumably drive to FL or someone else could drive with her). Depending on where you are in TX, Mexico might also be a possibility.
Post # 9
@egb i love how that worked out for you. and sorry ladies i said my day but that was just figuratively speaking i did indeed mean our day. but that our is still 2 people. but jennyw1 i get your point and just like i dont want him to feel bad on our wedding day neither do i. like the other bee stated she wished she would have gone ahead with the weeding she really wanted, i dont want to feel like that. this is a day that you dont get to do over.
Post # 10
I think you should have the day you want. We are doing the same thing, and honestly, I know that some people wont be able to come. I wanted a really small wedding and thats not possible if we have it here in town. FI mother was freaking out when she found out we were having a DW and it really hurt my feelings, but she has come to terms with it now. She still makes stupid comments every now and then, but I have learned to gracefully ignore it
In the end, I have no doubt in my mind that we are doing the right thing for US!
Post # 11
I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. This is your dream wedding and you should be able to have it how you want. How would you feel if you did a tradition wedding at home? To me, it was a question, I was having my DW, like it or not! There was definitley some hesitation from my dad (my mom hasn’t been on a place since she came here from overseas, but she did not hesitate one bit to go to Hawaii!) but now, everyone is on board! You’d be suprised by how many people will actually go to your DW. It’s really nice, because you know these are the people that love you and that you can count on for anything. Do the DW! You’ll be glad you did!
Post # 12
@HoneyBear:we went through the same thing with my mom and his mom, but they came around and in the end, they loved travelling with us and sharing that moment with us. We wanted a small, intimate wedding and the way to achieve this for us was to go away, where only the most important people would agree to come (if we had gotten married home and only invited 20 people, some feelings would have been hurt). Plus, my DH is a pleaser and would not have been able to cut off the guest list, so this was the best way for us. AND we got to spend very high quality time with our loved ones. I wouldn’t change a thing (except for my mom’s and his mom’s comments during the whole planning process!)
Post # 13
We’re getting married in Mexico. My uncle/god father has never been on a plane and is dealthy afraid of flying, but he’s coming! It took a lot of convincing and a perscription for anxiety from the doctor, but we made it work 🙂
It’s your wedding so do it how you want, but please remember that your FI’s mom is one of the most important people too. How would you feel if he asked you to do something that would include his parents and not yours? I would try to accomadate.
Side note: FI and I plus a couple of groomsmen and guests are driving to our home town before getting on a plane. 16 hour drive and then flying to mexico from Vancouver, Canada. If she wants to come badly enough she can certainly make the drive…we’re doing it!
Post # 14
I don’t think it’s selfish. We’re doing something similar and I am preparing for the onslaught. Honestly, it’s what we both want. And yes, we want our parents and siblings to come. FI is nervous because my family is already committed while his….well, let’s just say you can hear the crickets.
You’re right though, it is your day (you and FI) and if it’s what both of you want, then it should be what both of you do. If we took into account what all of our parents wanted, I think we’d end up with a something both of us hated.
Does anyone have any advice on how to get relcutant family members on board?