Weddingbee boards

I am new to the website, so hello to everyone : )  I would like to express some problems that I have experienced with planning a destination wedding.  I live in Tennessee and have been dating my beau for 4 years.  I am 32 and he is 28.  We both have pretty large families (I am 1 of 7, and everyone has at least 2 kids) and although he only has 1 sister, his mother is 1 of 13.  Family galore! 

Well, in my mind a local wedding would get a little out of control.  My FH and his family know everyone in our area and have lived here they whole life.  Plus, besides family I would feel pressured to invite friends and business associates and have something "very nice." 

Well, we don't have a lot to spend and wiill probably pay for everything ourselves.  I think his parents will be more than likely to help out, but I can't really count on my family to step up to the plate.  Because I am an attorney they use that as an excuse and no matter what I tell them, they think I have endless amounts of cash.  This is so untrue!  I have student loans that are almost as much as a house payment - in addition to my house payment!  Besides, my family is not the best about being supportive in any way, emotionally or financially, so I have been kind of on my own for a long time. 

I say all this to say that we decided to get married out-of-state in California, Santa Barbara specifically.  We plan to invite friends and family.  This is where the saga begins.  Most of my friends and family have a "small town" mentality and the first thing they say is "well, I can't go and we will wait until you come home and have a party."  Now, these are folks I have known my whole life.  I went to many of their weddings and with some of them, I supported them even if their families did not agree with their marriages.  I have bought endless wedding gifts for their events, purchased $200+ bridesmaid dresses, and none of them have children!  One friend in particular just bought a new car and put down hardwood floors (over $5,000) all within the last year.  She also has the option of using her timeshare to have a place to stay in Cali and still complains and says she won't attend. 

We are not marrying until September 2009, so I thought it was best to give everyone plenty of notice.  Still, most automatically say that they can't come without even trying.  One of them has let it slip that they think it is snooty to have a wedding in California.  What I have tried to explain is that we can have a nice, yet inexpensive event with just the people who are really close to use.  Besides, we love the location!  Also, because I am an attorney and my FH is in business here, when we walk in the door locally people see dollar signs.  Yet, we are pretty simple and don't live extravagantly (I have a small house, 2001 car, etc.).  

I even tried to look around at local spots so that friends could drive to the ceremony, rather than fly.  But then I realized that even if it is "local," they still might come up with excuses as to why they can't come.  Then, I am stuck with a location that means nothing to me - all while trying to please other people.  My sister, who is a total cheapskate is planning to come and she NEVER travels anywhere.  I don't know if she has even been on a plane!  But, she thinks it important enough to save to be there.  

I have done my research and tried to find cheap flights ($350 or less), hotels ($95 - $200), made sure the hotels offer continental breakfast, and made plans to feed everyone each night they are there (Thur or Fri - Saturday, the wedding day).  What more can I do?  I don't think it is selfish to want something dignified and small even if it is further away.  Am I wrong because I am struggling with this. 

At this point, I don't even want to have a reception when I get home because I feel like if certain people don't even want to try and come, why should I have something just for them when I get back - we can take that and have a great honeymoon.  Oh and by the way, my FH has never wanted a large affair and doesn't want a reception at all because he thinks it is a lot of pomp and circumstance.  He also doesn't want me stressed with all the planning.  Any comments? 

Go with your heart and with what you want to do. 10 years from now, what do you think will be the most important aspects of your wedding that you remember? I know it's hurtful and frustrating that people who you'd expect to be supportive are seemingly not making the effort to come but it's early and they could change their minds as the year goes by and tehy figure out a way to make it feasible. Is the location you are booking requiring a minimum # of guests? I would not hold an at-home reception if that's not what you want to do. It can be a lot of money and if you and your fiance aren't into the pomp & circumstance, spend it elsewhere. Just let people know that you are not planning on throwing such a party afterwards so they don't expect it. It could be that extra push they need to make the effort to come to your CA affair.

I'm sorry this is happening, I can imagine how hurtful and frustrating it can be.  Unforunately, some of these issues are expected and come along with choosing a destination wedding.  FI and I are having a DW in Mexico next March and haven't come across any issues yet.  For us, the first priority was making sure our "A-list" was going to be able to come, meaning immediate family.   That was a big deal breaker for us, we might have chosen otherwise if they were no on board for it.

It's really hard to hear that certain people might not be able to make it to your wedding especially considering what you have done for them in the past, but it's really out of your hands and you can't be expectant of how and what people will spend their money on because it is still their money. 

The thing to think about is what is really important to you and your fiance.  If this is what you want, then I say go for it.  You'll have to expect that not everyon is going to make it for whatever reasons.  I think some situations really can't be helped, but you will come to learn who has given your wedding priority or who hasn't.  To me, having our close friends and family attending is icing on the cake.  After all, the most important thing is being with my best friend and sharing our vows to one another.  Good luck!

Thanks for all your comments.  In response to a few comments, I agree that I can't dictate what others should do with their money.  I think the thing that really hurts is that the folks I would prefer to be there (close friends) have already dismissed the idea of coming.  I don't think this is a financial issue.  Rather, it is more about hurt feelings - mine. 

Although I don't know every detail of their financial situations, I would probably feel better if they waited half a second before saying "no, we can't come."  Or, if they said "we can't come but still want to share in your day some other way such as _______ (fill in the blank)."  

I also think I would feel better if they at least acknowledged that this is still my wedding and the happiest, most important day of my life - no matter where it is.  It is like the minute I said "we are planning to have it in Cali" all of the excitement about me "finally getting married" went out the window.  I almost feel as if they have dismissed it simply because it is in California.  Does that make it any less special?  Oh, and unlike daydreamer33, no one has even offered to host an at-home reception for those who can't attend.  Now, they aren't required to do this, however, their comments about "well, we will just come to the party when you get back" means that they just assume we are going to accomodate them even if they opt not to attend the ceremony.    

I know I am being picky, but I would just appreciate a small comment such as "we will try, but we need to check out finances and will let you know" or "I am sure it will be beautiful and we will try to be there, but we can't make any promises." Then, I could at least feel like they cared.   And, when I say I know these people well - most are like sisters to me so these are friends who have known me since I was 5!  I just want to scream at them - JUST TRY B/C YOU HAVE OVER A YEAR!  

In response to Jen4637, I understand your comments.  However, while I don't expect them to spend their hard earned dollars completely on me, I do expect a little consideration and support on such an important day.  Otherwise, our friendship seems a little one-sided.  For example, just last month I drove over 5 hours alone to attend an out-of-town wedding when one of my friend's husband's father died - and that was after going to work at 6:30 a.m. for 2 hours because I was still on a deadline.  And, because I did not have time accumulated, I did not receive pay for lost time - a total of 7 hours.  Then, I gave the friend's mother in law a love offering because she was a widow.  To me, that is what close friends do.  I went out of my way to support her husband, and therefore her, without even thinking about it.  (yes, these are the same ones who already said they could not come) 

I am not a friend who keeps score and for any other day, I would not be as intense.  I guess I am trying to explain why my feelings are so hurt.  I am trying not to make this about our friendship, but I see now why people have crazy fall-outs while they are planning their weddings and I don't want that to happen. 

Closing: if my friends tried (or pretended to try) and then said they could not come because of financial issues, work issues, etc., I think I would be more understanding - disappointed and hurt, but not crushed.  I would probably even be more willing to have a small affair after we return and invite them to view photos, etc.  However, just ruling it out when it is over 1 year away is a little much in my opinion.  Who knows - they might even win the lottery before then!        

KateMW, thanks for the idea, but we don't plan to marry on the beach.  We picked Santa Barbara because of the beautiful spanish-style architecture and we love the mix of mountain and beach views.  We plan to marry in one of the historic buildings and take beach photos.   Believe you me, I have tried to find a locale closer to home and have spent countless hours researching locations in FL, AL, Georgia (the coast), North Carolina / South Carolina, everywhere.  Most places in these areas with any historic significance or that I like start at $1500 + for the ceremony only, while the Santa Barbara spots are between $250 - $700.   

I am so sorry you are going through this. It really sucks that a lot of your close friends have hurt your feelings. In my opinion, I think you should not change  and you should keep your plan of getting married in santa barbra. You really can't please everyone and its only going to get worse as you get closer to the day. Don't change your plans though for anyone ... its you and your FH's ceremony and wedding and no one elses. What if you ran off to vegas and didn't tell anyone?

As far as hosting a reception when you get home... you could host a simple, simple backyard BBQ... paper cups, paper plates, tiki torches and that's it for those who want to celebrate with you. No dining halls or hotels. If that isn't enough for them then too bad for them!

Great advice guys!  After much thought I have decided to stick with the original plan and just trust that everything will fall into place.  I think my feelings were too wrapped up in the pressure of choosing a location, and I needed a little sound, non-biased advice to get me back on track.  I feel a lot better now, so thanks for the input.  Happy planning!