Destination Wedding Over Christmas

posted 2 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 2
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

It really depends on what you think your in-laws intentions are. Are they selfless enough that they’re just helping you out financially and would do so even if there wasn’t the extra holiday involved? Or is their financial help conditional on you spending the holidays with them?

Only you and your DH can really tell which it is, and I think that’s what makes the difference. If you know that the implied ‘strings’ attached to them paying for the flight is that they expect you to stay for the holiday then it’s beyond rude to ask them to book you flights that mean you’ll be there for the minimum time possible.

Whatever their intentions, you’re not under any obligation to go and spend the whole Christmas with them at this DW place. But in that case, I’d say you have to either pay for your own flights or decline to attend completely.

Post # 3
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

marie_antoinette:  I think it is entirely fair to “split” yourselves over the holidays, i.e. you spend the wedding with the in-laws and then Christmas with your family. The wedding is a single day and a repeat with the same people a few days earlier/later at Christmas seems bit pointless to me. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to ask for flights that allow you to do be home at Christmas.

The question is, what do you do if they refuse your request? If so, I suggest you somehow find a way to pay for your flights yourselves. I don’t think skipping the wedding is an option because it’s DH’s own sister’s wedding and it’s not technically a destination wedding (because it’s where they live).

Post # 4
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Most people don’t grow up meet a local person and marry all in the same zip code.  Most weddings are a DW for someone or another.  

You seem quite bitter that they moved to this destination just to have a wedding there or something.  Now if that were the case I would consider it a bit crazy, but they live there, they planned a wedding where they live.  How much less stressful is that for your SIL?  They prob planed it during Christmas time since a lot of people get that week off and they knew people whould have to travel.

You sounda bit personally offended by everything, it’s not your style, it’s your first christmas with FI.  Well guess what it’s your SIL’s wedding!  This is when you put on your big girl pull ups and put your petty issues aside, graciously accept your PIL’s gift of plane tickets and slap a smile on your face.  

This is an important time for your husband’s family and it’s pretty importatnt that you are there.  Your fam will probably also have their moment sooner or later.  

Spend Christmas with DH’s fam and spend New Years with yours.  Take some time and spend private time with your DH in the hotel or anywhere that’s “your thing.”  I don’t see the problem except that you’re being a wee bit selfish.

What does your husband want?

Post # 5
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

“And DH is not really enthused about going on a vacation that we didn’t choose for ourselves, since he has really limited vacation time.”<br /><br />

Wait, stop. He’s not enthused about going to his own sister’s wedding?!?! Holiday allowance aside, that’s a horrendous attitude to have. It’s not a vacation you’re being forced to go on – it’s a wedding, and one that you could decline if you’re so opposed to attending, though I suspect doing so would have some rammifications down the line.

OP, I’m really sorry that attending your SIL’s wedding and being inconvenienced is “not your style”. I also understand that maybe you want to spend Christmas day with your new husband, which you still can do – duck off for the day, you’re allowed.

Although, I must admit you sound very selfish for either wanting to spend the day at home or spending the day with your relatives and not his. I understand you’ve been “splitting” holidays with each other’s sides but that doesn’t mean that things don’t sometimes get thrown off. It sounds like either way, someone is going to be missing his or her parents and siblings over Christmas. The thing is, you two are married now, which means his family is effectively your family. While it might be preferable to have the day to yourselves or to be with your mom and dad, it’s pretty rude to say that you want to spend the day with “your” family, as if his side doesn’t count.

I, personally, think you have three options.

1. Decline the wedding. It is beyond rude to say to his parents, “Sure, we’ll take your plane tickets but on our schedule and screw you guys because we’re going home right after this nonsense.”

2. Find the funds to pay for your own tickets. 

3. Suck it up, go to your SIL’s wedding with a happy face, enjoy your time with his family, and spend NYE with yours.

Post # 6
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think its a reasonable request to ask. Just because its a wedding/family vacation week, doesnt mean you have to attend all days IMO. Adults and should be able to accept that reality. On our family vacations we dont stress each other, people pop in where they can. As long as you guys would be there for the important part, the wedding which is what this was about to begin with, why is this wrong for OP and hubby to ask for this.

Even after airfare there are other expenses, hotel, car rental, food. So its not like this is a entire freebie. Plus your husband has limited days. Someone elses wedding, even a siblings, isnt the center of your world.

Post # 7
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I totally get wanting a Christmas at home, with the snow and your family, and not on an island. But this is your sister in laws wedding. Not a vacation, a wedding of someone who will be in your life forever. You should go and be happy about it and thrilled for her. And then next year, you should (together) spend Christmas with your family.

 ETA: If you were writing here to ask if you should have a Christmas destination wedding, my response would be “heck no. That is so selfish”, so I totally get where you are coming from. I hate the idea of Christmas weddings and the idea of uprooting every guest’s traditions for your special day.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Pollywog.
Post # 8
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Pollywog:  I agree. I can’t wrap my head around posters calling the OP selfish. The SIL has been selfish choosing to have a destination wedding at Christmas time, forcing people to make difficult decisions.

That said, as I said before, skipping the wedding is not an option (but going home for Christmas is).

Post # 9
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I just want to say UGH that’s so annoying to put your wedding over freaking Christmas.

But if I were you id just take the path of least resistance and enjoy the hell outta that tropical Christmas you never wanted because it’d be no good to offend your in laws about the wedding.

Have a tree trimming, classic movie watching,  caroling, gift exchanging Christmas party with your parents the weekend before. 

Post # 10
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2015

marie_antoinette:  I’m curious to know what you ended up deciding? 

I’m in almost the exact same situation, but worse. My fiancé and I have been engaged almost 2 years, the date set for a year (this August). His sister got engaged a few months ago and has decided to have a destination wedding in the same year, leaving on Christmas day. There is absolutely no way we would be able to afford going, and knowing this his parents offered to pay. It’s still putting us in an extremely difficult situation; he only has 3 weeks holidays, 2 for our honeymoon and now one for her destination wedding  – he can’t take any time to to help with prep, setting up the tent, going to tastings, nothing. I won’t be able to spend any time with my family at Christmas, along with the rest of the guests that end up coming. We’re having to plan our honeymoon around her wedding, as we originally planned on staying local for a few days then going away in the winter once we knew what our finances would be, that’s no longer an option because of the vacation time. We were also planning on trying to get pregnant right away since I’m already over 30, but don’t want to risk going to a tropical destination in the first trimester. We’re also only 8 months away and she hasn’t chosen the location or cost or let anyone know the details so they can plan and save. 

The expectation from her and her family is that we should make our plans based around her decisions, and that’s just sh1tty. We’re also considering going for just a few days so that we’re able to use that vacation time for our own wedding. 

What would you do? 

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