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I am having a DW and I am wondering whether I should expect a gift from my attendants. I realize that they are incurring more expenses then the average wedding, however, they are not forced to come. The people that are coming want to come and obviously can afford it. Those that can't aren't coming. Personally, I think it would be extremely rude not to give a gift (maybe not a super expensive gift but something). I guess am wondering what I should expect. I've been to a ton of weddings, however, none were destination weddings. I always give a gift of 100if I attend alone and 200 if I bring a guest. My fiancé sometimes gives 4 and 5 hundred dollar gifts to his friends (which I think is really too much), so I can't imagine that the recipients of his large wedding gifts would give us nothing for our wedding. Please share your thoughts!
You should never "expect" a gift from your guests at any wedding, but I'd say be prepared for gifts to be less. We usually gift around $200 if DH and I attend a wedding, and more for close relatives. We attended his sister's DW, and after all was said and done it cost us $5000 to attend. For that and other reasons, we gave them a lovely card with $100 in it.
DWs are very expensive for the guest. And while many couples think of it as the guests getting a vacation out of it, keep in mind that they may not have chosen this time/location/resort for a personal vacation. For that reason, don't expect a gift. Just be happy that some of your friends and family were willing to do so much to be there for your special day.
You should never expect gifts, and since you're having a DW I wouldn't hesitate to pass through the grapevine (via word of mouth) that their presence in your DW is gift enough.
I would count their presence as a gift. Especially if they attended a shower and gave a gift at that.
Thanks for your input. I hope I don't sound like a greedy bride or anything. I just personally would never go to any wedding without a gift, destination or not. If I were a guest at a DW, I would prob just give a smaller gift. If I were in the destination wedding, I would give a bigger gift than a non member of the bridal party, but less of a gift than I would give if I were in a wedding at home. I was just wondering what other people thought. Most of my guests will be spending about $1000 to $2000 to come to our wedding, depending on how long they are staying.
@Shell29: Most of my guests will be spending about $1000 to $2000 to come to our wedding, depending on how long they are staying.
Wow. I would view any gifts as bonuses, but you might be disappointed if you expect them. Yes, you should always bring at least a little something to a wedding, but this is very, very expensive. It's even worse if guests can only make a quick trip in and out for the wedding. Expecting gifts on top of these types of costs is not reasonable.
Personally, I'm just gratefull people are going out of their way to use their vacation time and money to make it to my wedding. I have no right to get disappointed if they can't give more than that - why would I want to focus on something material when they are flying halfway across the world to support me?
I say drop the expectations. The people who can afford to get you something will, and those who are stretched on resources who are making an effort regardless won't have to deal with your disappointment.
Our guests are probably not spending quite as much as yours to come to our wedding, but based on the presents we've received so far, I'd say don't be surprised if your gifts are of lower monetary value than what you think is standard for a wedding. SapphireSun's example sounds about right to me.
I guess I shouldn't have used the word "expected" because that seems not to be going over well. Thing is, I never "expected" any of my guests to come to my DW, and most of them are not coming, which I am totally understanding of due to ppl's work schedules, money, etc. So my thought process is that if they are choosing to come to my wedding without any obligation, then thinking that they might give us a small gift shouldn't necessarily be out of the question or out of line. Apparently, I am in the minority opinion here though. thanks for the input.
For the record, I'm not saying I would be mad or disappointed if some ppl didn't give us a gift that attended our DW. Obviously, I would happy that they are there! I just was wondering what other people thought. :)
I'm having a DW and am expecting zero gifts and in fact want zero gifts. I would feel terrible if people got me a gift, I truly feel that their taking their time/effort and money to come to my wedding is their gift and I wouldn't want anything other than that.
@Shell29: I'd just expect no gifts and be pleasantly surprised if someone decides to give you one
We had a DW and made it very clear to all attending guests that we did not expect any gifts. I feel since they spend a good chunk of change to attend, they didn't need to spend extra on a gift. I honestly would have felt guilty if they did give us gifts.
@Shell29: You shouldn't expect any gifts, especially if people are going to be shelling out a couple thousand dollars. A couple thousand is wayyyy more than the average wedding gift for a non DW, so I don't think you should expect a gift on top of people's presence. My FH and I went to a DW last year and it cost us about 3k, and we didn't purchase a gift on top of that.
@Shell29: P.S. I hope you are providing dinner for your guests! My FH and I were SHOCKED that at the DW we went to last year, they didn't provide dinner!!! We were starving and had to order Dominio's pizza at like 1AM in the middle of the bahamas!
You should never EXPECT gifts, but in this instance it just seems a little much.
I guess because I always give a generous gift at all of the weddings I've attended, and usually give a shower gift too, so to think that the favor of a gift (even if it is a small gift) is not returned is somewhat off, IMO. I am getting my bridesmaids Coach clutches as a wedding gift to them so wouldn't it be somewhat off if they gave me nothing at all?? I am also doing all of the standard things that a bride and groom does for a wedding...we are having a rehearsal dinner and of course the reception, cocktail hour, all of which we are paying for...which are guests are most likely "expecting" from us, and would prob disappointed or think we are cheap if we didn't do these things.
@Shell29: Do you normally spend $2k to attend those weddings though?
I agree that ppl attending our DW are spending a lot of money, but NO ONE is obligated to come so in essence they are choosing to come. Also, to spend 3k on a trip is def a lot, but what is another $50 for a gift? I couldn't imagine spending all that money to come, and then choosing not to part with $50 (give or take) on a gift. Does no one agree with me at all? Lol.
No, I don't spend 2k on any weddings I've been to but it's relative. I would simply give less of a gift, but I would always give SOMETHING regardless of what I spent on attending a wedding!
The majority of ppl think my guests should not buy me a gift, so to play devil's advocate, do you think it is appropriate that I don't have a rehearsal dinner or buy gifts for my bridal party? Isn't that "expected" and wouldn't me and my fiancé seem cheap if we didn't give gifts to our bridal party? I mean, these things are expected of us so why wouldn't we have the same expectations in return??
@Shell29: to my mind the wedding party gifts are to thank them for their support and time/money in standard wedding things like helping you with stuff, throwing showers and showing up on time in a dress of your selection, not as exchanging gifts. A rehearsal dinner is again to thank them for their time in showing up to practice YOUR wedding.
These people are paying thousands of dollars to come to your wedding. Are they buying dresses, throwing you a shower, bachelorette party? Yes you should give them gifts and thank them for their support.
No, you still should get them a gift and have a rehearsal dinner. They are still shelling out thousands of dollars to be there for you and have put in the time and effort to be there and support you.
If you wanted to get married just for the presents, you should have had your wedding at home.
@Shell29: I was a bridesmaid for a destination wedding. The bride received $1000 in checks from her 80 guests. I assume most attendees assume their travel is the gift.
In regards to your gifts to your wedding party, those are thank you gifts for them spending the money to be in your wedding.
@Shell29: The gifts are a thank you to the wedding party, which is shelling out thousands to be with you on your special day. They didn't decide to have an expensive to get to DW, you did.
DWs mean that you get a pretty backdrop for your wedding on someone else's travel dime. That's a big plus. The minus is that people have dropped thousands just to be there, so might not be able to afford much else. That's the tradeoff to your choice.
@Shell29: They are spending far more than usual just to be at your wedding. It kind of sucks that you can't appreciate that. Yes they aren't obligated to come, but many of they are doing it probably not because they have $$$$ lying around, but because they want to support you and FI. By choosing to have a DW, you chose to have fewer guests and fewer gifts. Since your guests are spending so much money on you (because it is being spent on you even if you aren't directly receiving it), you shouldn't expect anything more from and you should be a gracious hostess at the wedding, it's the least you can do.
@bookworm88: If you wanted to get married just for the presents, you should have had your wedding at home. -- ITA
I'm not having a wedding for gifts, I'm simply discussing a topic for the sake of hearing ppl's opinions. That's what this forum is about.
I'm not going to forgo the rehearsal dinner or bridal party gifts because i am grateful for my bridal party and their attendance at my DW. Like I said, I was playing devil's advocate with an example.
I am not sure why you would need to play devil's advocate when you were the one that posted the question. Be grateful, be pleasantly suprised for the gifts you do receive, and most importantly be sure to thanks your guests for all the effort (money spent, time off from work) they put into making it to your wedding.
@Shell29: I just wanted to note that many of the members of our bridal party actually did not give us gifts, because I think they felt that being in our wedding (and incurring all of the expenses associated with serving in those roles) was their gift to us. Some were exceedingly generous and gave us gifts on top of that.
We had some guests who did not give us gifts as well, and I am sure that they just weren't able to travel to our wedding and also provide a gift. (Our wedding was sort of a DW for everyone, including me, since it took place about 1.5 hours from where I lived, and those who didn't live near my city all had to drive or fly from other states.) I was just thrilled that people were willing to come to our wedding. However, we did end up with many wonderful gifts as well.
I am not having a DW in the beach type sense, but I am getting married in St. John's NL, my hometown which is on the other side of the country for us and for many of our guests. I am putting on the wedding website that we don't want any items as gifts because we can't get it home and because we don't need anything. So I will leave it up to the guest whether they want to give us something (as in just a card or a card and money).
We've been to three destination weddings and have given gifts at all of them. We spent a lot on travel to the last one we went to. I still spent the same amount on the gift as I normally do. That being said, if I had given nothing at all I know the three couples would have been fine with that. They were all just so thrilled to have us there. I don't know, maybe it's because my crowd is a bit older and already established.
This is a discussion... I don't need ppl to tell me to be grateful. I am grateful...I mentioned that before...like I said, I am just interested in ppl's opinions, which all are entitled to. No need to make negative remarks or assumptions about my intentions.
@Brielle ...playing devil's advocate is to promote dialogue, so I don't get your remark.
Im having a DW... I am registering, however i am not registering for pot and pans and stuff like that mainly for 2 reasons. Fi and i plan on registering for travel... that way of someone wants to gift (which we are not expecting at all) then we dont have to worry about carrying a blender home from mexico.
@Shell29: I'm sorry. I don't understand what you mean about my comment. I was just sharing my own personal experience with you, from my own wedding.
@Shell29: To answer your original question, yes, I would bring a gift to a DW. Regardless of the cost incurred, I would feel uncomfortable not bringing a gift to a wedding, but I do also understand the perspective that people spend a great deal of money on a DW and may not feel the need/or be able to contribute to a gift as well.
I think you're right by saying using the term "expect" was the wrong word choice in this post, because, as PPs have said, you should never expect a gift, and from reading your responses, I'm fairly certain that's not what you intended at all. If I were in your situation, I wouldn't anticipate a lot of gifts from guests, and if you do get something, you'll be pleasantly surprised.
@Shell29: you say you're interested in people's opinions, so you've got to take the bad with the good. You are coming across as ungrateful, and people are entitled to tell you that
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