(Closed) Devastated.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@asdfanon:  Oh honey… I am so sorry. As someone with mental health stuff (depression and a personality disorder) I know how hard that can be, and how difficult it can be to communicate how you are feeling to your partner. I think you should give him a few days, try to eat some food and get some rest. Then reach out to him when you are feeling a little stronger. What he has done is just awful, but it sounds like you really want to make it work, and that means you need to reach out To him. It sounds like he is reacting to your depression like you don’t love him anymore, or it’s the relationship that’s causing it (when in fact it’s a chemical imbalance). I dont really know what to say, I just felt the need to say something. It’s only been two days, nothing is written in stone. He might come home tomorrow. If not, call him. You’ll feel better once you know what’s actually going on. In the meantime try to take care of yourself ((hugs))

Post # 5
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly, this may be harsh, but I’m going to be honest, because I think it’s what you need to hear.

You two seem to have an incredible amount of resentment for one another. And from what you’ve posted, your husband doesn’t seem interested in accepting a lick of ownership for any of it.

I do think that it seems like you have both made mistakes, a really big one seems to be that you have external things going on, and instead of talking about them and working through them together, you resent each other for their handling of them. He was angry over where you lived, his employment situation…you were angry about where you moved, the health scares…these things are outside your relationship, but (it seems like) instead of working through them together you are almost battling one another over them.

Part of being married is working as a team. Part of being on that team is the recognition that there will be hard times…and you are going to work through them together. From all the threats he makes, it doesn’t seem like he was ever interested in that.

You can’t put back together a broken marriage or relationship when only one of you even cares to try to fix it. I’m sorry, but I don’t think he is able or willing to love you in the way you deserve to be loved. And as much as I would never advocate divorce…I just don’t think he ever will.

Post # 6
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Living with a person with depression is not an easy thing. It’s extremely difficult. But you two are a team and he can’t just give up on you when you’re at your lowest and needing him the most. If he truly loved you, he’d be worried about YOU, not how your depression is affecting HIM. That’s horrible.

I honestly think you’re better off without him.

Post # 8
40 posts

First of all, I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I hope it gets better. But, I think your problem is beyond what most people here can help you with. 

You need a doctor and a therapist and a marriage counselor. The road to recovery is going to be really hard and long, but you need help. Both of you can’t do it alone. I think privately, you need to sort out your issues first – get help for the depression other than pills and such. 

After you feel ok by yourself, you can start thinkng about your marriage. Hope you get through this well

Post # 11
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Could your depression be from your situation? I know myself that I am only half the person I used to be due to lack of emotional support from my fiancé when I needed him the most. It’s very difficult when you are putting in 90% & he is only putting in 10%. When this goes on for too long you feel so betrayed & deflated. I think you need look after yourself at this point by doing things you love & just staying away from him for a while.

Hope everything works out & you’re happy.

Post # 12
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

It’s not easy loving someone going through depression, and I’m saying this from personal experience.  It sucks.  You blame yourself.  You feel like you should have seen it coming or you should have done something to prevent it.  You feel like you’re not good enough because even if you mentally know it’s chemical, if feels like it’s all emotional.  You don’t recognize the person you love and you start to not recognize yourself.  Darling Husband and I went through two years dealing with the worst of the depression, the counseling, the various blends of anti-depressants until they found the right one.  That chapter of our life tapered out about four years ago.  I still struggle with it when I think about it.

I threatened to leave a lot.  We were dating at the time, but for about a year of it, I kept wondering why I was still sticking around because dealing with depression as a spectator is absolute hell.

You do need a doctor.  You need a doctor in addition to your counselor because you need to build a support system for you.  You need someone else that’s going to look at the chemical inputs in addition to the emotional outputs.

I refused counseling because as far as I saw it, I didn’t have a problem.  That was him.  Finally he asked me to come so his counselor could explain what was going on with him.  I went twice.  It was very illuminating.  It helps to have an outside party that sees depression in more that just your SO explaining what is going on and how it’s not your fault and you couldn’t have fixed it.

Eventually Darling Husband asked me if I would stick out our relationship (imagine someone when you’re a little less than two years into a relationship asking you to stick something out) until the meds started working– until he was beginning to get back to him, that person I knew.  And if at that time I wanted to walk, then he wouldn’t try to stop me.  And after listening to his counselor explain what was going on, I figured, sure, because I still loved the person I started dating, just not so much the person in front of me.  That may be something you ask him.  Because he’s making a decision for both of you, when you’re not in the state of mind to make that decision.

I’m not going to say you don’t both need counseling, because there were a bunch of other things that just didn’t sound healthy.  The fact that he’s threatening to leave after being married being the biggest.  Words have meaning and threats like that should never be made lightly.

I’ll end this overly long reply with this: Darling Husband and I are far happier today than we ever have been.  And yes, some if it is surely the newlywed stage, but we’ve been together for over seven years and have known each other for over fifteen years.  There may not be the initial butterflies but there is so much more deep and abiding joy.  This is a kind of happiness and contentment and love that was created out of difficulties that we made the decision to go through together.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this, and I hope the two of you can speak openly and frankly about what you are going through as well as what he is going through and reach the best solution, whatever that may be, for the both of you.

Post # 13
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

@asdfanon:  I understand. And it’s only making you feel worse. I’ve been there. I had situational depression before my husband and I got married . . . troubles with my sister, troubles with my career, just the general quarter-life crisis stuff that proved too much to deal with. It’s SO hard. I talked to a counselor who helped me get some perspective and thankfully, I had a really supportive partner who was there when I needed him and patiently waiting to the side when I needed to be alone. I found out later that he’d even called my mom, asking her if she thought there was anything he could do because I seemed so unhappy and nothing he could say or do was any help. THAT is what you need in a partner. Especially with these major changes you’re going through.

I would highly suggest talking to someone about your feelings (I really almost never suggest counseling, but when you need to get out of your own head/cycle, it can really help) and telling your husband that you need to take care of you. If he can’t get on board that train, you don’t need him.

Post # 15
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@asdfanon:  I don’t suffer from depression, but my Fiance does, so I can only give you the perspective of someone that has to deal with it, but can’t fully understand it.  It’s frustrating, because as much as I try, when my Fiance is in a “mood” I can’t do anything about it.  It gets to the point where I start to feel unappreciated.  I hope that you can get your husband into cousenling with you because it really helped me understand what my Fiance was dealing with. 

More specifically, it taught me that the lack of enthusiasm on my FI’s part had nothing to do with my efforts to cheer him up/spoil him.  This is something that my Fiance just couldn’t explain to me.  Now, it’s much easier for me to know how to handle him and our relationship is amazing.  Even though it was rough for the first part, I’m so glad I stuck it out with him.  I definitely think that a marriage counselor should be the next step before you consider divorce.  I think if you just talk to him about it, he might be open to the idea.  Best of luck.

Post # 16
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

@asdfanon:  It hurts, but you don’t need someone in your daily life who’s only making you feel WORSE about how crappy you already feel. Try to think of it that way right now. What you’re feeling is not your fault and feeling guilty about it because you’re not doing everything HE thinks you should be doing is just silly.

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