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OMG hun...I wish I could just give you a huge hug right now. I'm so so so sorry for what you had gone through tonight.
I wish I could say something to make you feel better or to help but I'm no good with words. So just know that I'm praying for you right now and I'm sending lots of hugs your way.
While I couldn't even attempt to relate to your situation, I want you to know that you shouldn't feel poorly about yourself for any reason. You are not a "bad" person for feeling this way and, quite honestly, you are amazing for holding yourself together in that situation - I would have reacted much more poorly.
I know its probably impossible to understand now, but someday, if you chose, you can a be a glowing new mom with that happy little family too. No, it won't happen in the same way that it happened in that hospital room today. But, it can happen and be just as beautiful.
Also, go talk to your SO. Crying and talking to him can help, even if it hurts to express those emotions.
oh my goodness! you are definitely not a bad person, it sounds like the ramifications your diagnosis is just now hitting you since you were so young when you found out before, and that's completely understandable. it sounds like you did a remarkable job holding yourself together around your so's family, and that must have taken a lot of courage and restraint. can you talk to your mom or a friend while you wait for your so to finish working?
I'm so sorry you're going though this :(
Oh my gosh, you're not a bad person. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You can tell SO, you really can. I mean not if you don't want to but it might make you feel better if he comforts you. You were so strong to hold it together, that must have been so hard. I wish I could hug you through the screen.
@stevensgirl: I'm so sorry about the trauma that you've experienced today. I'm sure that was devastating for you. It's very commendable that you're able to separate your own pain and sorrow from this family's joy and that you're able to be genuinely happy for them. You are not a terrible person at all.
I'm so sorry! It sounds like those emotions were long overdue. Just know that you will someday be on the road to motherhood if that's what you choose. Your direction might be different but you can know that joy as well. I would seek out someone to talk to about this definitely, it's like mourning a loss and it's a perfectly valid way to feel.
Awe! That sucks! I am so sorry. I would have felt the exact same way. *hugs* you are so not a bad person at all! You will be in my thoughts.
OMG you are NOT a terrible person.. you were having a panic attack and managed to keep it together for the sake of the family. That sounds extrordinarily self sacrificing and very difficult. Don't worry about not holding the baby by the way, when I just had my daughter.. many people opted to not hold my daughter because she looked so fragile (8lbs :-/). You are not a bad person. What you are feeling is normal and natural. You will get through this.
Wow, so much support, thanks bees! I can't help but feel bad, I feel like I failed as part of their family to trully be a part of their joy. I am so shaken up... I told my SO and he asked me why I even went, he thought to himself it might be hard but I was genuinely excited to see little hands and feet etc. that it never crossed my mind. I don't think anyone noticed, thank goodness!
I am crying with you now. I have a close friend who has been unable to carry a child and I know she has struggled with it, but I've never heard her give voice to it the way you just did. That was raw and powerful... and anyone who hears you say this would not judge you in the slightest. I'm in awe of the strength I hear in you, although you feel weak right now. My friend and her husband went through so much to finally become parents, but they've done it, though at times along the way they fought deep disappointment and wondered if they'd be able to continue. They tried invitro without success. I want to tell you this is a part of a longer journey and you can survive it, but I don't want to sound condescending. This might not be the last time you feel this way, and you might have greater dissapointments yet to face. But you can get there. My friend has two children now. Only she knows what remains of the past in her heart, but she is an amazing mom, all the more sensitive and thoughtful for what she's lived through.
@jjmomma: You don't sound condescending! I know I will survive it. Just got a hold of me today!
I felt like an impostor, being so sad in a room full of so much happiness. Hearing all your words makes me so comforted though.
You're no imposter, you're a normal woman dealing with a difficult situation. I can only reiterate what other smart PP's have suggested. Talk to someone about both how you're feeling and your options. Being a mum is not out of the question for you. If it's not physically possible , there are other options of having a child. I'd talk long and seriously with your SO and be honest....you should not feel bad or embarrassed. You are not condemned by your situation but I'd start by getting your head around what you really want first. Don't bury your feelings xx
You have every right to the feelings you're having. It is totally normal that you are experiencing them.
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Hey ladies, sorry in advance for the venting!
A little backstory:
I have Meyer Rokitansky Kuster Hauser Syndrome (MRKH), which basically means I was born without a uterus. I have normal hormones, and ovaries, but I don't have the spot for the baby! I found out when I was 15, when I had normal breasts and whatnot but no period. It is something that just happens randomally when the fetus is developing and is not genetic or caused by any external factors. My mom really struggled with this when we found out, but honestly, I never felt the weight of it before. I had an awesome deal: great knockers but no period, no cramps, none of the pregnancy scares.
I knew that one day it would be more upsetting to me. I have never had my ovaries checked, so we have no idea whether I can have a child VIA invitro or not-although it is common with MRKH to be able to have this done. I sometimes get a bit sad, when I see a happy mom with a cute preggo belly and think "Oh, i won't have that" and then move on with my day. This changed today....
My SO's cousin had her baby today. A gorgeous little 6lb. ball of joy. And seeing her was one of the most horrible experiences I have gone through. His sister picked me up after work and we headed to the hospital together, SO stayed home... a bunch of cousins and aunts were to meet us there and go up to see the little girl. I was so excited, thinking about this happy little family, but as we got to the correct floor and started towards her door I had this bad feeling of panic in my heart and the closer we got the more I slowed down and wanted to turn around and leave. I stayed at the back of the group and tried to keep myself together but with every moment I saw the joy in each persons face and the new mom was just glowing and I couldn't help but get very very sad.
It was horrible. I couldn't feel joy or happiness and I was shaking and trying to focus on calm breathing. I was asked if I wanted to hold her and I panicked and said "No, I am terrified of breaking her, she is so little and fragile and I am so clumsy!" and they all laughed and said I was cute. I jot harrassed again and kept saying my excuse, but inside I was having a complete meltdown. I wasn't jealous. I was and am genuinely happy for the family, but I wished I had never come.
I feel like a bad person, I couldn't even bring myself to hold this beautiful little girl. I was overwhelmed with emotion and sadness and I felt completely empty inside.
I got home and bawled for the last hour. SO is doing homework in the office and I am curled up in bed trying to stay quiet so he can finish but I just feel so awful I wanted to let it out somewhere. I didn't want to say anything there and take any focus off his cousin and baby so I just smiled while it killed me inside.
Just had to vent I guess.