Weddingbee boards

BF and I broke up tonight.  He said he wanted a break.  I said no that he's either with me 110% or not at all.  Neither of us would budge on this, so I told him I guess we're over.  I'll try to post more in a little bit once I can get myself together a little more. 

Thanks Helen

Okay, I’m really upset right now, but I’m just going take a deep breath here so I can fill you guys in on what happened.  This is probably going to be pretty long, but please bear with me. 

As some of you might have gathered from some of my recent posts such as the having a rough weekend one, I’ve been pretty unhappy lately with my relationship.  I love my boyfriend (or I guess I should say ex-boyfriend) to pieces, but I was just feeling really depressed lately because I was starting to question whether or not he really feels the same way about me seeing as after 3 years together not only has he not proposed yet but he won’t even make definite plans to live with DD and I.  I’ve tried telling him so many times lately how 3 years of a long distance relationship was really starting to take it’s toll on me, and that even though I love him so much that I just didn’t think I could take it anymore.  I told him I miss him a lot on the days I don’t see him and I really want to be able to see him not just on the weekends but EVERY day.  Yet, whenever I tried to talk to him about my unhappiness about things not progressing he’ll either say “I don’t want to talk about this right now” or he’ll say stuff like go ahead and move in with me yet when I try to get him to tell me WHEN he wants DD and I to move in with him, he refuses to give me any sort of timeline for that which tells me that he at this point does NOT want us moving in with him. 

Because I’ve been so unhappy lately about things not progressing to the point of even living together after 3 years, I’ve actually almost broken up with him a few times recently (which is totally NOT typical for me/us), but I was just starting to get so fed up with the whole situation and becoming really depressed about it.  So, I went so far recently as telling him I love you so much, but I just can’t do this anymore, etc., yet he somehow managed to talk me out of actually breaking up with him because he’d be like I love you, I don’t want to break up, just calm down & everything will be fine, etc.

Last night, he came to visit me.  We went out for dinner together and then he spent the night at my house.  We had sex this morning and then went out to breakfast together (sorry if TMI).  Last night and this morning, we did argue somewhat about the whole situation but nothing too bad and then when he left to go home after we went out to breakfast, he was very sweet and loving and kissed goodbye a couple of times and said “I love you”, and I was being all sweet to him too.  Before he drove off he said I’ll call you later and then a few hours later (earlier this afternoon), he did call me and was once again being really sweet and loving towards me.  In fact, more so than usual lately maybe because we had just had a nice time together a few hours earlier.  So, even though I was overall still not real happy about the lack of progress in our relationship, I was actually feeling okay after he called and was being really sweet and loving to me.

A few hours later though (earlier this evening), I was on Facebook and decided to check out his FB page (along with the pages of a few of my other FB friends).  I happened to notice right away that it said he had added a new friend who was a female that I’d never heard of or seen before.  Now, normally I trust him so wouldn’t have really thought twice about this.  However, maybe just because things have been so rocky between us lately I just started feeling really insecure when I saw that.  So, I called him up and asked how he knew her, etc.  He told me that she’s just an acquaintance (supposedly one of his exgf’s coworkers).  He said when he logged into FB, she had sent him a FB request so he went ahead and added her, and he insists that there’s definitely nothing going on between them.  Again, I guess just because I’ve been totally stressed out about things with us lately, it’s like something just snapped in my head and I all of sudden felt totally insecure wondering if he was really telling me the truth about this girl or if he god forbid had actually been cheating on me with her.  I want so bad to believe that he’s been faithful, and so I really, really hope he was telling me the truth.  Anyways, during this phone conversation where I was asking him about how he knows her, etc. he said “I’m getting so sick of you always questioning me about sh*t”!  Then right after he said that he hung up on me. 

A few minutes later, I decided to go back to his FB page and what I saw just COMPLETELY shocked and devastated me!  Instead of seeing his usual FB page, I saw a page like someone else would if they were to do a search for him online.  Like it shows just his name, city he lives in, pic and groups he belongs to with “Add this friend” button at the top of the page that you click on to send him a friend request.  As soon as I saw that, I realized right away that the only way I’d be seeing that sort of page instead of his usual FB page is if he had actually DELETED me from his friends list!!  So, I called him right up and asked him why in the world did you delete me off your friends list and he said “we need a break”.  I told him that I do NOT do breaks and that he’s either with me 110% or not at all.  He told me no I’m not saying I want to break up, I just think we need a break from each other for awhile since we’ve been arguing a lot.  He said if you do a search for me on FB, you’ll see that I didn’t change my status to single, I just changed it from in a relationship with you so that know that area is just blank and doesn’t show my relationship status at all.  He said I did that instead of changing it to single because I don’t want to a break up, we just need to take a break right now.  Once again, I told him I will NOT agree to a break.  Maybe because he’s managed to talk me out of breaking up with him before, I think he might be thinking that this is no big deal.  That I’ll “allow” him to have his “break” and then if’when he wants to get back together with me, I’ll be right there waiting for him.  Newsflash to him though is that is just NOT going to happen.  We already went through something very similar to this last summer where we ended up breaking up for a few months, and once I finally got totally fed up with his sh*t like telling me he really wanted us to get back together but just wasn’t “ready” quiet yet and I finally stopped talking to him, within 5 days of no contact he was like a complete blubbering mess calling me up like constantly crying and begging for me back and like a fool I agreed to go back out with him and believed him when he said I know now I want to marry you and if you’ll go back out with me I promise we’ll be engaged within 1 to 3 months at the very most!  Well, it’s been 8 months since we got back together and we’re still not engaged AND he wont’ even commit to having DD and I live with him.

Please help me be strong ladies and remind me of all the reasons why I should NOT call him or text him and that I shouldn’t respond to him if he contacts me.  Part of me wants so bad to call him right now, but I know that would probably be a big mistake.  I actually already "messed up" by sending him a few texts after the last phone conversation we had earlier tonight and before that he tried calling me once while I was on the other line with my mom and I didn't bother switching over to him or calling him back.  Here's what the last few texts he sent me said...

"I just can't deal with the stress", "I'm just stressed by everything right now"

Here's what my last text to him said (sent to him about an hour ago and still haven't heard back from him again yet:

"I know you suggested a break but I definitely don't do breaks.  Breaks r stupid.  U should either be with someone 110% or not at all!  So, I guess it's really over between us and for good this time.  In my ENTIRE LIFE (other than DD), I've NEVER loved anyone as much as I love you!  Too bad you obviously don't feel the same way about me since after 3 years together ur still not sure whether or not u want 2 marry me or even just live with me.  Goodbye (his name)". 

Thanks for your input and support everyone.  It really means alot, and I am like totally devastated right now so I can definitely use all the advice and support I can get.    

Thanks Ren.  Since I haven't heard back from him about that last text I sent him, it's totally driving me nuts now wondering whether or not he even GOT the text I sent him.  Do you think I should resend it just in case he didn't get it??  Or maybe he actually DID get it and read it but just isn't too worried because I've sent him similar "goodbye" type texts recently so he probably is thinking yeah whatever, I'm sure she'll be calling or texting me again within an hour or two or three at the very latest.  Or, maybe he just doesn't give a sh*t either way.  Oh, I am so, so sad you guys. 

Oh hunny I'm so sorry to hear this! I am a firm believer in sticking to your guns, if in your gut it feels right to be apart, even though it hurts, be apart. And everytime you want to call/text him, remind yourself that you DESERVE a man who wants to be with you 110%, you DESERVE someone to love and honor you. As hard as it may be to swallow, if he give you more stress than happiness, then maybe it isnt right.

Good luck. I know the next few days/weeks/month will be hard. But take deep breaths, lean on friends and family for support, and remember to put yourself and your feelings first. You deserve complete happiness. ((((hugs))))

I know this might sound crazy but do you guys really think that I definitely shouldn't resend that text??  Part of me really thinks I shouldn't but what I said to him in that text...it's very important to me to know that he actually got it and read what I said seeing as it might be the last thing I have to say to him for a long time (or maybe even ever). 

Also, now that I haven't heard from him in a few hours now I'm all stressed out wondering if maybe now that he thinks we're either on a break or broken up maybe he's out at a bar right now flirting with girls or putting up an online dating profile or something.  Oh god, this sucks so bad. 

Thanks for your input Ren, Future and Cupcake.  Yes, I will not resend the text because you're right that chances are probably pretty slim that the text never went through and also because what I said to him has pretty much already been said many times before (just worded a bit differently maybe). 

This all doesn't make any sense.  He is like the KING of mixed messages!  I was just thinking about how when we went out to breakfast together earlier this morning, he mentioned something about how he'd probably be willing to help pay for DD's college education.  Now keep in mind that my DD is only 12 and so college is still quite a ways off so for him to say that...doesn't that kind of insinuate that he DOES see us getting married and him being a stepdad to my DD??  I just don't freaking get it. 

Also, I was just looking at some old emails that he sent me when we were broke up for awhile last summer.  He sent these after I had completely stopped having all contact with him for five days.  These are just excerpts from what he said, but I just wanted to share it with you guys.  Why would he say these things if he really didn't mean that or maybe he did mean it but just feels like he can't do anything about it because of his commitment issues.  I've been reading a book about commitment phobic men and he definitely seems to fit the profile of one pretty well.  Here's some of what he said in those emails to me last summer:

"I love you very much and think you will make the best bride and mom ever!  I just got cold feet and I'm sorry and wish you'd realize that. 

"I'm so sorry about hurting you.  I work up last night with nightmares.  I really want to go to counciling with you.  I really want to get engaged now.  I've never wanted that ever.  I think our relationship will be different this time and not have the resentments that it used to.  I feel crushed right now.... like a dullness in my heart.  Please text me at school today I really want to hear from you.  I can't check my email at work.  I will set up an appointment with that couples counciling place.  I just can't deal with this.  I love you very much still". 

"Please reconsider.  We might just have the best lifetime waiting on the road ahead of us!!!  I love you"

Thanks littlemiss mango.  I know you're right.  It shouldn't be this hard, but it's to let go because I love this man so incredibly much.  It's totally devastating that I've known for at LEAST a year that I love him so much and definitely wanted to marry him and have a family with him, yet three years into our relationship he's apparently still not sure he feels the same way about me. 

Mrs. Louboutin,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this with me.  He still hasn't responded to my text by either texting me back or calling me, and it's killing me wondering if he might be at a bar flirting with girls or flirting with someone online now that he knows we're on a break/broken up.  You said in part...

More importantly is the level of immaturity that he is showing.  His past behavior of not wanting to make your relationship more permanent or serious to this point of just living in the same city is telling, but more importantly this is all happening over something on facebook?  That is simply ridiculous.

What you said about him about now wanting to make our relationship more permenant or serious to the point of just living in the same city, did you know (from my past posts) that he's basically suggested to me that DD and I get our own place in his city and then if things go well supposedly get engaged and move in with him?  He hasn't suggested that in a pretty long time, but I suspect that deep down to HIM that would be the ideal scenario.  Maybe I would have done that like a year or two ago, but I just think it would be/would have been really foolish of me to do that now because I think I'd feel really resentful that he didn't love me enough to even want to have us just living with him after 3 years together.  I know some people would probably disagree with that and think I should have been fine with it, but for me to uproot my life and DD's life, there better be a darn good reason and just to move to the same city as my BF when he doesn't even want us to live with him to me isn't a good enough reason for us to move. 

I know I should go to sleep soon but I just can't yet.  I'm just way too stressed out about everything.  He always calls me to say goodnight and although I know I shouldn't "expect" a good night call under these circumstances, it's breaking my heart not to hear that phone ring and say love you, good night because I'm just so used to it.  That good night call was always part of our routine.  So, since I haven't heard from him either to say goodnight or to try to convince me to please agree to his break or for ANY reason, I'm just so sad right now.  For all I know he could be just coming home from a bar right now  (possibly WITH some girl) or he could have just fallen asleep on the couch watching TV (which he does alot).  Who knows??  The not knowing what he's up to right now is just killing me.  I just took a shower so that's got me a little more relaxed but not much. 

I'm so sorry, I know this is so hard and heart-breaking for you. When someone is a part of your life for so long, it seems impossible to move on. And its going to be overwhelming at first, because you are flooded with emotions. The saying "take it one day at a time," in this situation, you are going to need to take it one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time.

Stay strong and keep reminding yourself not to resend that text. More than likely he got it and he is choosing to not respond. Know that you have said your peace. Like others suggested, do you have any wine or beer or anything to just relax you a bit. Maybe turn on your favorite comedy movie? I know it probably seems impossible to turn off your mind right now.

As far as if he is out living up the single life, as hard as that is to stomach and as much as it hurts, its just one more thing to prove to you that he isnt the guy for you. Relationships are hard, yes, but love is love and its not this diffucult. Keep reminding yourself that you are worth more than this, and you and DD deserve someone who loves you both unconditionally.

Good luck girly I hope you are able to get some much needed rest tonight.

Thank you so much for your input and support everyone.  It really means alot to me.

Well, it's now 10:07 A.M. and I still haven't heard from him at all since he last texted me around 9:30 last night.  It just dawned on me that when he said last night that he only got rid of his relationship status on FB so that area is just blank and told me to go ahead and search for him on FB so I could see that was true and that he really just wants a "break" that he might very well actually have his page saying single but just has his account settings set to only show people on his friends list his relationship status.  I guess it shouldn't matter because clearly I need to move on from this guy if he's reluctant to even live with me after 3 years but it just really hurts thinking that he might already be going around advertising himself as single even though he told me that he just wants a break.  

Don't sell yourself or DD short.  You will absolutely make it ahead of this.  I know it might break your heart to see this written, but I think this needs to be over.  I have been in this situation before once or twice.  It never ends well.  Even if you would eventually marry, it seems like he would not be ready for that regardless.

I really hope you can get through this okay.  If you need to cry, do it.  Do what your body tells you to get through it.  It's kind of like throwing up.  No one really WANTS to do it, but your body needs you to when you eat something which wouldn't digest or make you ill.

I don't know if that helped or not, but coming from someone who has dealt with complete and utter devastation about five times I hope you take it into consideration.  Things get better.

Thanks so much for your support everyone.  I'm still so sad, but you guys are helping me find the strength not to pick up that phone and call him.  The phone rang a few minutes ago for the first time today, and my heart just about pounded right out of my chest because I thought it might be him calling.  It wasn't him though.  It was just my DD's orthodontist's office.