Devastated…what should I do?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Yikes, he doesn’t sound ready at all. I would seriously re-evaluate the situation, given that you have a child. How old is your SO? 

Post # 4
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

His actions are matching up with what he told you– it’s not going to happen.

The question is, do you want to invest more time in this dead end relationship or move on to someone more mature?

Post # 5
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@amandabeth88:  Pack my stuff, get my son and leave asap. That is what I would do…and I wouldn’t go back until there was at least a ring on my finger and a downpayment on a venue. 

Or even better I wouldn’t go back (that is assuming you still want to be with him) untill like 2 months before the wedding. 

Post # 6
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

@amandabeth88:  I was in this situation. I got involved in a serious relationship when my daughter was a baby. We moved in together when my daughter was about 18 months old. At our 4 year mark, I wanted marriage. He didn’t. It wasn’t because of love. He had multiple reasons why he didn’t want to get married. I decided to end the relationship. It was tough for me, because he was the only guy my daughter ever knew me to be with, and that was important to me. This was also when I decided I would never live with another guy until I was married. He understood why I was ending things. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he cared enough about me to realize I should have whats important to me. He actually remained a close friend.

You really need to do some soul searching. If marriage is important you, than you should probably end things. He should know by now whether or not he wants to get married. His not wanting marriage is not necessarily a reflection on you, and probably isn’t because he doesn’t love you.

I am happily married now. Looking back, I realize that I did love my ex, but it was different than what I have with my husband. I think I told myself I wanted to be married to him for the sake of my daughter more than any other reason. If we had gotten married, I don’t think it would be the complete relationship I have with my husband. 

Good luck OP. Break ups are so hard. What is waiting down the road for you will make it worth it though.

Post # 7
10883 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m sorry about the situation you are facing, especially because you have a young son.  I’m sure this is very unsettling and confusing, not to mention potentially very disruptive to your lives.

I know that about 80 percent of the bees have an entirely different view on this topic than I and some others have. However, the circumstances that you are finding yourself in right now reflect one of many reasons that I do not think it is wise for women who want to be married to agree to live with someone prior to marriage.  Living together does not guarantee that a relationship will lead to marriage. Even being engaged doesn’t guarantee that a relatonship will lead to marriage. 

If marriage is what you are seeking in a relationship (and it was what I wanted as well), I would only date someone who shares your view of this, and I would choose a different path than the one that you chose while dating your current SO.

I wish you and your son the best for your futures.

Post # 8
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This is exactly why you shouldn’t depend on a “promise” before moving in with someone. Not a wise decision, especially with a child involved. Move out and find a man who wants to marry you.

Post # 9
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m so sorry. But I’d move out and move on!

Post # 10
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

To me it sounds like you need to work out what is more important to you – THIS man, or to be married. Of course it sounds like up until now you wanted both with him.

Now you haev to decide if you love him enough to hang around and see what happens.

I don’t envy you.

Post # 11
1715 posts
Bumble bee

@Brielle:  I agree with you. Very well said.


Amandabeth88, I would end the relationship. I might have a discussion with him beforehand about the relationship and why I am ending it, but I would end it. I see no merit in putting one’s life on hold while someone else figures out what they want to do. They can do that on their own time, not mine. 

Brielle’s advice is very good. It is best to be with someone who wants the same things you do. Moving in with someone does not mean engagement and marriage are the next step. Oftentimes, moving in together puts a halt to things because it makes it easier for the person who is undecided about marriage to put off making the decision. They already have you living with them, having sex with them, tied to them through finances and/or property, and they know or are quite confident that you won’t leave them while they’re “deciding what they want”. Basically, they get everything they want without having to make the actual commitment: marriage.  

At the very least, I think moving out is a good move. That way he won’t get the benefits of having a wife without actually being married to you. He’ll actually have to make a decision about whether he wants to get married. 

I do, however, think not being with him at all is best. 

Post # 12
121 posts
Blushing bee

I’d leave.  He doesn’t sound like husband material at this point in his life.  Also, do you want your child to see you being an unhapy doorrmat?

Post # 13
592 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry. 🙁 

It sounds like he thought about how he really felt about marriage and he realized new wasn’t ready. It also sounds like he doesn’t want to have to go back on what he said, so he is withdrawing to trey and make you end things so he doesn’t have to. 

I’d start looking for a new place to live. End it as amiably as you can send move on. There’s no sense in carrying on with someone who can’t or won’t be straight forward and communicate with you. 

Post # 14
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

@Brielle:  +1

I learned the hard way about this. I think its wise to wait, even you aren’t doing it for religious reasons.

Post # 15
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

@amandabeth88:  I honestly think you hurt the relationship by setting a strict deadline for a proposal.  You should get married because you love each other and want to spend forever together.  Not because you’ve been dating for 2.5 years and it’s “time.”

He probably agreed to the deadline up front because he wanted to live with you and figured he had time to deal with the rest of the “bargain” later.  Then later came really fast and he’s still not ready.

I dated my BF for over 5 years before he proposed.  The wait was absolutely worth it because I married my best friend and we now have a wonderful marriage.  If I had put a deadline on our relationship, I doubt it would have ended the same way.

I think you need to re-evaluate why you want to get engaged, and specifically why you want to get engaged to this man at exactly 2.5 years.  It seems like an arbitrary period of time.

Of course you don’t want to be in a dead-end relationship that will never lead to marriage.  But do you really think that you want to get married for the right reasons?  Do you really think pushing him into it before he’s ready will result in a lasting, loving, healthy marriage?  Do you really think if you do give him more time, he will never be ready?

Are you even sure this is the right man for you?  You definitely have some soul-searching to do.  From the little you shared, it sounds like you have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is and why you should enter into it.

Post # 16
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@Brielle:  +1 totally agree. 

@oneofthesethings:  +1

@amandabeth88:  You have a son that is already from a broken home (not pointing fingers but obviously he’s not living with you and his dad) and also now subjected to/growing attached to your BF-a father figure that will not be permanent in your lives.

I would immediately move out and not move back in with anyone else without actual marriage.

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