Post # 1
Okay guys, this might be a bit long but I really need your opinion. I’ve been on a LDR with my DH from the start and now we are legally married but we will have a church wedding in July. He is the love of my life and honestly I don’t think I can find anybody who would be a better man for me than him. The problem is, he is too honest with me and would give me honest answer that could sometimes hurt my feelings. I’m 5’2 and now my weight is 123 pounds. I’m always active and I regularly run 40 mins 3-4 times per week and do some weight exercises. However I like eating so much that it has always been quite difficult for me to shed more pounds (When I first met him in 2011 I was about 108 pounds) Anyway, I think that as long as I keep being active and try to be in a healthy weight range that would be okay. But obviously I was wrong.
The first time that he made negative comments about my weight was when he came to visit me in Thailand. I was on vacation with him and of course I didn’t have time to do much exercise when we were together (I ran like 3-4 times the whole month when he was with me.). He said something like “you would be in a better shape if you were working hard enough” It broke my heart and I couldn’t stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks. I was about 117 pounds at that time and among my friends and coworkers I’m probably the one who exercise the hardest (Thai girls are not very active. They would rather starve themselves to lose weight than exercising.) When he saw me crying he instantly apologized and promised that he would not make harsh comments about my weight again. He even cried when he saw me crying because he said it hurt him too. He seemed to deeply regret about what he’s done to me. But of course he didn’t keep his promise. It happned again when we skyped later but I can’t really remember the exact thing he said. But I remember crying again because of his comments.
Fast forward to my recent visit in Slovakia (where he’s from). We were out with his friends at a bar and I remember sitting there with him and he said something bad about my weight. I tried to ignore it and said something like “I don’t care” at that point it hurt me enough. But then he said “well, somebody need to let you know” again, I didn’t know what to say. I think he meant it as a joke but when he saw me turning away from him trying to hide my tears he knew. I was embarressed because there were a lot of his friends there but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him anymore. I also need to let you know one thing that made me so vulnerable about my body image. My DH then fiance used to tell me about this one girl that he met at his workplace. He said that he thought she was cute because she is so small, like smaller than me and has “sick” waistline. I, on the other hand, always struggle to lose the fat on my tummy and I barely have waistline. It’s just my body and it’s really difficlut to change it. Anyway, of course I wasn’t happy about his comment on his coworker but I trusted him because he is always honest with me and until this day he has never betrayed me. But his honest comments about this girl keeps making me feel terrible about myself and whenever he teases me about my body it always reminds me how he likes sick waistline that I don’t have.
Anyway, that night we talked and it seemed that he really believed that he was just teasing me, that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I still couldn’t bring myself to talk to him and forgive him that night and we were too tired too. Finally, we talked in the morning. I told him about how for me the things he said makes me feel unworthy of him. That he would rather be with other girl with nicer body than me. He said sorry and that he’s not perfect himself. He seemed to be deeply regret again and promise that he would not make any comments about my body and weight anymore. So, I forgave him and moved on.
Then we got married and there was this gorgeous girl who was there at our wedding(she worked there). We met her again when we went back for the paper and I saw her with a child so I said “that beautiful lady has a child” and you know what he said to me? He said “she already has a child and she’s still so lean”. That hit me pretty hard too. Even though that sentence has nothing to do with me but I can feel the implication. I got angry and sad at the same time. But he didn’t know what made me feel so angry until he realized that his comments about that girl indirectly hurt my feelings. Bees, am I overrecting or my guy is too mean? Again he said he was sorry but I guess this time he wasn’t really that sorry because he really believed that he didn’t mean anything about me. Later I kinda let go of what he’s saying bacause I think maybe it’s just the way he is. Lately he avoids making comments about my weight but sometimes he said something like “why can you say you’re fat but I can’t?” Since I got used to his behaviour I try to let go of his ‘too straightforward comments’ and start to laugh with it.
I still exercise regularly and still trying to shed pounds and be in a better shape. I do this bacause I want to be healthy and it makes me feel good about myself. He also exercise regularly because he knows I like men who are in good shape. So, I need to do that for him too. I just want to hear your opinions about all this. Thanks, bees.
P.S. Sorry about my language. English is not my mother tongue 🙂
Post # 2
If he’s so interested in these other women because of how thin they are, tell him that he’s welcome to try his luck with them when he’s single. And then dump his sorry ass.
Post # 3
Fuck him! Fuck him, sister. That guy needs to shut his mouth and appreciate what he has got and if he is not doing that and he is making you doubt yourself and feel unntractive then fuck him. I have no respect for men who do that to women. Ultimately it will drive you to food. It will ruin your relationship with food. He will give you a complex. He will make you feel watched every time you eat and guilty everytime you eat something fun like cake. You will learn to feel ugly and jealous. You will start to wonder whether he will leave you one day for a ‘perfect’ woman. He is planting a bad seed and he is being beyond offensive. I have no kind words for your husband. Fuck him.
Post # 4
run. he sounds like a total asshole. he KNOWS this hurts your feelings, and continues to do it. beyond that – why is he so obsessed with women’s weight? does he not think women have anything else to offer? why is he focusing on the weight of random women, women at work etc and then telling you about it? it seems like his attitude is that women’s looks are the most important thing and that he’s somehow owed a woman who looks a certain way. he’s being really rude and disrespectful and i can’t imagine his behaviour will change.
besides, at 5 foot 2 and 123 pounds you are nowhere near needing a talking to about your weight.
Post # 5
FutureMrsGeek: Amen. Fuck him! What an ass.
fuzzybunny: HUGS! You don’t deserve to be treated that way! You’re a perfect, healthy weight for your height. He’s a jerk and completely wrong to ever make you feel bad about yourself in any way. I’m sure he is just so perfect, hmmm?
Post # 5
He sounds awful.
No, you are not overreacting. You are married to an emotionally abusive man.
Post # 7
I’m sorry, he sounds like a superficial jerk. I can’t even imagine what he’ll say if you ever get pregnant…
Post # 8
You are no where near being heavy or overweight at 5’2″ 123lbs. I cannot believe he is making you feel bad about your slim and very heathly weight.
Post # 9
fuzzybunny: how well do you really know this guy? Its concerning you got married after an 100% LDR. I would not be into a life with lots of insults from the person who is supposed to be my champion.
Post # 11
Wow, 5’2″ and 123 lbs is still very petite. Especially if you’re active. Anything less is definitely bordering on unhealthy. Please do not let him talk to you this way. You need to be with a man who thinks you’re beautiful no matter what…whether you’re all dressed up with your makeup and hair done, or if you’ve just rolled out of bed in the morning. Please know that you are deserving of so much better.
Post # 12
I think you know it isn’t going to end here. I HOPE you know it’s only going to get worse. I wouldn’t stay with him, but I also wouldn’t have married him with these issues and the LDR factor….
Post # 13
I’m not going to say “leave him” because I guarantee at this point, that isn’t realistic. As far as advice moving forward I would suggest that you two make a rule when it comes to weight and that is neither of you talk about it. That means you don’t talk about feeling fat or looking fat and neither does he. This also means he nor you talk about other women’s weight. The whole weight topic should never be brought up around you two ever again. Weight is a touchy subject and sometimes it is best to 100% avoid the topic entirely. Now if you set this rule and he continues to break it, then that is another issue. But for now this is what I would suggest.
Post # 14
There’s nothing that says “I’m just joking!” like perpetually making digs about your girlfriend/wife’s weight when you know it obviously bothers her. I’m bonafide fat and I wouldn’t put up with my husband making rips about my weight. We both know that I’m healthy (healthier than he is!).
I don’t think that weight is a subject that has to be completely tabled. But comparisons to other womens’ bodies, and comments along the lines of, “You could be thin if you tried hard enough,” smack of arrogance and ignorance. Many, many people — who are actually overweight and obese — spend most of their lives trying to get thin. I know many, many people who work VERY hard and are not thin…many of them will likely never be thin.
If he’s so worried about your weight, I’d expect a, “Let’s go workout together!” “I’m going to make dinner this week!” Not the perpetual emotional abuse he’s putting you through, especially in front of other people.
I wish I were 5’2″ and 120ish pounds. If this is his behavior now, it’s likely only to get worse as time goes on. I would suggest counseling, and that would be the only way that I would dare avoid dumping his ass today. No more of this, “I won’t do it again, ever!” Then doing it again every time. He’s aware of the situation. Make sure the consequences hurt enough that he either doesn’t do it again, or you simply walk away now and go on living your life.
If my husband treated me that way, and I at all wanted to save the marriage, I would be going days without talking to him. I would be looking into separating until he could shape up. No one deserves this kind of emotional strangulation. Marriage can be tough enough without it.
Post # 15
I think you first need to start with your own self confidence and never bring up your weight negatively around him. In fact, let him know that you love your body and how fit/active you are. When you’re around each other, try to work out together so he can see what you are really capable of. Having a “sick” waistline doesn’t mean you are healthy. In fact, your BMI is perfect. So, start with you.
Then, let it be known that his comments not only hurt your own self esteem, but your marriage. If he continues to lust after other women and not respect you or your feelings, I would suggest talking to counselor about where this all comes from. At the end of the day, I know that I wouldn’t be able to handle a husband that didn’t respect my body. And honestly, it sounds like he is full of it and needs a reality check on how to not compare other women’s bodies to one another. I’m sure if you openly lusted after every man that looked good/ had more muscles and made negative comments about his body, he wouldn’t feel too great either.
Moral of the story: You’re not fat. Start with yourself and learn to love your own body. Never talk negatively about your body to anyone.