Post # 1
I’ve come to realize that drama seems to follow DH. His exGF was always looking for the latest drama and sucked him in.
DH has a FB but rarely posts anything. Most of his friends are family, old HS buddies/their wives, and current/former coworkers. No exes…however he constantly gets friend requests that just baffle me.
1) A year ago, his brother’s exGF sent him one. He hadn’t seen this girl in over 10 years. BIL had been in a LT relationship with someone else for 6 years and they broke up. BIL met his current FI right away (days later) and had been w/her 2 years at this point. The former ex is single and has a kid. DH was going to add her but I told him to talk to his brother about it as BIL doesn’t have FB and I wasn’t sure what her intentions were.
2) A GF of mine went through a nasty divorce while here overseas. She’s young as is her exH. She’s friends w/me but not DH. Her exH sent DH a request. I’m sure to stir the pot as her exH kept HER dog and recently changed his profile pic to him and the dog. BTW although DH did work with the guy (he’s in Japan now) he talked to my GF more than her ex.
3) The most recent (actually same day as #2) he got a request from his crazy exGF’s exBFF. The girl got married (3rd time) this year and just had her 3rd kid. He says she was cool but her and his ex had a falling out. He hasn’t talked to her in over 5 years. She’s not friends w/his ex…at least of FB. I thought she looked familiar and it’s b/c she’s in quite a few of his old photos w/various guys…she apparently had bad luck w/relationships.
DH’s FB is pretty locked down…only his timeline/profile pic are public. He just recently changed his pic to one where you could see his face. His name is super common and there are TONS on FB. He thinks these people (except #1) were able to find him by searching his name and seeing his pic…now he’s thinking of changing it. I mentioned that maybe these people have him in their email contacts and he popped up as someone they might know.
I guess I’d rather think that than “these people are purposely searching for him” b/c how else would these people find him? The women have no mutual friends w/him nor did they go to school with him. DH is a very private person but I feel like everytime he gets one of these, we have to have a discussion as to WHY they want to be friends all of the sudden.
Anyone else have former acquaintances friend request them? I do but I ignore them. DH says “Oh they were cool and probably want to know what I’m up to…what’s the harm?”
Post # 3
@texasbee: I think you are probably over analysing this like a lot of people do with anything FB related.
I have a FB account that I don’t use but log onto every now and again and I have lots of friend requests from acquaintances. I think most people do it because FB automatically prompts them to friend someone especially within the games on FB.
I guess I don’t understand why you have to have a conversation about this with your DH? Surely he is capable of deciding who he wants to be FB friends with and who he doesn’t? And if he doesn’t want to be friends with them he can just hit ignore/block.
Post # 4
lol sorry girl but ya sound a little crazy. I don’t understand what the harm is if people from his past want to add him & see what’s going on in his life. why does it bother you?
Post # 5
@MissSweetiepie: We’ve had issues in the past about things….lying mostly. He’s been working on the communication so we discuss these things. He usually will ask if I think it’s a “good idea” to friend them. I don’t care as long as it doesn’t cause unnecessary drama.
Like his brother’s ex…we’re convinced she was searching for BIL. He was newly engaged and had issues (like DH) with exes stalking him. Which is the reason BIL deleted his FB in a week.
My GF’s exH…he was accused of DV and she was forced to stay overseas while an investigation was going on. It was terrible. She’s now seeing someone else but he’s still bitter and I think he’s trying to get info on her.
His exGF’s exBFF….I have no problem with it. I figured maybe (after what he’d told me) that she was finally in a good place and wanted to share it. Maybe she’s happy for him moving on? DH thinks she and his ex are friends again and the ex might be trying to look at his page. This is the ex that was telling people while we were engaged that she was still with him and he was just overseas. Luckily his buddies were on his side and told them the truth…it’s not happening much anymore, but it still happens….5 years later.
I guess he could friend all of them and if drama ensues, he could delete/block them.
Post # 6
i understand where you are coming from especially if there has been lying in the past. I do however think its likely harmless. Especially as you say your DH doesnt post very often. If he rarely uses facebook they are going to be unlucky in obtaining any information if that is indeed what their intention is.
I have facebook and i post often. I have all sorts of people in my fiends list including exes. My husband also has exes on his friends list.
We do not hide anything, we both leave our facebook logged on all the time and we often open up and read our messages in each others company.
I have in the past received messages from an ex that were harmless. Mainly asking how my family are, congratulating us on our wedding, birth of our child etc.
If these conversations went in a direction that my husband or i were not happy with i would simply block them as a friend. They would then be unable to view my profile at all and unable to contact me or DH further.
I cannot however stop these friends befriending other friends of mine but i would be confindent in thr fact my friends would not disclose any information that was personal or that i would not want them to know about.
Im pretty sure your DH is capable of knowing when something is appropriate or not. You are lucky that he asks your opinion. I do not thik you have anything to worry about. Im sure if someone was prying, he would ask you about it anyway
Post # 7
@ChocolateLime: Our marriage counselor said in order to open the lines of honest communication, we needed to share our passwords with each other. We also need to let the other know if something could pose a threat to our relationship (not infidelity wise but trust wise) which is why we are “informing” each other of these things.
The counselor said we all have a past but we can’t work towards the future when we are constantly living in our past lives…that includes reigniting former friendships. That since we are a “package deal” now, we have to consider the feelings of the other person when making decisions.
And yes, he’s really been trying to rebuild the trust. He knows how close I was to leaving and he swears he’ll never put me in that situation again. I think his communication skills have improved 100% than when we were first together. Think I need to tell him that tonight.
Post # 8
@texasbee: i understand. Its great you are seeing or have seen a marriage councillor too.
Honesty is the best policy. If you are not comfortable with him befriending these people on FB then that should be a good enough reason for him not to based on your councillors advice.
Every relationship is different myself and others can tell you the way it works for us, but its doesnt mean its what you should do or listen to.
You did not ask us for advise in your OP and were simply sharing your situation. You did however ask us to share our experiences. As i say. You need to proceed the way you see fit and not take any notice of what i or others say!!
Post # 9
@texasbee: Also glad to hear you’re in marriage counseling. As far as FB, it’s quite common for old acquaintances to friend request people from their past, that’s part of what FB is for. I think you’re reading way too much into all this, hon.
I hope you can learn to build trust with your husband, and hope he is worthy of your trust. He either is or he is not. You can’t have a healthy marriage without trust and that seems to be a huge issue for both of you.
Post # 10
@texasbee: Maybe facebook isn’t good for your relationship. You obviously have reasons for feeling the way you do, but you’re also super paranoid about everyone else’s intentions. You can’t control others and their motives so maybe DH should get off facebook if these things are going to cause tensions.
Post # 11
I’ve seen SO many people add others simply with this reasoning: “hey I know him!” “I went to school with that guy” “I met him at a party once…I think” “Isn’t he friends with so-and-so’s brother’s kid’s step-mom?”
It’s ridiculous. This is how people get 2,000 friends. I’m glad you’re going to counseling and I agree that maybe he should delete his fb all together, esp since he barely uses it.
Post # 12
I have ignored friend requests from people like that and so has H. IMO it’s not like a ringing phone and you don’t have to answer. If it’s someone you feel you owe an explanation to, or that it would be rude to ignore, you can always send a PM. “Hey, sorry, I really don’t use FB. I was just on it for the first time in months to check some photos. Hope all is well.”
Also can’t you set privacy setting to allow only friends of friends to make a friend request?
Post # 13
I have a very similar situation with my FI, although I have never not trusted him. He had a FB that he rarely posted on and his ex gfs or girls he dated in the past would come out of the woodwork, friend request or message him to see how he’s been. They were always fresh out of a relationship and looking for a shoulder to lean on (rebounding!!). He used to completely miss the mark and think they were just being friendly and wanted to catch up. He would always tell me when he had a call or email from an old flame and at first I tried to be casual about it since I totally trusted him, but it just got to the point where I had to explain to him that these girls are looking for a new guy to fill their ex’s shoes. He finally got it and got rid of his FB completely. I hope you two can work through it, but I do think these particular instances are not something that is going to harm your relationship. I definitely think some of the other peoples’ motivtations are probably their own drama, and you’re right in that all he has to do is defriend if drama ensues.
Post # 14
Not that I’m a psychologist Or anything. But how does having eachothers passwords gain trust and communication ? This is something that is given not just available.
By having his password and his yours you’re eliminating the middle, where one would have to think of their actions before they do them..like most couples are able to do.. Or, be prompted (without the feeling of HAVING to) to speak up about any new activity, willingly.
With that said I just feel like you’re going about it the wrong way
Post # 15
I would delete Facebook, both you. And spend time together, absence of others interference.
Post # 16
@texasbee: I am the oddball here but I’m with you.
I love facebook,. I like posting funny things on Facebook, I like witty banter, I like keepign up with friends. I truly dont care for being “fake” friends with people who arent my real friends. I keep/add people on my list who are people I talk to in real life, who I know, or who are/have been close with DH. DH is older than me and has many MANY people from his past on his friend list who he doesnt talk to and probably wont ever. When I started asking him why he added the guy from the “neighborhood” who just got out of prison, he didnt have a real answer for me. He started examining who his friends were and who werent, and started taking people off his list. He went from 1400 to 800 fairly quickly and hes not even done. His childhood friend friended me recently and I accepted because DH has a somewhat open communication with this guy but hasnt seen him in 10 years. Just last night DH said it was “nice” he friended me– I said honestly I thought it was weird, because he doesnt know me, he knows DH. If he wanted to get to know me because he knows DH, why not suggest we get together and THEN friend me? DH agreed but was also grateful I added the friend anyway because in online world it might seem rude.
Facebook is weird. I’m with you for not adding everyone you’ve ever met in your life. Good for you.