Post # 1
During dinner, Darling Husband and I got on the conversation of baby timing. I mentioned that I am on a non-essential medication that says “do not take if you are pregnant or may become pregnant” and I am up for a 1 year refill. I will be 29 in March, and I’m not sure how long the “planning to become pregnant” is in effect for my medicine, but I was thinking we should start trying when I turn 30, and maybe I wouldn’t refill it this year.
My Darling Husband almost fainted. When I asked him what his timeline was, he said “I was thinking in 5 years”.
One thing I explained to him is that isn’t not exactly easy for most people to become pregnant. If you “start trying” at 34, between regulating your cycle after BC, infertility peaking in your 20s, and the fact that there is a history of infertility in my family, there is a very good chance we might miss the window to have 1 kid, let alone 2 which is what we want.
He agrees but says “yeah, but what if we do get lucky, and you get pregnant really quickly, then we’ll have a kid before we’re ready?” I really didn’t know how to respond.
Bees, has this happened to anyone else?
Post # 3
I’d ask him what makes him “not ready” yet and talk about that.
A few months ago we had the baby talk and Darling Husband was all, “oh i was thinking this fall” and i about fainted and said, “holy crap i thought we were talking about two years or so!” and he said, “Honey, we’ve been saying 2 years for the last two years” and then i realized that by the time we start trying, a few months in there, and then 9 months of pregnancy before we actually HAVE the baby, it’d actually be about two years. This was back when his new job was just a hypothetical situation. When he got the job, we sat down and hammered out the money and looked at feasibility and realized we had nothing to fret about.
Post # 4
Neither of us are really “there” yet but EJS’s suggestion sounds good. It sounds like you have some legitimate concerns, and you’re both going to have to weigh the potential for missing your window against conceiving earlier than hoped.
Post # 5
I think you make some good points. If you want more than one child you have to consider how closely you’re going to want to try to have them if you DO end up waiting 5 years.
I’m currently pregnant with our first and the thought of having to try to get pregnant AGAIN less than a few years would make me crazy. Personally I want some time to adjust to everything and have a few years for our first child to get older before we have a second.
Maybe propose a compromise? Start trying in a year or year in a half. It can take up to a year to get pregnant even if there aren’t infertility issues – so a year and nine months is already nearly 2 years away from when you decide to start trying. Perhaps take your husband to a pre-conception visit so he can hear about how long the process can take directly from a doctor.
I think that sometimes men think babies are like weddings. They don’t realize how long they need to plan/prepare for them.
Post # 6
I think I’m a bit more “ready” than Darling Husband is. We want to get our house renovated first, and then live in it for a bit before we have kids. Darling Husband then mentioned he also wants to do all this traveling and go away here there and everywhere first. I hated to burst his bubble, but:
A) After we rebuild our house, where is this money coming from?
B) We have his son every other weekend, how in the world are we going to go away for a month at a time? That’s not going to happen.
C) I don’t want to go away for that long.
D) I don’t think it’s a good idea to put this off for 3-4 years, I’m already 30.
I think guys have really big lovely dreams of all these things they want to do and don’t understand that biologically, women only have so much time! I don’t really have baby rabies at all (or itchy ovaries as I like to call them) but I sort of feel this impending “now or never” deadline looming over us. I think just open communication is good and trying not to press the issue, boys get scared 😉
Post # 7
I already know DH’s concerns and he’s had them ever since we’ve started dating. He rejects change. He gets really comfortable with the way things are and is hesitant to change them. Every life change we’ve gone through he has always put a “five year” timeline on (buying his own house, moving in together, starting his own business, getting engaged), and when he is forced to make that change before 5 years, he has a minor freak-out. However, we both recognize that once he adjusts, he always ends up liking the change much better. I know this is exactly what he is going through with the child timeline as well. 5 years seems to distant and safe, he will definitely be “ready” by then!
He recognizes that on paper, we are more than ready to have a child, but it’s the changes to his daily life that he isn’t ready to give up. I understand this (hey, I like sleeping in too!), and we both recognize that there is so much you gain from having children that is is more than worth the sacrifice. He thinks in 5 years, he will be ready to give those up!
Post # 8
I can completely relate, because my husband and I went through a very similar situation. He kept saying he wasn’t ready and he didn’t know when he would be. He didn’t even know that pregnancies after age 35 were considered high risk- I had to help him understand all of that.
Once I talked to him about REASONABLE timing, meaning starting to try in a few months, then the possibility of it taking a while to get pregnant, then 10 months of pregnancy, he started to change his tune.
Two pieces of advice- one, you should realize that he might always be a little scared, and that is OK. Just because he is scared doesn’t’ mean he doesn’t want kids (I confused this in the beginning). I know my husband will be so happy, but also a little nervous about the change, even once I GET pregnant. And two, just keep working on your timeline, in terms of getting your body ready, going to the doctor and being healthy, and even going off birth control (obviously discuss with your husband!) ahead of time. Because most men say “I’m not ready” for a while, and then all of a sudden they say “GO!” instead of realizing that it may take some time for you to get off birth control, etc.
BEST OF LUCK!
Post # 9
I know my man wants to have kids (because, if he gets tipsy or even really loving, he gets REALLY mushy about it), but he feels like he has to pretend (because he is a man) that he wants to delay them as long as possible. It’s so stupid that he has to pretend to put on this act because he is a man.
I think an honest conversation about the difficulties in conceiving and the dangers associated with older mothers may be in order. If you are married, both finished with school, have stable jobs (if you both want to work), and have lived a bit (looks like you’re both approaching your 30’s), then I say it’s time!