(Closed) DH and SIL relationship

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

:[ 

as concerned as you are, this matter is really between SIL and your husband. she’s going to have to be the one to talk to him about it, especially if she is uncomfortable with it.

is the teasing hurtful? is it like mean comments about her weight, or her job? 

if not, then maybe it is just a brother sister thing.

Post # 4
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think it’s their relationship and it was established way before you came into the picture, and this is an issue between them. If your SIL is really bothered she’d make it stop, otherwise it’s just how they communicate and it’s not really your place to fix something that they don’t see as broken.

Having said that sometimes I get embarassed by my DH’s behaviour around his family – particulary when we’re in the back seat of a car and he puts his feet on the center console and in the faces of his family who are driving…BUT they’ve let him do it for 32 years, and I don’t see it stopping. Sometimes grown men act older than 11 and sometimes they don’t – and I tend to notice when they don’t it’s usually around their families…

If you’re planning on having children, look at the bright side, in a few years he’ll be getting paid back, and be too busy to act out, what with wrestling with the children in the car and being the “Dad”.

Post # 5
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

You aren’t overreacting, if he’s able to tease her, he can easily tease you.  I have the EXACT same issue with the FH; his family constantly teases each other and then easily get offended by it and it causes blow out fights.  When FH teases me, I remind him, “this is not the world I grew up in, to me, you are disrespecting me, please stop.”

By explaining what the behaviour means to you, perhaps new husband will understand it from your point of view?  Good luck!!!!

Post # 6
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

On the one hand, they are adults who are responsible for their relationship. If it doesn’t bother them, it’s not really your relationship to get involved in.

On the other hand, I don’t like the teasing/picking on behaviour. I wouldn’t want it directed to me, and I wouldn’t want my (hypothetical) children to think that was acceptable behaviour. ANd if they see their fatherand aunt engaging in that behaviour, they certainly would. Thus I would be unable to resist trying to “fix” it.

Don’t know what the right advice is, but I don’t think you are out of line.

Post # 8
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

my FI and his sister do the teasing- actually their whole family does and that is how they (weirdly) show their love for one another. If she has a problem with it, she should address it – not you.

Post # 9
Member
387 posts
Helper bee

Ok well I HAD written a wonderfully long post, but WB was undergoing maintenance, and it got deleted.  So, here’s the short version:

YOU ARE OVERREACTING.  You are only going to cause drama.

I am the sister in a very close sibling relationship (in fact, a VERY close family).  It is just my brother and myself, so we are extremely close.  Do we tease each other?  Sure, but it’s just in jest, and if it goes to far, then neither of us are afraid to tell the other, “hey that hurts my feelings, let’s take a step back from the teasing”.  Most of the time it’s stuff like, “haha I’m the favorite child, you’re just the red headed step child” (my brother has red hair.  I call him my “precious ginger muffin”), or “haha I’m the favorite child, Mom baked MY favorite food because she loves her son more”.  You know, stupid stuff that we know is not true and that we laugh about.

My brother and I made a pact many years ago to ONLY bring home people we know our family will love.  We only have each other, so the only sister I will ever have (Mr. LR is an only child) will be my brother’s wife.  I want to love her like she is actually my sister.  I want a wonderful relationship with her, and I want her to feel the same about me.  My brother feels the same say about my future husband.  My husband (and my brother’s wife) will be someone we both can love.  If my brother didn’t like Mr. LR, then we wouldn’t be together still.  If I don’t like my brother’s SO, then guess what?  They won’t be dating any longer.  Obviously, it’d have to be legitimate reasoning, but we are close enough to know what’s legit and what isn’t.

Here’s where the tough love comes in:

Their relationship was created LONG before you were ever a thought.  This may be harsh, but it’s the truth.  I know, I know, he’s supposed to put you and your marriage first, which is true.  However, you need to look at it from the other side.  He only has ONE sister.  If she’s not batshit crazy and their relationship is healthy/loving, then you need to back off.  If they’re not teasing you, and it doesn’t effect you, then back off.

Do you know what would happen in MY family if my brother came to me to tell me his wife/gf/SO did not approve of our loving and healthy sibling relationship?  I’d tell her that she either needs to grow a pair or GTFO.  That sibling relationship is not going to change.  You causing drama by creating a stink is only going to make you look bad and hurt you.  I personally would think that a. my SIL hated me for no reason and b. my SIL was trying to drive a wedge between me and my brother and separate/mess up our good relationship.  I’d be devastated and VERY angry because I had honestly done nothing.  Let me tell you how it ends:  the sister always wins.  You’ll only cause your in laws to dislike you because you are causing drama and they will think you are trying to break up their family.

Last note, just because YOUR family isn’t like your SO’s family does NOT make your family better.  Just because your family is not like your SO’s family does not mean his family relationships are weird and/or inappropriate.  Every family is different.  My family is very close (all of us, even extended family), and Mr. LR’s family is not.  Doesn’t mean his family sucks and mine is better (although I am obviously more comfortable with my family).  You need a reality check, and you need to back off before you cause major damage.

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