Post # 1
Okay, Bees…I am a long time member of the Bee but have created a new account for this post. I feel like the worst wife in the world right now.
Long story short: I still ahve feelings for my ex. I always have. Our relationship was based on HEART.
After we broke up, I began dating my DH. Our relationship was funa dn exciting at first. I knew he was a great guy and I would be stupid to let him go. I felt pressure to be engaged and get married even though I really felt we should wait. 2 years later and I still don’t feel a deep connection with him that I had with my ex.
I have been miserable for the past year or so. I would bring it up to him but after we agreed on changing things up and doing more activities together, we fell back in the slump. I have tried things to help create the connection…suggesting date nights, planning activities to do, spicing things up in the bedroom…but it is always MY responsibility. I just feel like I am the only one trying.
He is a fantastic DH don’t get me wrong…he helps around the house, cares for my DD (from my ex), and has NEVER been mean or cruel to me. My HEAD has always told me this is a good, stable relationship to be in. But my heart is not in it. I was hoping that over time we would grow closer but now all I feel is regret and resentment for the pressure I felt to get married. Also, I feel that he deserves a wife who loves him unconditionally and appreciates him for who he is. I feel he deserves better than me, the wife who can’t stand her life right now.
Also, he recently got arrested for his SECOND DUI charge. Right now we are not very well off but are planning to buy a home in the next few years. I don’t want to risk my home, retirement, and my DD’s college fund just to stay in this relationship. I don’t feel it is worth it and am scared that next time he does it (even though he promises he won’t) he will kill someone and we will lose everything. Also, he is at risk currently of losing his job and retirement (military). I feel he has risked others lives as well as me and my DD’s life.
This event is really what put things into prespective for me. I was okay living a mediocre life that I wasn’t exactly thrilled about but with this hanging over our heads…I don’t know what to do.
Okay, thanks if you made it this far. I know it may be jumbled around and ocnfusing so feel free to ask any questions. I just really needed to get it all out and don’t want to talk to anyone in my life right now until I figure out what I really need to do.
Post # 2
One DUI could be considered a lapse in judgment, and most people you know have driven in an impaired condition without getting caught. Not condoning that behavior, but we all know it happens. Two DUIs is a pattern and is going to have a huge financial impact on your family.
What you decide to do about it is your choice, but it doesn’t bode well for a happy future.
Post # 3
I think you have to ask yourself if this is the life that you really want. What would be a dealbreaker for you? Personally, a second dui would be enough reason for me to leave someone since they obviously didn’t learn from the first one (it’s not that hard to drink responsibly); especially if I had a child/family to think of. To me, helping around the house and taking care of a child is something that a husband is supposed to do, it doesn’t make him a great husband. I don’t think he deserves better than you, if anything, you deserve better than him.
Post # 4
I think you have already made up your mind. Its your future and you daughters future. You do not want to be worrying that your child is being driven around by a man who may or may not be intoxicated. It speaks of a serious lack of judgement and care for others. It is not only dangerous but totally selfish. You deserve happiness. So does your daughter. I say follow your gut and everyone else can get stuffed.
Post # 5
As someone divorced, I’ve been exactly where you are. I married someone out of logic. He was a good logical decision and I felt pressured by my parents to marry him because it was the “smart” thing to do. I also eventually got where you are now, feeling like he deserved someone who would really love and appreciate him. I tricked my self into believing it was for him. I tricked myself into thinking it was for a better life for myself. I paid all the bills, he barely worked, we ate off of 5 dollars a week no lie. It wasn’t getting better. I thought all of this through, and I left. I regret it every day
. Every thought I had was a mirage, it was a trick. That man loved me so unconditionally. He was a good man, did he have not so great faults yes but I really regret not making it work. Hindsight, I should have tried harder instead of trying to “make a better life for myself” . I was selfish. I promised him no matter what and I broke my promise. I can’t undo it and I am ashamed.
I am engaged now, to an incredible man I have a great emotional connection with, my life is 100000 times improved and I still regret not sticking it out. Telling you from someone who’s been there, when the dust settles, you will see it was all a trick, you will feel duped, and wronged because it will not be as it seemed.
In my opinion
May I add that I meant work on it, not condone, and guard your child, but we all have faults, it’s your job as his wife to help him past it. You promised for better or worse I’m assuming. This is worse, it’s time to hunker down and get some help. Marriage is not about doing what’s best for you, it’s about what’s best for the team. It’s not about jumping ship to save yourself, fix the ship and row to saftey. Every marriage has unfair times, and lopsided times. Stick with it.
In my opinion
Post # 6
Your issues with your ex are nothing in comparison to the fact that your husband put you and your daughter’s lives and financial security at risk. Not just once, but twice! And those are only the times he got caught.
If you really loved him, maybe it would be worth sticking it out. But you don’t, so I think this relationship has run its course.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
People who go on to have a second DUI are more likely than not to go on and have more. If you are still willing to work things out with him then demand that he attend real treatment (not just the minimum ordered by the Court) and remain completely sober, period. If he can’t remain sober 100% of the time, then the drinking is more important than you, his daughter, his job, his home, everyhting. If he can’t remain sober then it’s time to leave him to his bottle since he’s willing to sacrifice everything else in his life for it. If you don’t leave then you are enabling him to continue to live this way.
Post # 8
The DUI would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, that’s something you have to decide for yourself. The only way I would stay is if he went to AA meetings and never, ever drank again.
But would the DUI be a dealbreaker for you, if your marriage was going better? Marriage is a lifetime commitment, I wouldn’t call it quits just yet because you don’t feel butterflies and fireworks with your spouse. What happened with your ex, and if you were so “in love”, why did it not work out? I think you saw for yourself that excitment, adventure, and a deep emotional connection isn’t enough for a lasting relationship. I think you’d be more content if you took greater ownership of your own happiness – which admittedly is extremely difficult because our partners should be meeting our emotional needs. When we find happiness outside our relationships (in a hobby, a good book, a long walk, spending time with family, chatting with friends, shopping, a hot bath and a cold drink) it’s easier to be happy in our relationships. Also consider that your DH could possibly be trying really hard at marriage, just not in ways you would like.
Post # 9
I don’t like how you started off talking about your ex because I’m a firm believer than exs are exs for a reason and until you work on what caused him to become an ex you are just spinning your wheels.
That being said, its time for your husband to put up or shut up. Either he gets the help he needs to deal with his drinking and judgement issues that resulted in his DUIs or you have to do what’s right to protect yourself and your daughter. God forbid the next time he’s in the car your daughter is with him and gets into an accident. If he shapes up and continues on the path to a better life for your family then I don’t think it’s right to run into the arms of your ex.
Post # 10
My heart goes out to you, the place that you are in is very painful. But I do not believe that “passion” and having an intense emotional connection is what true love is. I get that you had an incredible connection with your ex, but he’s an ex for a reason. In all my years, the one thing I’ve learned is that relationships that are based on intensity, passion, fire, and the “I can’t live without him” feelings — these relationships never make it. The most authentic, loving, and intimate relationships I’ve seen and also experienced personally, have been the ones where the feelings of love is more “calmer” and although it’s not a firey intense passion, it is steady and firm.
I get that you are in limbo right now, and are seriously considering leaving your DH and this marriage. But playing devil’s advocate, and please I’m not trying to be mean to you, but everything you wrote in your post is very selfish and self-focused. Even when you say that your DH deserves better and he should have a woman who loves him unconditionally — this is a very selfish statement because you are taking the blame and responsibility off of your shoulders and are passively putting the responsibility on a imaginary woman and your DH. Instead of doing whatever you can to get help to work through your feelings and trying to learn how to cultivate and nurture a deeper and more loving relationship with your DH, your focus is on “some other woman” who might be more ideal for him.
You took a vow to love, honor, and cherish this man for better or worse. You are definitely going through one of your worst of times, but your marriage and your DH deserves a fighting chance. Your very first responsibility should be to do whatever you can to make this relationship and marriage work. There are HUNDREDS to thousands of women who share that they are with men who either abuse them, cheat on them, steal their money, abandon them and their children, etc. You are with a man who loves you. It’s unfortunate that your DH got his second DUI and this is serious. But looking at the overall big picture, it sounds like your marriage and home life is probably strained and as your husband, he will definitely know that you are distant and not into him or this marriage the moment. All of that probably contributed to mental stress, and unfortunately, it is pretty typical for men to get into accidents, for bad things happen at work, etc. when their primary relationship is not going well and falling apart. I’m not in any way saying YOU are to blame for his DUI, but it would not be surprising if your strained marriage help contribute to this.
Either ways, I really do empathize with your painful situation and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 12
The DUI would have been enough to make me leave. Sorry OP. One DUI could be a lapse in judgement (although I honestly would have a hard time getting over that) but two is, IMO, beyond unexuseable. I have absolutely no tolorence for drinking and driving, and that is not the kind of person I would raise my child around.
Your personal and emotional feelings aside, which it seems like you’re not even in love with him anyway, I’d leave.
Post # 13
Shina: Well said! I feel the exact same way
Post # 11
I agree with some of the bees above. It seems you KNOW what you need to do. If you are unhappy in your marriage, why are you planning on buying a house. While it may be hard to do, you need to do what is right in your heart for you and your child. If you do decide to leave, you have to let him know that it’s not because you don’t care for him, and it’s not completely bc of the DUI’s, but it’s bc you are just unhappy. Be honest like you were in your post. As far as your ex, are you still in contact with him or are you just remembering times with him that you want those feelings again bc you don’t have them with your husband now?
Post # 14
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
Confusedinmarriage: Your feelings for your ex and your feelings about your DH’s OWI are COMPLETELY seperate. If you’re going to leave your DH due to the OWI charge, don’t leave him for your ex, leave him because it’s not the financial/emotional relationship you want to be in. And definitely stop thinking of yourself as going to be buying a house with your DH when you’re considering divorcing him, that is just not a good idea!
You are right to consider that you could financially lose everything because you are married to this person who could kill someone when driving around drunk, I would seperate myself from that ASAP personally.
But if you are going to leave I think you need a moment to breathe, don’t just jump back into your ex, that sounds like a “the grass is always greener” situation.
Post # 15
Wow ladies thank you for all the replies. I’m on my phone so its hard to reply individually so ill comment on what sticks with me most (I hate my phone btw)
As for me amd my ex. He is my child’s father and I have always regretted not trying to make it work. It was an abusive relationship and I know we are not good together. I just still can’t get over it. I feel guilty of these feelings and even if me and dh don’t work out I would not jump into his arms. We are toxic. Down the line if anything were to happen it would involve counselling etc.
I am selfish. I know this. for too long I wasn’t and I am at a point that if something isn’t beneficial to me and my dd I don’t want to be around it. If this marriage is doing me and dd more harm than good I need to let it go.
This is his second dui. The first was about 5-6 years ago. Since then he has driven home drunk numerous times, even hit a pole once. He didn’t get arrested then because it was snowing and he just returned from iraq so the cop let him go. That night I told him that he was acting likeia kid and ifehe kept acting like a kid he could go live with his mother. He inly drinks occasionally but when he goesout with his friends he gets himself into trouble.
We are planning on buying my grandparents house soon. They want to go into elderly housing but don’t want to sell the house. They offered to sell to us so they can stay in a home safe for them (and smaller) and the house will remain in the family.
Bees I told him all of this last night. How I feel about him, my worries for the future and how I don’t know what to do. He barely replied to me. Just “whatever happens ill still be your friend ” and that he can’t picture a life without me and my dd. However, we spoke last week about a friend of mine who cheated on her bf and my dh told me if I ever did that he would leave me….after he said that I just felt kinda disposable.
At the end of the day all I know for sure is that I need counseling. I need to get over my ex first and work on what I want to do abiut this marriage. Part of me wants to divorce but stay together. I love him but I do not want to lose my family home because of his poor decisions.
Thank you again for your replies!